Question for the guys

[Cathy1]

Dear guys,

as you might guess, I need male perspectives on this one:

 

After 3 months of no contact initiated by the girl, and after several in vain attempts of breaking it-by the guy, the girl decides to contact the guy again with a casual text message.

 

Since it has been more than 3 months, she is afraid that he might not answer the text message, since SHE has been ignoring HIM all this time. However, he answers readily and accepts the communication. She re-initiated the communication in order to give him «the green light» that it is ok for them to start to slowly communicate again.

 

However, although he readily accepted the first communication she initiated, he does not initiate anything on his own, which she supposed that would follow.

 

Guys, what do you think – is he not interested any more(1), or after everything what has happened he doesn't know what the girl is up to and that's why he is allowing her to lead and reveal her intentions (2) or is he just playing cool (3)?

 

It has been 7 days from the last Wednesday, when I contacted him...

 

Thx for your help!

[pablovblack]

From what you said, It is up to you now to do the reconnecting, as it was you who did the No Contact in the first place, this guy is probably most terrified of being left in a hole again.

I personally would say option Number (2), But how long was you together before you started NC and what was the break up terms.

[bhzmafia]

Doesnt communication usually go back and forward? That would mean it is your turn to say something...

 

Thats just my take on it anyway

[Cathy1]

Hey guys!

Thx for your replies!

 

I think it is his turn now to communicate as I initiated the communication last time...

 

And back to the other questions: we were together for several months, he broke with me bcs of his ex girlfriend, but soon broke it off with her too. We started seeing again at the time, but casually, and I broke all contact with him a month later when I cought him lying and realised that he was paralelly seeing other girls as well.

[sumguy]

If that were me, I wouldn't be initiating contact because I got jerked around earlier on =/

 

Maybe he doesn't know where things stand, or maybe he has moved on. Either you can contact him again, perhaps in a more personal way than a text message, or you can just let it go.

[bobo85]

don't focus your energy towards the ex. The ex doesn't deserve it. Focus yout time and energy towards yourself and your true friends. If you and your ex were really just friends then you wouldn't care who contacted who how many times. If you care that your ex doesn't respond....stick w/ more NC. Do NC until you dont care at all.

[crvers]

Hard feelings can occur during the NC phase. Its a consequence that has to be considered since by applying it your focusing on yourself and not the ex. His failed attempts may have left him thinking many things when you didn't reciprocate a call, im, or txt. After 3 months it can also be aggravating.

 

He may be letting you guide the pace, but he is most likely seeing why you want to talk again. So maybe you should be upfront about that, since it can be quite confusing for him if he still has feelings for you. Or, may be in fact he just isn't interested in putting in the effort anymore since he did it during the NC phase, and feels he shouldn't have to now.

 

But, as sumguy stated, doing something more formal might provide a better answer.

[Cathy1]

Thx again everyone for all of your valuable inputs....

 

Generally, in most of the cases, people say "He may be interested or he may have moved on...«.

But, after reading my post, what would you say – are better chances that he might be interested or that he is not?

 

THX!!!!!!!!!

[usababe]

Wow this is like reading a post from myself, I'm literally in the exact same situation as you. I contacted him about 2 weeks ago after 2 months of NC, he seemed really happy to talk and kept the conversation going for hours but then nothing and I was thinking if he wanted something to happen between us it would be up to him to initiate contact next. Then a couple of days ago I started to receive funny forward e-mails from him and I don't know if that's him trying to make a cool effort to contact me or I'm just one of his "buddies" now. I hate not knowing!

Sorry I know this doesn't help you, I just wanted to let you know you're not the only one going through this. I'd be interested to know how you get on.

[Cathy1]

Usababe,

 

so great to hear that he is contacting you now as well!!!!!

I think these are his feeble attempts of trying to contribute...

Forget about the buddy part!

 

I think we are onto something, as I found a post from one guy on the other forum who was telling to other guys how to get back with their exes, and it was also a long period of NC, followed by girl initiating the contact again and the guy was on purpose playing cool all along. She basically had to start chasing him, and in a month after the communication was reestablished, he was never the first one to initiate it...

He mentions things like:

you need to stay COOL.. showed that you are over her.. YET don’t be like.. don’t talk to me ever..

she might expect you to msg.. then don’t msg....

make her feel like you *really don’t care*.. yet stay polite..

they'll think you are cool with them but yet... how come you are not saying anything....

[usababe]

That's giving me some hope, whether that's good or bad I'm not so sure. Men! I will never get them! So have you heard anything from your guy since?

I'd love to initaite a conversation again but I really don't wanna make a fool of myself, especially if there might be someone new in his life. I think my situation is extra difficult because it was a long distance relationship, I know if we could accidently bump into eachother we could probably sort things out, but that will never happen.

[Cathy1]

Nothing new from my guy, but I'll let everyone know.... hopefully.......

I don't think that bumping into each other would solve anything. I know as I also had hopes in that area.... and nothing….

For example, I met my guy in my neighborhood 1 month ago, and I was sure he came there on purpose just to see me, because there was no other reason for him to be there, but still that casual meeting did not produce anything.... We had a casual conversation, I ended it first, but he did not seem to be interested in keeping me there anyway.....

After the casual bumping into each other – no calls, no messages, nothing....

So, I don't think that would change much..... Although it makes sense to expect it...

 

I think that you can wait for a while, and if nothing happens, you can casually reply to one of his jokes e-mail and in that way start a conversation….

 

Regarding new people in their lives – we cannot know for sure and we cannot influence that – it bothers me a lot, but I really try not to think about that.... Mind you, I think that there are very high chances of him being with someone else, but it may be nothing serious…. That's how I look at this issue...

As if there was something special between us, and parallelly, between you and your guy, and if there is still attraction and caring from both sides – this should be enough.....

If not – I guess we have our answers!

 

Having a support like this from this forum – this is great - it means that we can always quickly check how we are standing in any matter. It's like very quick and reliable market research tool!

Guys, keep your fingers crossed for Usababe and me!

[HardShowingAffection]

Are you two the ones that did the dumping? If so, I think it is on your shoulders to do the contacting. Being the dumpee, you don't want to get false hopes, and are probably being a bit protective of yourself after what has happened.

 

I mean, think about how silly it all sounds. You both really care about one another, yet you let pride and perhaps an ego get in the way of communication and seeing if there is a chance of reconcilliation. What do you have to lose? You contact them, and find out they don't want to persue anything? Who cares... then you move on and close that chapter in your life.

On the other side, you contact him, you initiate, you see where they stand, and you can possibly reconcile and have a happy healthy relationship if you address the issues that you had before. Life is good.

 

And if you don't contact? Well, you hope that they will, and if they don't you will probably always think "what-if". No thanks.

 

Personally, if it were me, I would lay it out there. If you give it your all, and it is not enough, then you are better off without, but how can you regret that? You did your best, and that is all that matters. There comes a point where you have to set your ego and pride aside, wear your heart on your sleeve, and just love. It feels good, no matter the outcome, and how can anyone ever hold that against you?

 

I mean, seriously, who cares if you are the one trying. If it is what you want, go for it. What is the worse that can happen? Someone say... oh no, she loved you too much, and she tried to make things great. Is that a bad thing? I am one that has also learned this, and have learned that it is better to be happy than right. It is better to love with all my heart than to worry about pride and my ego. Just a lil food for thought.

 

Got a book for both of you that you might want to pick up and read that will open your eyes to a few things. It is called: "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. Check it out, you won't be disappointed. It is a short read that will change your lives! Good luck to both of you!

[Cathy1]

Hardshowingaffection, it's a great post and you are quote right in everything what you said.....

 

I just want to tell everyone that you were right – he was letting me take the lead – I initiated the meeting, he readily accepted, we were together on Friday for a coffee, it went really well, he was to happy to see me, and me too – eventually I had to leave, he seemed disappointed, proposed to see again next week after he comes from his trip. I said ok, great.

I know that he was seeing one girl while we were not together, and I think he is still seeing her, but somehow I have a feeling it's nothing serious and I try not to think about her, bcs she is not important, him and me are important..

Good news is that when we were at the coffee that he said that he is single, that he doesn’t have a girlfriend (so she is obviously out of the game), but how he should find a GF and «settle down»...

And he is telling me that! Hello!

 

Anyway, it was great; we'll see again this week AND I ACTUALLY THINK IT MIGHT WORK! I'll let you know! Thx again everyone!

[HardShowingAffection]

Congrats on the progress! Just remember that you really need to address the issues the broke you two apart in the first place, so that they do not occur again!

 

Also remember that you contribute to the direction of your relationship with everything you do! Whether it is starting an argument, or just reacting to something he says/does. You determine the direction your relationship is heading. I know it is difficult, and much easier said than done, but you have to be positive! Remember to focus on the positive, that will help you deal with the negatives, and maintain an upward trend in the relationship!

 

Work together as a team to reach your goals and build one another up! That is how successful relationships work!

[Cathy1]

Thx!

 

I'll keep that in mind! Also, I have been only lately discovered the effects of positive thinking and I practice it religiously! It's so hard for me to explain to other people, my friends, what a huge difference it makes... I think that the majority of people think it's just a phrase; they don't get it how much that affects everything...

Don't worry; I'm taking that one very seriously!

I'll also think about everything else you said.... I hope everything will be okay.... Thx for your support and also, wish you all the best....