Need help with my relationship!

[lcc]

Sit back cause I'm sure this is going to be pretty long. I need as much advice I can get.

 

I am currently engaged to a women, we will call her 'Laura'. We had been dating for about 3 years when I asked her to marry me. We now have been engaged for about 6 months or so. Now throughout our relationship we have had our share of problems, but I guess about a year into the relationship, I started noticing that she was 'very' moody all the time and getting to be very difficult to talk to and to just deal with in general. Now throughout her life, she had attended a psychologist for a few years to help her deal with her mother and father getting a divorce so seeing a mental doctor was not a 'huge' issue for her. I suggested she go back to see him cause she was realizing that she was having issues again. After she had been at the Dr's for a few months, I realized that her mood swings and her just being mean to me had increased. I love her so much and tell her that all the time; I do so much for her to show her how much I love her. But she is just so mean to me. I know she doesn't physically mean to be, but she just is and it is pushing me away. I have had 'many' talks with her about this problem, but she will deny on some occasion and on others, she will come right out and admit her problem dealing with her emotions. I have been dealing with this for a while now, and I have actually started to categorize her 'emotions' or what I like to call 'alter egos' The first one is her 'happy side' This is where is totally normal, I can carry on a normal conversation with her and she is totally calm and cool about it. The second one is her 'moderate side' this one usually deals with her mood literal swing in the matter of minutes, from being extremely happy to extremely sad/mad/depressed. I have even gotten as to be able to forecast this emotion and usually can build my self up to deal with it. The third one is the 'rage side' as the name suggest, this one deals with her just blowing up and not being able to control her anger at me any longer. Now one my think these are all normal. But these moods will come out of nowhere. I could literally be sitting down and talking with her about nothing that would upset her, and BOOM there it goes. Something in her mind has happened to change her totally mentality. And if I'm there in front of her, she takes it out on me. Saying things like.' you don't do anything to make me happy', 'you don't love me', 'you never do anything right'. and on and on. The Dr she goes to has her on some meds, but I don't see any difference. I tell her that I do cause I think the mental encouragement actually helps her. All of my friends all tell me how much of a caring and loving guy I am … and most of them tell me to leave her, and her friends/parents love me so much cause they see how much I really do love her. And I do… She isn't like this with anyone else but me. Its like its in my own little world and I'm the only one that knows she is like this. Cause if I were to say something to her friends about all this. She would just prove me wrong, and act normal. I have actually been to a Shrink cause I was staring to think, that maybe it was me. Or maybe I was losing it, but my dr. told me she has a lot of issues that need to be resolved and to not doubt myself. I really don't know if I have a question, maybe I just need some advice. I mean. I want to stay with her cause I love her so much, but I also don't want to be married and have to deal with this my entire life… I sit in the mall or wherever and look at the happy couples and wish all the time that we could just be normal and live a normal life, why does it have to be so difficult. I just want a loving wife that is understanding, caring, and wants to be happy together. I really love life, and I really want someone to love life with me. I hope that I feel this way someday…I'm just tired of being put down all the time and feeling like I am a piece of crap.

[Princess777]

Hello Icc,

I sympathize with you because I have a similar situation but I am the wife, and the "Jekyll-Hyde" one is my husband. I made a post on this site in the "Love" Forum under "Understanding Your Partner" called "Ex-Con husbands mood swings" if you'd like to read it. He does the same thing you describe your wife doing. He can be the nicest person to everyone else but I guess I am the one he "dumps" on when he's having a bad day. Although my husband doesn't usually say "you don't love me", he usually puts me down verbally or insults the way I do things if it's not the way he would do them when he is in one of his moods. His moods change with the wind and are very unpredictable. I do the same thing you do.... I have named his moods, too, and prepare myself for them. He has similar ones to what you described. Anyway, since hearing this probably isn't helping you ---I just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one. I think what it comes down to is whether or not you want to stick with her even if she never changes. That is what I'm trying to figure out. But it seems that every time I try to follow through with leaving him, I know I'd be miserable without him so I keep plugging along. Since you are not married yet you are in a much better position. You have the power to walk away right now and it will be so much easier than afterward. I know that dealing with it is awful and makes you feel bad about yourself. If I would have paid more attention to the red flags in the beginning, I probably wouldn't have broke it off, but I definitely would have waited before marrying to see if he changed after working with his anger management. You might try suggesting a second opinion from a different doctor than the one she's seeing now, and offer to go with her. This will let her know that you care. Also I find that as hard as it may be, the nicer I am to my husband, the nicer he is to me because he begins to feel guilty for his moody actions. He has told me before that it is extremely difficult for him to say "I'm sorry" and his way of saying that is saying "Do you want to go out for awhile?" Weird I know. Maybe she has that problem to? Does she act controlling toward you? I also find that if I do random things for him that I know he'll appreciate, he tends to soften his tone. I hope things get better for you. You are the only one who knows how long you can put up with it..... Good luck!!!

Princess777

[MRSMCCUTCHEON]

Well i am a loving caring woman and i do almost anything to make my boyfriend happy. But i am one of those moody type people so sit back and listen please. I dont think you should leave her if thats the only issue. Let me tell you she might have trust issues are you doing enough to prove to her that your all hers did you ever cheat on her? Are you in love with her? Then work it out. Just compliment her. Tell her you are all hers and be able to prove it physically. Dont give up on her especially if shes the one who does it all. Because you will regret it. I mean just tell her to stop it you have feelings also. And dont hold anything back from her. Beacause im going through that same thing. I am always a loving and caring person but my moods change every minute i think of something that could possibly happen and this is probably whats going on with her. So dont give up ever on someone you know is right and your in love with. And shes done nothing wrong. Because me when me and my boyfriend first got together i was always in my happy mood i didnt think anything was going on. And when he was incarcerated alot was revealed but my mood still hadnt changte about him. So he got out and i was still trusting in him believing. Then he cheated with two others and got another pregnent so i was starting to say forget it. But something wouldnt let me leave. He was incarcerated again. So for the year he was in there i made it clear that i would get an answer. And reallyn know what should happen between us. So i told him im not going to be apart of his gamje. So im leaving if im not going to be the only one in his life. And i said to him if you have to cheat on me im not what you want in life so let me go and he just cooldnt because he says he was blind and he was so used to being hurt and living a life of whatever with the three girls thats what he was used to. So now i notice a huge change in him and i see he is only with me and willing to make us work but he also has fear that i will leave or hurt him as in cheat lie.etc. But i wouldnt and now this is where it flops i am now wishy washy mood swings after mood swings accusing him and bringing up the past but i am really in love and he is also and i am just as afraid of him leaving as he is. But i cant stop the emotions. Whatever i think or feel i throw it at him. But its really not my fault or is it. Its fear that makes us have these mjood swings it is. And life is crazy just when youve thought you had it it flips and you feel soooo bad and she probably as i did chose to make you her last partner ever. And all the mood swings and things come from things that could be running through her head about what you could be doing or what are you doing and she doesnt know. I know noone is perfect but not being perfect isnt cheating. Im sorry my emotions there i was getting ready to get angry with you and i dont even know you. But honestly talk to her because men dont ever seem to open up as much as women and we expect for you to explain to us and show us just as we explain and prove to you when we dont feel right or arent doing what you think we are. Well i hope this helps. I really care. Reply back if you need more or and to let me know how things are coming along.

[1MoreChance]

Ihis has to do with fear, trust, and control issues. have you heard of Borderline personality disorder?

 

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I know it's hard. I was diagnosed with "mild to moderate" BPD last year by a specialist in anxiety disorders and BPD. I went looking for help because of my patterns of behavior with my bf (now ex). I can relate to the way you describe her for having been that woman with the intense mood swings and fears...

 

I think you are not ready to live together or be married. she needs to be ok with the closeness and intimacy before. Otherwise this will probably continue and spin out of control.

 

It takes time to deal with these issues but it can be done. For me felling out of control meant criticising my partner, feeling insecure all the time that I wasn't good enough, wanting him close but feeling very afraid when he was too close, ... it's a lot about setting boundaries... the problem is tha with BPD the person has difficulty with closeness (fear of loosing oneself in th other) and with abandonment (always scared the person is gonna leave, you even provoke it). There is also evidence that the brain is different for a person with this type of disporder, so that they don't cope with stress well.

 

i recommmend the book The Angry Heart, Overcoming Borderline and Addictive Disorders : An Interactive Self-Help Guide: Ph.D. Joseph Santoro, Ronald Jay Cohen.

 

take care