unable to think clearly

[violadeb]

I've been separated for several months and pretty much right away got involved in another relationship. The divorce was not caused by another person, it was coming for some time and when my youngest child went off to college, I figured it was time. I have some guilt about it but mostly I realize that I shouldn't have stayed as long as I did b/c I ended up in a very severe depression for a couple of years. Btw, I am in my 40s.

 

Everyone told me to take some time to figure myself out once I got separated but I ignored them b/c I met someone. I feel like I have been unable to think clearly since the day I met him but I think it is because of the timing, not him. My head is spinning with this divorce thing, my kids growing up and leaving home (more traumatic I think when you stay in a marriage "for the kids"), changing jobs. It's like my whole prior life is over and I don't know who I am. Then I have this boyfriend and the only time I feel somewhat normal is when I am with him. It's like my life is new, he's new and there are no expectations or prior baggage to deal with. But there are issues with him too.

 

I feel stupid saying this but the only time I am calm and can think clearly is if I feel like everything is okay with the new boyfriend. It's like I can handle all the rest of the confusion but when I feel insecure there, it all crashes down and all I see is hopeless and neverending confusion, guilt and financial ruin. I'm not sure whether the latter is the reality of my life and I am living some sort of fantasy/escape life when I am with him.

 

In all the years I thought about divorce, I never thought I'd be so out of control of my emotions and my thinking. Is this part of the healing or is there something wrong with me - I am seriously considering counseling but I am afraid that would just confuse me even more.

[Allie.]

hmm. i think you jumped into a rebound relationship. I think evaluating your intentions needs to be done. like, are you in this because you're afraid to be alone? single?

 

you have to give yourself some time to heal. jumping into a rebound relationship will only hurt you. think about it as this analogy...

 

would you try to arm-wrestle if your arm is broken? Of course not. Don't set yoruself up for further pain in the future.

 

and i don't think you've hit the worst part of healing because...you're not allowing yourself to heal. HEALING helps you REALIZE that its okay to be ALONE. and you're not physically or emotionally alone. So...if i were you, i would break it off with this guy and be fair to him and yourself. YOU come first. right after a break-up, its supposed to be about YOU, not about your ex.

 

..Always,

Allie.

[Daddy Bear]

in my experience it's better to take some time off between relationships--but in reality it doesn't always work out that way. we meet people when we meet them, what can we do?

[Dako]

Seems normal to me.

It's not as easy as 1-2-3 is it?

You really need to embrace yourself and discover who you are. You aren't likely to be the same person after such a trauma. I'm 9 months past the end of a 27 year relationship and just finding my footing.

 

You might think you can revert to your premarital self, but she's gone. Putting your insecurities on a BF's shoulders just puts off your own growth.

 

I hope you find your way to a better life.

[AwdreeHpburn]

violadeb - I think maybe seeing or talking to someone IS a good idea for you. It certainly can't hurt.

 

I think Dako said it well, you are a not the same person, sure some of you will always be there but parts of who you were are gone. I think a counselor of sorts can help you transition.

[Dako]

BTW,

If it's any consolation, I'm no whiz at this stuff.

My life's a real jumble.

[violadeb]

Thanks for the responses. I've always found it helpful to see my situation from other perspectives and to hear about others' experiences.

 

I never was one to depend on anyone else b/c I never had that option. For 23years of marriage I was the one who made all the important decisions from the kids to finances to vacations, just everything. Even the divorce was my decision. Even now I find myself talking my soon to be ex-husband through it all, making all the decisions still.

 

Now I feel like I am depending on someone and that my strength is coming from that and not from myself. I don't like that feeling. And I don't like myself much either. And I'm terrified if he pulls that support away that I will fall apart before I even got it together. On Monday I start a great new job, an opportunity I've wanted for years. My kids are doing terrific. I should be so happy and instead I am terrified that I am not strong enough to be alone if I have to.

 

Boy, I am depressing. I should be so thankful and instead I am a wreck. Maybe taking this week off was a mistake or maybe I need to fall apart before I can put myself back together. I wonder if you can do that in 5 days? haha

 

Thanks again.