Trust and getting back together

[aymee_lee]

Advice needed on current relationship. Help please!

 

Hi, I have used the forums before as a viewer and I have also offered some advice and just thought I might get some back myself! Not sure if I'm in the right thread but I figure this is about my ex boyfriend even though he is also my current boyfriend. Anyway, I'll try and cut a long story short...

 

My boyfriend and I were together for 4 years, from 17-21 (we are both now 23). We broke up (I broke it off) for no reason at all, but for a million reasons- if that makes any sense! Mainly our problems were (and I don't really want to get into a debate about these becasue I realise that they are problems that a lot of people have and manage to survive, but we didn't) that we had only been with each other, I made him my whole life (always put him first, didn't see my own friends much etc.) and when he didn't do the same I resented that, and towards the end of our relationship when we both weren't very happy he didn't always treat me the way he shoud have (getting upset with me for little things, not showing respect etc).

 

Before we broke up we had talked about the fact that we weren't happy a few times. So, when we eventually did break up I though he would agree that this was the best thing, I was wrong. He was very heartbroken and we didn't speak for about 6 months. After this time, we had coffee every few months and caught up. During the time we were broken up we each had other relationships. After being split for 18 months, I initiated us getting back together and we have been so for about 2 and a half months now. We have talked about breaking up and agree that while it hurt both of us a great deal, it was the best thing we could have done at the time.

 

My problem is this- he doesn't trust me fully. I know that is understandable and it will come with time, but I don't know what to do. He says that he doesn't fully trust me and he is worried that I might hurt him again. We are trying to take things slow to build our friendship back up. I understand that he would feel this way, and it is probably very selfish of me but I feel very frustrated beacuse I feel that I have no control. He still spends a lot of time with his friends doing things that I am not included in. To be fair (?) his group of friends do spend a lot of time together without their partners so it's not a really personal attack on me or anything but it's still difficult. I know I shouldn't compare but when we were together the first time, we were very involved in each other's lives; he practically lived with my family and I was very close to his family and friends. Now it's as though I am being kept at arms length (I guess to protect himself). He says he doesn't want to rush things and he wants to take things slowly. This is fine but it often means I don't get to see him as often as I would like (maybe only twice a week he comes over after dinner, and rarely on the weekends which is when I would like to see him as we both work full time) and I'm trying not to be too pushy about this.

 

My main questions/problems are these:

1- Am I being completely selfish to want to be inlcuded more in his life? The way I see it is if we don't sepnd time together this 'akwardness' will remain.

 

2- If I see a problem in our relationship (i.e. the time spent together) should I push the issue? I worry that if I do he will say I'm pushing him and not giving him space/taking things slowly enough.

 

3- In some ways I feel like I have no control about anything, but do I have any right to complain or did I give up that right when I broke his heart?

 

Ahhh- when did it all get so complicated?

 

Thanks everyone

[kittenmoomoo]

I think your best option is to sit down and speak to your bf about your feelings and what you want in the relationship. You need to come to a comprimise so that both parties are happy. In regards to him not fully trusting you, I think you need to keep reassuring him.

Don't worry, you're not at all being selfish. Approach the issue lightly so your bf cant say you're being pushy and no you didn't give up your right to tell him about your feelings and opinions. You have the right to express yourself. I hope this kinda helps you, sounds similar to my situation, so I'm still looking for help too.

[JJRadical]

1) I would say you are not being selfish at all, quite teh contrary you sound like you made some mature decisions. Your guilt and beating yourself up after "you broke his heart" lol is just ridiculous...you talk of him not being into you as much as you are into him and even DISRESPECT...while you continue to disrespect yourself over making a just decision he plays the victim and does No Contact on you for 6mos...

 

2)Do not push the issue...he will continue to respect you less...you must not only not push the issue but show him his not giving you time is of no concern to you...(although i feel at this time the time for teaching him how to treat you is past see #4)

 

3)Your his GF and he can't give you one weekend night?!...ninja please...look at you worrying about his reaction...see how he makes himself the victim and you the bad guy...HE WHO CARES THE LEAST WIELDS THE POWER...and right now you got no hand...

 

4)You could turn the tables on him through certain, shall we say communication techniques, but to what avail...you guys have been together forever in the context of your lives and at some point trust, respect, and communication have to enter the picture...this relationship is dead...he doesn't respect you and has the gall to say you "broke his heart?"...you going to spend the prime of your youth with this dude????????

[Belle]

Amy,

 

I have a different view from the other posters. I sense that you thought that going back into the relationship you would have more power since you initiated the breakup to begin with, and are frustrated that you receive less now than you had before. When the dumper goes back, the dumper often loses a whole lot of power. At least initially.

 

I do feel like you are being selfish. You don't see his side and you want what you want now. He has good reason to mistrust you. Whereas he may have agreed that the breakup was the best thing, I doubt he really feels this way. My guess is that it hurt him more than you. You broke his heart. Most of the time after that length of time the dumpee won't go back. They've hurt enough and the dumper has lost most, if not all of their value. You are fortunate that he's willing to forgive you enough to try again.

 

That being said, I can understand that you want more from him. I just don't think that pressuring him is going to get you what you want. I think you could open a discussion and see where he's at, if you're comfortable with it. I wouldn't make any demands but you can tell him what you prefer. You can't turn it on one day and decide you want someone back and expect it to go back to the way it was. It isn't fair to the other person. If the talk doesn't go well, you can always pull back. Pushing doesn't work but pulling back usually does. Spend more time with your friends and give him space because he seems to need it. My guess is that this isn't going to be an overnight thing.

[aymee_lee]

Ok thanks guys!