Do you have to keep "paying" for your mistake?

[PoloPony22]

I know that I am probably annoying everyone with my seemingly redundant posts. But please, if you have any advice, I could really use a pep talk right about now.

 

My bf caught me in a lie that was extremely damaging to our relationship. I lied about hanging out w/a platonic friend and he found out. I never physically cheated on him.

 

Since then, he has been up and down. Break up with me, call me names, tell me nasty things...then call me in a day or two. I keep telling him the same things over and over--that i love him, i know what i did was wrong, i know that i hurt him and that he's trying to protect me, that it's so hard to reconcile the differences between what he is feeling (insecure, vulnerable, betrayed) and what I know (that I would never do something like that again, the guilt i carry, etc.)

 

When we're apart (at work) he sends me emails:

 

It is about how you hold yourself and how you act. What you do and how you do it. No body gives a eff how smart you are. It is all ruined by how you act and hold yourself. I am not say this to put you down. It is the truth. You need to be a beter peson. Hold yourself like a lady! pathetic. how's it feel to know that everything knows you're a liar? no one will ever support you. esp your parents and that is obvious. you're a disappointment to them too.

 

I do not think that I am by any means a bad person. Neither do my friends. I have a great job, I'm a great friend, and I know that I have a lot going for me. People always tell me that I shouldn't take his name calling, and his verbal abuse (he tried to hit me once also)--but I can't help but feel like I make him act this way. I know that it's not really an excuse for him, but after months of being put down by him, I can't help but to believe it.

 

This weekend, he's going to the beach w/his friends, and told me that he's not going to say that he won't bring a girl home. I was originally invited, but now I'm not. I made plans to go up to visit a girlfriend in NYC. He freaked out, saying that he knew i was visiting a guy. I'm not. But I can understand why he would question my intentions. I don't think it's fair for me to have to sit at home, by myself, for four days, when he's out doing God knows what. But I don't want to make things worse by going away.

 

What should I do? I've tried talking to him rationally (believe me!) and he hears me, but I don't know if he's actually LISTENING. I feel like the "right" thing is to walk away before more self-damage is done (I'm now seeing a therapist!), but I can't deal w/the guilt that I made him this way now.

 

I cancelled part of my trip, to only go up for one night. Should I not go at all? It hurts so badly because I'm the one who messed up and I can't fix it and it's almost like I deserve all of this...

[novaseeker]

First, you don't deserve the verbal (and physical) abuse. It's just never appropriate. You should remove yourself from his presense when that starts to happen.

 

Beyond that, breaches in trust are a difficult thing. If he doesn't want to get over it, he won't. Also, if he wants to use your lie as an excuse to deep-six the relationship on a guilt-free basis, he may do that as well (often that happens in relationships where someone reacts this way). Ultimately the only thing you can do is (1) wait a bit to see if he changes his view of this situation and (2) decide how you want to proceed with your own life. Confronting the person and asking them to get over it doesn't generally work, nor does debating the substance of the lie with them ... either way they generally feel like their feelings are being deligitimised, and that makes them pull further away.

[Spugly Fuglet]

You lost you BF trust its going to take some time to get it back but if as you said you did nothing other than lie about being with your freand then stick to your guns. But next time tell the truth. did he name call befor you lied about being with your male freand, if not this is all about his insecurets brort on by your being with another man. Lie or not hes got a bigger problem if thats true there will be meny times when you will have male freands and he will have to start repecting you again and trusting you for your realtionship to move on.

 

His actions could also be him trying to make you dump him, that way hes the victim and can call you any thing he likes painting you as the bad one when in fact its him.

 

Tell him flat out you will not take his disrespect of you any more, if he can not move on from one lie then its him that has a problem.

 

Saying that you must never lie like that again ever, say it to him and mean it in yourself.

 

Truth, Stranght and Honnor

 

3 words, act them, do them, Be them

 

you can do no more

[RayKay]

I just wonder Polo whether even if I say "no, it's not fair that he is being cruel, abusive and throwing it in your face" whether you would do anything anyway about it, or would you stay? This is the latter I am scared of. I think you are letting your guilt allow you to be abused and treated this way.

 

He's cruel. I am sorry, but I think he would of always had it in him. If he didn't, he would be very hurt, upset, but he would not be being abusive in this way. All it took was an "excuse" for him to be this way, and he seized it. It's horrible, and I really wish you could see from an outside perspective how this is not going to get better, and how it's only going to get worse.

 

You are trapped in a cycle of highs and lows with him right now, you stay through these abusive cycles as you are now "needing" his approval. But guess what, you don't need it. What you need is to see that you deserve respect, you made a mistake, you owned up to it, and in a healthy relationship you would not be "paying" for it this way. Retribution is not healthy.

 

You don't deserve it, and honestly I REALLY think it's time you walked away. Set your own boundaries, stop allowing this treatment and make it clear if he is going to do this, you are gone. And follow through with it.

[CarnelianButterfly]

One thing I think you need to say to him is "GOODBYE".

Yes you lied, but if he choses to act like this in return, your lie is so miniscule by comparison. He doesn't respect you and you don't deserve that. One mistake is different from purposefully being hurtful and perpetuating the unhappiness. He is being immature and self-righteous. Think of how long this could go on, do you really want to continue to feel the way you do? How could a healthy relationship be possible if one member of it is always trying to punish the other. You need to tell him its over and maintain NC and move on to better, more mature partners who will accept that you are a human, just like them.

[Spugly Fuglet]

O thats cool we are all saying the same thing about him respecting you.

Grate minds A

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

With all due respect, why are you putting up with such a pathetic guy?

 

So he caught you hanging out with a PLATONIC friend.

 

Right. Well, you lied, so you said sorry and you clearly did mean it, look how wound up you are over it!

 

He knows it too, and he's now just using it as an excuse to put you down and threaten to "bring girls home" and all kinds of other cr*p.

 

What you did was very, very minor and don't you think there's something wrong with him to a) not seem to forgive you by now and b) even if he does forgive you, to use it against you?

 

And in any case, calling you pathetic and sending you harsh emails...whoa I would NOT stand for that. Just chuck the mofo, and find someone who can actually tolerate minor hiccups in relationships.

[fishrrshortae]

RayKay is absolutely right

He is just vicious. It's okay to be mad at you but nothing you did has warranted all of this. Is this how he is going to behave any time he is mad at you?

 

I can't imagine anything scarier than having to deal with an abusive boyfriend. Do yourself a HUGE favor and be done with him. Honey your future is not worth giving to this man, what's done is done and you can't undo what you did, nor can you undo the damage he himself has caused.

[Spugly Fuglet]

see even AntiLove_SuperStar says the same, we all think he has a deeper problem with blowing this up out of all prepaption.

 

I still feel he is using this to mask his own pain and to paint you in a bad light, is actions speck lowder than words I dont think he is a good man (yet).

[TheFallenShadow]

Aye, to pay for ones mistakes is one thing, but to contiually have to pay for small mistakes, or OTHERS mistakes is unfair to you. And weather a person is verbally abusive to you as he was in your email, or remaining totally silent to you is no less hurtful and only makes you feel even worse. I am sorry that you have to deal with that. But it is up to you what you will do....

[Shadows Light]

My bf caught me in a lie that was extremely damaging to our relationship. I lied about hanging out w/a platonic friend and he found out. I never physically cheated on him....

 

Why did you feel you needed to LIE to him? If he's just a friend... no need to LIE. Because your BF doesn't approve of you having male friends??? thats a different story.

 

Since then, he has been up and down. Break up with me, call me names, tell me nasty things...then call me in a day or two. I keep telling him the same things over and over--that i love him, i know what i did was wrong, i know that i hurt him and that he's trying to protect me, that it's so hard to reconcile the differences between what he is feeling (insecure, vulnerable, betrayed) and what I know (that I would never do something like that again, the guilt i carry, etc.)

 

 

STOP!!!! This... is where you need to hold your horses. how's he trying to protect you??? by calling you nasty names??? and being mean to you??? NO NO NO.. don't feel guilty over this !!!!

 

You'd never do something like what again??? what was it that he is specifically mad about... the LIE??? or hanging out with a friend???

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is about how you hold yourself and how you act. What you do and how you do it. No body gives a eff how smart you are. It is all ruined by how you act and hold yourself. I am not say this to put you down. It is the truth. You need to be a beter peson. Hold yourself like a lady! pathetic. how's it feel to know that everything knows you're a liar? no one will ever support you. esp your parents and that is obvious. you're a disappointment to them too.

 

OH for crying out loud... he's now an expert on YOUR parents. and he's telling you how to hold yourself and how to act... DARLIN.. step up to the plate and tell him this is 2006. He's pushing your buttons and controlling you. "No boyd gives an Eff about how smart you are????" hmmmm then WHY mention it???? Obviously he cares.

 

I do not think that I am by any means a bad person. Neither do my friends. I have a great job, I'm a great friend, and I know that I have a lot going for me. People always tell me that I shouldn't take his name calling, and his verbal abuse (he tried to hit me once also)--but I can't help but feel like I make him act this way. I know that it's not really an excuse for him, but after months of being put down by him, I can't help but to believe it.

 

DUMP HIM TO THE CURB. DONE. You are dating for petes sake... and he is a lousy self-centered abusive narcisstic butt head.

 

YOU DO NOT make him FEEL... that is a choice.. YOU DO NOT make him ACT... you are not his puppet master.. its his choice. He is verbally and emotionally abusing you and it will not get any better.

 

This weekend, he's going to the beach w/his friends, and told me that he's not going to say that he won't bring a girl home. I was originally invited, but now I'm not. I made plans to go up to visit a girlfriend in NYC. He freaked out, saying that he knew i was visiting a guy. I'm not. But I can understand why he would question my intentions. I don't think it's fair for me to have to sit at home, by myself, for four days, when he's out doing God knows what. But I don't want to make things worse by going away.

 

 

You know.... how can things be worse??? they are prety darn bad as it is. You are not being valued by this guy. He's putting you down. Treating you like an underling. Walking all over you. Verbally and mentally abusing you. And then... he tells you that he won't say that he "WON'T CHEAT" and you don't want to make anything worse.

 

Oh sweets... you deserve so much better than this guy. I know you LOVE him... but you don't have to LIKE the things he says and does. You need to take a turn on your heal and step away from him. Tell him to have a very nice time... and YOU WILL be going out with the guy of your choice. Have a nice life. Adios... hasta la vista.... good day... later butt head.... get rid of him.. and I'm almost guaranteeing you that you will feel better about yourself right away. This guy is sucking the ego right out of you.

 

 

What should I do? I've tried talking to him rationally (believe me!) and he hears me, but I don't know if he's actually LISTENING. I feel like the "right" thing is to walk away before more self-damage is done (I'm now seeing a therapist!), but I can't deal w/the guilt that I made him this way now

.

 

Of course he's not listening... its all about HIM HIM HIM HIM HIM....

 

I cancelled part of my trip, to only go up for one night. Should I not go at all? It hurts so badly because I'm the one who messed up and I can't fix it and it's almost like I deserve all of this

 

No. You don't deserve this. OK.. I'm not going to excuse you lying to him. You shouldn't have "HAD" to lie to him. If there is one thing that sets me off faster than lightening is being LIED to. The truth works. In your case... the truth came out and the punishment doesn't fit the crime.

 

In your case.... there has already been a HISTORY of abuse. Nothing can rationalize the way he's treating you. Draggin your parents and your friends and how you present yourself into it... he's demeaning and tormenting you.

 

GET TICKY.. GET UPSET... GET MAD... and GET OUT before he sucks you dry. He's a Narcisstic Pig. YOU deserve better.

[PoloPony22]

Thank you everyone for your posts....it helps to have some sort of support in this matter.

 

**When I wrote protecting ME, what I meant to write was protecting HIMSELF**

 

He was in a three year relationship prior to ours, (over a year), and for the last year of his previous relationship, he found out his gf was cheating on him.

That is why I can justify how he is feeling and how he is acting. I'm not an idiot--I feel like i have a lot of insight on the situation. I know that his behavior is not an excuse for the way he treats me, but at the same time, he never said a mean word to me before this happened. I know that it is better to see how he reacts to certain situations NOW as oppsed to five years down the road when we are married w/children, but I am hurting because he is hurting and I did that to him.

 

I am happy with who I am; I know that what he says is not true. I am not a wh*** or a sl*t, etc. etc....but it still hurts and after a while, it's so emotionally exhausting, that I break down.

 

I think why I am so worked up about the situation is because the blame is always put on me. When a girl from his work showed up on our doorstep (we lived together), and told me that Greg invited her over and told her he was single...or when I found vulgar emails to an older woman, with naked pictures she had sent to him on MY computer....it was MY fault because I did it first. It's SO frustrating trying to rationalize with someone who, frankly, isn't rational. But I justify the situation by taking the blame that I made him act that way...because in a way, I did! Ughh...I'm so drained by this....and I get so mad at myself for lying about it in the first place (I was afraid if i told him I was watching a movie w/a guy from work, he would take that as I was sleeping with a guy from work...but I'm not like that, and I think deep down he knows that.)

 

He has told me that he's afraid of getting hurt again, the way he was before--he slipped into depression after his last relationship. He is trying to "rid his life of the negative"---but if he really felt that I was so awful, why does he treat me like garbage, break up with me, and then call me back? Because I go...

[RayKay]

Because he was hurt by his last ex is no excuse or reason for him to be punishing you. If he has issues from that, he needs to sort them out himself.

 

On that note, nor should YOU be putting yourself through this treatment because of what his ex did.

 

In my experience, it's people whom are selfish and are not wanting to be responsibile for their own actions whom try and blame their past for how they treat you now. It's a way of avoiding "fault" in anything.

 

It's a good sign that when you are ALWAYS being blamed for their doings, or put to be at fault for their actions, you are being manipulated and emotionally abused.

 

Do you think it's healthy to be 'emotionally exhausted' in a relationship? And because your partner is driving you to that point? Do you honestly feel HAPPY with him? And no, not just some of the time, or when he is being nice! Is this what you truly want for the rest of your life? Or do you want to be loved, respected, cherished? If it's the latter, this is not the guy.

[Shadows Light]

In my experience, it's people whom are selfish and are not wanting to be responsibile for their own actions whom try and blame their past for how they treat you now. It's a way of avoiding "fault" in anything.

 

It's a good sign that when you are ALWAYS being blamed for their doings, or put to be at fault for their actions, you are being manipulated and emotionally abused.

 

Well said RayKay....

 

When he consistantly avoids "Responsibility" of any kind and foists it upon her shoulders inducing guilt and lowing her self worth... he avoids OWNING the part in this that is HIS.

 

No.... no one should pay for someone elses past. Thats wrong. I can understand how if he was burned once before... he'd be more careful about certain things this time. BUT.. it does NOT rationalzie the way he critisizes her "WHOLE" person and then tries to use family and friends to justify the truth to what he has to say.

[ftc]

It's obvious that he is acting this way so he won't get hurt again. He is trying to be the powerful dominant one rather than the submissive person that he probably was in the last relationship. he is being selfish treating you the way he does. He probably let his previous girlfriend walk all over him. So from what happened in that relationship he doesn't want to be put through that again. So ii he is blaming you for everything and constantly making you look like the bad "guy" he's putting up guards not to let himself get hurt again.

 

Let him know that he can trust you. Earn his trust back!!!