Can anyone tell me why I always feel like the outcast?

[chigal28]

I am sick of feeling this way, and I mostly hold it inside and let it fester away at me, so here goes. I am sick of always feeling like the outcast, and I'm not even sure why it keeps happening.

 

At my old job, I worked with two guys, three girls and two middle-aged women. I got along with all of them, but the three girls were a complete clique and would always go for lunch, walks, etc. together and get together outside work. I would chat with them and have decent conversations, but I was never "one of the gang." Never went out with them outside work, though they did all come to a housewarming party I had a couple years ago.

 

When I started my new job a year ago, it was at a small start-up company that had two offices...in my office was me, another girl my age (A) and a middle-aged guy who did sales. They were both great, and the three of us got along SO well....A and I had a blast at work, did stuff together outside work, etc.

 

Fast forward a year....now we've merged offices, and there are now...you guessed it, three other girls here, including A. I still get along well with A (though it's not the slaphappy silly fun it used to be), and I get along with one of the other girls (M)...the other girl (H) and I for some reason are always butting heads. But the three of them are always laughing and chatting, and A moved to the suburb she covers (we're with a newspaper), and she and M are now best buds, going out all the time and chatting the way A and I used to.

 

I asked M if she wanted to grab a drink last night after work, but she told me she was spending time with her bf....then A was leaving today and M asked her if she wanted to grab a drink this evening. I AM SICK OF IT!!! I put myself out there, and try to be sociable, and get shot down all the time. I happen to think I'm fun to hang out with, and I'll never understand this. I just want a happy, easy social life where I don't feel like I'm "begging" people to hang out with me or guilting them into it...or something....

 

I know A wants to have friends where she lives, so I don't begrudge her friendship with M, of course. I just now feel like once AGAIN, I'm on the outside and rejected. H makes it completely obvious that she doesn't like me by basically purposely and pointedly ignoring me, and she is one of those domineering types who completely affects those around her.

 

I'm going to be 30 years old next year, and I still feel like the helpless little junior high girl who's just trying to fit in and can't manage to do it and feels like crap because everyone else is having fun without her and doesn't care. Argh!

 

I don't feel pathetic--until other people make me feel that way. My roommates make me feel pathetic, my co-workers make me feel pathetic. I have supportive, awesome friends and a wonderful boyfriend, but the majority of my time is spent with people who make me feel somehow stupid and unworthy.

 

Just wanted to vent. Does anyone else ever feel this way, or am I just....well, pathetic?

[Lady Bugg]

Hiya Chigal..I can TOTALLY relate. Don't beat yourself up though..I doubt it's ANYthing to do with you at all. I have rarely had close female friends..but the truth is I don't trust women much as far as friendship goes.

 

From a businesss owners point of view, I think professional relationshis should remain professional...period. It just cuts out a lot of unnecessary drama. Do you REALLY want to be part of a "clique"?? I never did. It was just so...highschool. You said you are almost 30. I think by 30 trying to 'fit in" should be the least of your priorities. Focus on being a leader...someone everyone else wants to follow. Try to cultivate friendships OUTSIDE of work. Believe me...your life will be SO much smoother. Besides....I know from experience..when you go out with people froem work, ALL they tend to do is gossip about..what else? Work. Yuck.

[XLiFeLeSs_GaZeX]

I agree with Lady Bugg. There are heaps of girls at my work who sick together, theres like 5 of them in a group. They go out together, have lunch together and gossip together. I talk to them, but to be honest its better to be out of the group, espcially in at a workplace.

 

I don't feel pathetic--until other people make me feel that way. My roommates make me feel pathetic, my co-workers make me feel pathetic. I have supportive, awesome friends and a wonderful boyfriend, but the majority of my time is spent with people who make me feel somehow stupid and unworthy.

If people make you feel like this, the only thing to do is part yourself from them

[confused25]

Hey chigal28!

 

I totally understand how you feel! I'm in a some what a similar situation at work. I'd say don't stress over it. You'll have other friends outside of work that you can hang out with, and getting too buddy buddy with coworkers might not always be a good thing. A lot of the female coworkers at my work talks a lot of trash behind each others' backs, so sometimes I'm glad that I'm not involved in all that ish . . .

[ElektraHere]

I disagree with some of the advice. Work is work. Yes it is nice to build relationships there but look outside of work. A job can last 5 years max nowadays. Do you have any g/f's outside of work?

 

I have my close g/f's that I have known some since I was 5 years old. I dont think women are untrustworthy. When someone says they dont have close g/fs because of that reason, is because they need all the attention and that is why they cant have g/f's. They would have to share the spotlight so to speak. I had a friend who was like that. Flirted with anything that had a penis. Didnt matter if he was old, young, ugly, cute she was an attention wh0re She liked having male friends because then she could have the spotlight all on her. It was quite sickening and alot of the girls were turned off by that. (not saying you are doing this its just my example)

 

At my work now I am friendly with the gals there. But really I am there to do my job and when I leave I leave the job and everything about it there. So what! If they want to have their "clique" let them. Its not anything against you or who you are as a person. Yes it sucks and sorry you have to work with those type gals but dont discount friendships with women because of a few gals at work.

[ElektraHere]

I am not saying all women are attention wh0res. There are some though you must admit. Then there are tomboys too. I know my good friend growing up was a tomboy. I was the girly girl and she was the down and dirty climbing trees gal.

 

My point was trust in women and work and personal life are separate.

[chigal28]

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughtful responses. I guess what's really my problem with all this is that when I was in elementary school and junior high I was always the really short girl with glasses, and to top it off we moved every three years, so I felt like I was always, ALWAYS just trying to fit in. I always made good friends everywhere we went, but the so-called "cool kids" made my life hell.

 

Fast forward 20 years.....ridiculous as it sounds, people like the girls at work (my old job AND my new job) still manage to make me feel like that insecure little girl again!!! Like the reason I don't fit in is because I'm not as good as them somehow, not worthy of being accepted. Which is crap!!! And the insecurities this is bringing to the surface is starting to affect the relationships I have with the friends that I DO care about....I feel like I'm just a big ball of neediness and I wouldn't want to be around me!!!!

 

My roommates kinda treat me the same way as my co-workers....I was friends with both of them individually before the three of us moved in together, and because I was always out of the apartment at work, hanging with other friends or a bf, they completely bonded and became best buds....meaning I'm the third wheel that always manages to get left out. IT SUCKS! They were both worried that one or the other of them might be the third wheel, but I didn't think it would be me. I still have good chats with each of them when the opportunity presents itself, but I don't really hang out with them outside the apartment too much. It doesn't help matters that both of my roommates and the girls from work (especially H, for some reason) seem to have a million friends outside of work.....

 

In response to raingate, I don't usually have to work with her directly...we're in the newspaper business, and I'm the editor of one paper, she's the editor of another. It's just that I feel so incredibly rejected, and judged, and my self-esteem is in shambles as it is--I can't handle this!!!

 

I do have gf's outside of work and my apartment, but only one that lives in the city...the rest are in the suburbs or other states (as in my friends from high school). I want to make new friends, but I feel like--if the people I know NOW don't like me, why would new people? And I don't even know where to meet new people!! I have this constant fear of rejection, which for some reason has gotten stronger since I've started going to therapy. I'm afraid that the people who ARE my friends are going to suddenly wake up and see me the way my co-workers and roommates see me. I constantly compare myself to other people, and come up short.

 

I see groups of girls like those on Sex and the City and feel wildly jealous. I have my girlfriends, but most of them I don't see all that often--maybe once a month or so. I'm starting to feel like if I dropped off the face of the earth, it wouldn't matter all that much to more than a few people. I'm not saying I wish I had never been born, because I feel like I've been a good friend and had a positive effect on at least some people's lives....I just wish I could disappear somewhere and not worry about other people ever again.

[Lady Bugg]

Yes Elektra IS right on some points about the not having g/f's part...although I think calling someone an attention * * * * * is a bit extreme. I certainly have my reasons for not trusting women..and most of it goes back to very early childhood. Bad experiences that had NOTHING to do with needing OR wanting attention.

 

Anyway. I don't want to hijack this thread.....

I hope at least SOME of what i said was helpful to the poster