fear of letting go

[blueberrypie]

It's been three weeks. Day after day I feel better.

I'm trying to get myself in a stage where I could say 'no' if he comes back. I'm trying this because I lost trust in him. Even if he comes back, I wouldn't be able to believe everything he says. He didn't have another girl or something like that. But he promised the future and took it back without a reasonable reason(he said he didn't want to feel restrained).

I really want to be back together. But when I tried to think about the scenario of his coming back, I realize that it's close to impossible scenario. And then I begin to feel abandoned again. He's already gone, so I shouldn't feel abandoned again.

How can I get over this feeling?

[PRSOV]

Hey there blueberrypie,

 

I am glad that you are feeling better each day... that is a very good sign that you are moving on with you life. It doesn't matter how long this takes, as long as you get there in the end.

 

My advice is to try and keep yourself busy as much as possible during the day and night. Maybe try something that you haven't tried before, if you keep yourself busy these feelings that you have for your ex will slowly fade with time.

 

What was the ending of the relationship like? How did it really make you feel afterwards?

 

We are all here to support you.

[blueberrypie]

 

What was the ending of the relationship like? How did it really make you feel afterwards?

 

 

It's a long story. I'm still confused about the ending. I'm writing it down because I think it may help me understand it better.

 

We knew that it is going to end. He was graduating and going to China for 6 months. He began to talk about being together since a month before leaving. He kept that for 3 weeks and seemed to be serious. But one week before leaving, he suddenly changed his mind. After one great evening, he dropped the line "I don't think I want to come back after China." It was so sudden and I was heart-broken. I tried to be cool. But he wanted to keep talking, or rather, he wanted me to talk. I asked him how long he thought about that and he said it's been two days. I asked why he didn't tell me earlier and he said that he wasn't sure how he felt till he actually said it. So I said I understood and said goodbye. Before the breakup we planned to watch my favorite musical after his graduation(it was my graduation gift for him), and he said that he still wanted to watch the musical and he could sleep on my couch if I felt uncomfortable sleeping with him. I didn't want to prolong the pain, so I said I don't want him to watch it with him. I tried to leave, but he kept following me. I ended up crying 2~3 hours in front of him and he came to my place and kept company with me. (I know it sound stupid. I shouldn't have done this, but I just couldn't lose him like that.)

The next day we talked almost all day and realized that we're gonna spend all the time before his graduation talking about our relationship so we decided that we are gonna keep the relationship till he goes to China and see what happened after that. So we were sort of the relationship from that point. Two days before the graduation, his parents come, so we had dinner together and went to the dance. He was there, but I could sense that his mind has already left. So I told him he could leave me if he's staying just for me. He was the one who wanted to keep the relationship before he actually leaves the country, so I thought he would say "I'm sorry that I made you feel like that. I'll pay more attention from now on." Boy, was I naive? =( He hesitated for a second and he said that he wanted to leave with his family right after the graduation. He said that he would have said what I have expected if I asked that a day ago(before his parents were in town) but after his parents came everything had changed. He felt like I was holding him back from his family. His parents kept calling him while we were talking about breakup. I could feel that he really wanted to be with his family. I realized that there was nothing I could do. So I said goodbye and was driving home. But again, I couldn't lose him like that. It was so sudden. So I drove back to his way. He was still walking. I stopped my car in front of him and said that I felt it's wrong thing to do. He was persistent. So I just checked there's nothing I could do.

The next day I called him and left a message saying I still felt it's wrong. He called me back and said there's nothing he could do. I told him that we at least need a proper goodbye. So we met that night and said goodbye. He said he's gonna look me up when he comes back from China. I said goodbye and he said 'see you'.

Two weeks later, the day before his leaving to China he called me. I wouldn't have answered but the caller-id was blocked so I answered. We talked about 10 minutes. I tried to be as normal as possible and I think I was successful. He said he missed me and he's gonna keep in touch with me.

 

That was rather long story of how the relationship ended.

Even after writing it, I don't know how I feel. Should I be mad at him because he is being so selfish? That's how I feel. I feel that he's selfish. He does whatever he wants to do at that moment without considering me.

Or should I be mad at me becuase I said that he could leave me if it was just for me when I wanted him to stay with me no matter what?

 

I think he will actually contact me when he comes back from China. But at that time I want to look like I'm changed, like I moved on. But deep in my mind I know that I'm not ready for a relationship. I don't want to bring the baggage in a new relationship. So I want to be healed first. But I'm afraid that if I stay alone he's gonna think that I was waiting for him and think I'm pathetic. Is it a wrong thing to think?

[brando]

One of the best ways of getting over this feeling of being abandoned is to fully understand and believe, that he didnt abandon you, he simply left. He made a choice in his own best interest, and now it is time for you to continue what your doing.. and take care of you.

[Orlander]

True words, brando. It really does seem he is just doing what he feels is in his best interest. It's hard, I know. I'm sorry you hurt, blueberrypie.

 

If someone wants to go, let them go.

 

 

orlander

[blueberrypie]

Thanks guys.

Whenever I left his place he said 'are you gonna abandon me?' and made a very sad face. Gosh. Now even the word 'abandon' reminds me of him and makes me sad. But I brando, I get your point.

Writing the details of break-up backfired and put me into a very depressing stage. Maybe I was repressing all the sad feelings and released them by writing it. So I guess it's a good thing that I wrote them.

 

Orlander: How can I let them go? I know, there's nothing I can do to prevent them from going. But how can I truly let them go in my mind and give up all the hope that he will not come back, or even if he comes back I shouldn't care?

[Orlander]

But how can I truly let them go in my mind and give up all the hope that he will not come back, or even if he comes back I shouldn't care?

 

It just takes time and some effort. Every time thoughts of my ex pop into my mind, I picture a drill seargent getting in my face saying "you will CONTROL your thoughts, mister!!" Doesnt always work, but the first step is in wanting to heal and get over your ex. It took a long time to get to that point for me.

 

Once you stop resisting, you will be surprised at how easier it is to live and even to be happy.

 

 

Orlander

[brando]

blueberry pie,

 

their is an old motto i use quite a bit... and i infected this site with it through out other posts as well..

 

What you resist will persist. It is all about acceptance. When you teuly accept this situation for what it is..you will feel relieved. It takes some time, and some awareness of your thoughts especially.

 

Orlanders technique is interesting, and it can become highly effective upon practicing it over and over. Basicaly you are training your brain to stop dwelling on these thoughts. And you will be surprised how your perspective and your feelings will change once trianing your thoughts.

 

be well

brando

[blueberrypie]

wanting to heal and get over your ex.

 

Once you stop resisting, you will be surprised at how easier it is to live and even to be happy.

 

 

This makes me a little bit embarrassed. Despite of what I have said before I think I was secretly 'not want to' heal and get over my ex.

Reading this passage made me feel much less stressful.(Cause I realize that there's nothing wrong about wanting to get over my ex.)

Thanks, Orlander.

[blueberrypie]

blueberry pie,

 

What you resist will persist. It is all about acceptance.

 

 

It reminds me of a line from the movie "28 days".

A baseball player tries to teach a girl how to throw a ball and said that she shouldn't try to control where the ball goes. She should focus on what she 'can' control. Her posture, her balance. When she focuses on herself, she threw perfectly.

After having written and read it, I realized that it may not be a good comparison. But the point is, I should let go of the things I can't control, isn't it?

[Allie.]

hey Blu

 

Break-ups alone are very hard but not having a sufficient reason of a break-up..where your ex states the [raw] classic statement of "its not anything you did..." etc...

 

my point: its even harder when its not your fault but that they think that they don't want to "stick to one person" or "restrain themselves" or "don't wanna put up with the stress that you come from"..etc.

 

So I completely understand where you're coming from sweetie, cuz I'm going through a very similar situation. But one thing that I learned [and continue learning] is the fact that...the reasons for the breakup don't matter...whether it be your fault or not or whether the other person wants to restrian themselves or not. The reasons don't matter. In the end...you're stuck with the cold hard bitter truth which is that...it ENDED.

 

The reasons it ended aren't important, whats more important is the fact is that it ENDED. period. its gone. You have to keep reminding yourself that your ex is gone...and maybe things could work out for you guys in the future...but "if you love someone, let 'em go...if they were ever urs, they'll return...if they don't return, they were never urs"...

 

So the reason doesn't matter. It seems to me as if your ex has already made it clear that anything you say or do is not going to make him change his mind. Sadly, I had to realize and that you have to realize too...that he probably isn't going to come back for a while.

 

That is because before he broke it off with you, he rationalized in his head why he was doing it. I'm sure he thinks about you often and is like, "oh..well i sort of miss her" but then he is overcome with the thoughts that he rationalized to break up with you, for example, in your case, they might be, "but then again, its the summer and there's so many choices out there and i don't want a serious relationship."

 

Darling, you have to understand that even though their [stupid ex's] reasons for break-ups don't make sense to the dumpees...we all have to come together and realize that...somewhere...deep...deep...yes, deeper...in their head, all of those reasons make sense in a heck of a twisted way.

 

The very scary hard truth is that you can never have a relationship with someone who doesn't want to have a relationship with you and he doesn't want to have a relationship with you. and that hurts. [oh boy] haha. but its the truth. the break-up was his choice. you can't do anything but accept it. you have NO other choice.

 

Sometimes life throws lemons at us...so go make your lemonade. =D

 

Keep healing girl.

 

and I'm here for you.

 

If you need to talk, i'll be around some other forum here =D hahah!

 

Allie.

[blueberrypie]

I'm sure he thinks about you often and is like, "oh..well i sort of miss her" but then he is overcome with the thoughts that he rationalized to break up with you, for example, in your case, they might be, "but then again, its the summer and there's so many choices out there and i don't want a serious relationship."

 

Sometimes life throws lemons at us...so go make your lemonade. =D

 

 

 

Thanks Allie! I was looking for you, but you've already left.

 

I probably shouldn't, but thinking that he misses me makes me feel better. I think it's because it makes me feel all that time we spent together wasn't 'nothing'. Or do I wish that he will come back because he misses me?

I wouldn't know, but I hope not.

 

I like the lemonade analogy. As much as I'm sad that the relationship is over, I'd like to take all the good things from the relationship....and make lemonade with the lemons. =)

[Allie.]

Hey Blu!

 

Good for you girl. You go get 'em.

 

And its completely normal to feel better knowing that he misses you. Well, that was mistake of mis-wording. He doesn't necessarily miss you but he definitely thinks of you. Because of NC thing...like he's gonna wonder, "Where is she? What is she doing?" complete human nature.

 

I've been the dumper before and the feelings I felt during that were [guilt, loss, fear] and i'm sure he feels the same way. Because he DOES care for you but he doesn't necessarily care for you in the same way you want him to care for you.

 

And you know what? That's his loss. If he doesn't care for you the way you want him to...he's missing out on a sweet girl =D [idiot] hahaha.

 

Anyway, Keep up the healing. and just keep reminding urself that its over and that its the SUMMER and the oppurtunities are great and just have fun. Don't worry about it till you have to see him again =D.

 

l.o.v.e

Allie.

[blueberrypie]

And its completely normal to feel better knowing that he misses you.

 

Thanks again, Allie.

It's good to know that I'm not crazy feeling that way. =)

 

 

Because he DOES care for you but he doesn't necessarily care for you in the same way you want him to care for you.

This is sad and/but true. But encouragement for me to move on. There was something for both of us, but now it's over. Keep moving.

 

Thanks for the encouragement, Allie. I owe you so much!

[Allie.]

Hahaha. psh. you owe me nothin girl. Just keep movin forward. =D

 

g'luck chica.