Unrequited love- am i shallow?

[Princess18]

My best male friend told me last night that he was in love with me. I have no romantic feelings for him at all but I cherish our friendship. He is the funniest, kindest, generous, caring guy I know, yet the problem is, i'm not physically attracted to him.

 

Maybe it's my fault because I speak to him everyday and see him at weekends and always accept to have dinner at his house with his family when i'm invited. Maybe this is giving him the hint that i'm interested-maybe I shouldnt see him as much? but I genuinely love being with him.

 

I've previously told him that I ONLY want to be friends with him and nothing more but he insists we should have a go as being a couple. When i told him no, i don't want to be with him because i don't have feelings for him he replied that love grows and it isnt always there in the start.

 

Is it me being shallow because he isnt good looking enough? could love potentially grow? I feel so bad because theres nothing i don't like about him except his looks. But then i think- hang on a minute- i can't have a relationship with someone im not attracted to- that's crazy cos my eyes will always be wandering....oh i don't know what to do

[SwtMary]

I don't think that you are shallow. We cant help who we fall in love with and who we are or aren't attracted to. I wouldn't feel bad about now loving him.

 

If you think that spending so much time with him is hard for him, then I would lessen the time you spend with him. If he doesn't have a problem with it, then continue what you are doing.

 

He knows how you feel now and should respect that...Good luck!

[AwdreeHpburn]

Princess - i have totally been where you are.

 

I'm sorry for your predicament. I don't think you are being shallow. Physical attraction is a HUGE part of chemistry. I'm sure you know this, but you know we (humans) don't eat food based on how it looks! It's true. Chefs are trained how to PRESENT our food as well as how to cook it because how it looks to us is so very important.

 

I'm sorry that such a good friend to you won't settle for anything but a romantic relationship. I feel badly for him because most likely, it will never be the way he wants it to.

 

I don't want to say, oh, just keep being his friend, he'll be happy to have you in his life at all.

 

Or, stop all contact, hanging out with him will just make it worse.

 

I don't know him, but you do. What do YOU think he'll deal better with? I mean, which one will get your message through most loud and clearly?

[lady00]

Don't beat yourself up. You should never feel guilted into dating someone or feel like you "should" date someone even if they are nice and you enjoy spending time with them. Date because you feel a spark. Wait until you meet someone who has the whole package that you're looking for (including physical attraction).

[ElektraHere]

I don't think your shallow. You just aren't into him that way. I have been on your friend's side and what I can say is he is having his share of ups and downs. The thing is he may say ok we can still be friends but he may have thoughts that you WILL change your mind.

 

I had a male friend whom I had an amazing connection with. We talked daily for hours at a time, had similar senses of humor, and had a great time together. When I told him I had feelings he did not respond the way I wanted. I wanted to know why and he would never give me the reason. However I suspect it is the same as what you feel I wasnt good looking enough. (I can say I am NOT bad on the eyes)

 

We had our ups and downs and I tried to continue the relationship but it just wasnt going to work. I had too much of my heart invested in him. The last straw was I fell as far as a person can fall and wanted to end it all. I credit some EXCELLENT people on this site for talking me through things.

 

My point is your friend has expressed his feelings for you and you have responded. It wasnt the answer he hoped to hear. He may give up but I think he may continue to "convince" you that you two are meant to be.

 

The one thing I would suggest is be kind to him. He is dealing with alot of emotions for you. Don't bolt on him or ignore him. Thats what my friend did. That does nothing but hurts and makes the person want to "fix" things. The thing that may need to take place if you two decide to continue the friendship is to agree to some time apart.

 

I hope this gives you some insight and to say you are not shallow you are just human

[Princess18]

thanks guys, phew now i dont feel so bad. i consider myself above average in the looks department (please dont think im boasting- im trying to be honest) and never seem to have any luck with good looking guys- all they want me for is sex!! it's true!! they're all jerks and break my heart. just feels like the only guys who treat you right and are great to be with are the not-so-good-looking types? do i have a point?

[AwdreeHpburn]

Great advice Elektra!! Well said.

[RayKay]

You aren't shallow. If you aren't attracted to someone, you just aren't. Even if you overlooked that and decided to go for it anyway, I am pretty confident down the road you would regret it anyway, and it would only hurt worse.

 

Sure love grows, but there still needs to be that spark, that chemistry that brings you together in the first place. Love and passion are not mutually exclusive, you know!

 

I think you have to be pretty firm with him that you aren't interested, and establish some boundaries so it is very clear you aren't "girlfriendy" with him. This may mean limiting your friendship. It won't be easy, but I would listen to Elektra - she is right that he may continue hoping you will change your mind, and that is not healthy for him either.

[Momene]

Sometimes I see "trophy girls" and think they're pretty but it's the girl who's not so immediately noticeable that grabs my attention. You can't choose who you're attracted to, it just happens.

[lady00]

Don't worry. There is an attractive guy out there who will treat you well. In fact there are many. You are still so young, don't lose faith in guys, at least not yet! Physical attractiveness and good personality aren't mutually exclusive, and you will find people to date who have both.

[SarahRose]

So he is great in every way except his looks? It is a shame that you can't find one thing about his appearance that is beautiful.

 

What will happen is he will find an awesome girl who loves him as he is and have a wonderful life and then after you have had your fill of the hot bad boys who use you, you'll look back and wish you would have given him a chance.

[hurtingrl]

Hi Princess,

 

I was in your position at one time and made a very bad mistake. My best guy friend at the time "convinced" me to try things but I was not attracted to him in that way. But I felt that I should give it a try because he was so sweet in every other way; we were so close and I did think in my head "am I passing up something great here?"

 

Well, we dated for a few months and it didn't work out. We were never on the same level of feelings towards each other. He told me he loved me and I never loved him. It was too intense that I lost my friendship with him as well. Looking back I should not have forced anything and maybe we would have stayed friends to this day.

 

Either way, you will find a nice guy that you are attracted to and he will find someone whom he deserves as well. The icing on the cake is that you still have a great friend and a great boyfriend.

 

It is hard for your guy friend, but I think it would be even harder for him to go through the hope of things working out and then getting hurt even worse down the line.

 

So I guess love could potentially grow (even if it didn't for me) but you have to think if you are willing to risk the friendship to find out.

[lady00]

So he is great in every way except his looks? It is a shame that you can't find one thing about his appearance that is beautiful.

 

What will happen is he will find an awesome girl who loves him as he is and have a wonderful life and then after you have had your fill of the hot bad boys who use you, you'll look back and wish you would have given him a chance.

 

I disagree. You can't force attraction to happen. It's either there or it isn't. I have made this mistake before. It didn't work out because I did not feel the same way about my now-ex as he did about me. I liked him in many ways, he was a great guy but I just wasn't into him in that way. I am physically attracted to the person I am currently with and whether or not it's a good or bad thing, I can definitely feel the difference and I am happier in this relationship. I should also add that while looks aren't everything, they are part of the package and I have often found that some people just seem to have a knack for approaching and hooking people they want to date. So it's not just about looks, or personality. It's a whole combination of timing, charm, attractivenss and a ton of other things you can't really account for. Often, you just know when it feels right...or wrong.

[Momene]

It's the "je ne sais quoi" factor. Some girls I'm attracted to or been attracted to aren't necessarily the best lookers, it's just that there's some sort of "chemistry" there that i can't explain.