Do I miss "her" or "being in a relationship"?

[navigator2001]

My relationship of 3 years (2 years in undergrad, one year after), fell apart 3 months after she went to grad school many miles away. It's been 2 months since it's ended, and of course I replay things in my head about what I could have done right during our relationship so that it never came to this.

 

She claims that the distance, together with the fact that I wasn't affectionate just got too much for her, and she needs some time to do her own thing. She doesn't want anything serious anymore, and may not ever want it again, she's just not sure. Either way, I'm not about to hang around and wait, I have to move on as well.

 

However, I've been thinking about my situation, and reflecting on the past 2 miserable months I've had. I'm trying to figure out if I miss this girl, or I miss the relationship (the comfort of knowing someone is there, someone I can talk to whenever, someone who can talk to me). I say this because, there were times when we were together that I wished I was single (is that common for everyone??). And we almost broke up twice while we were together, but it never fully went through.

 

I THINK she's the girl for me, and I FEEL that I want to be with her, but I just can't tell if it's the companionship I miss, or if I let "the one" slip through my fingers.

 

How do you tell?

[brando]

I do think it is the relationship you miss more than anything. That assurance that she was there.

 

I read somewhere that is the biggest part of the breakup that drives the one dumped into misery. I think that is why it is always suggested to go out and date, nothing serious, just find more acquaintainces with other women.

 

I am sure you miss her as well, after spending a cnsiderable anount of time with one person, and they leave, will hurt, and you will miss them. But it is the relationship that is missed more.

 

You seem to have the right idea, not waiting around, it is the best thing to do.

 

Be well.

brando

[friscodj]

Great question man...

 

It's tough. I think when you love someone you love being with them too, so the two are in a way intertwined. Do you love her, or love the idea of her? Do you love her, or love being with her or love being in love with her or someone else? All epic questions...

 

How do you tell? Man, when you figure that one out, write a book and you'll be a rich man.

 

I think there are three things to consider when trying to find this answer:

 

1) Your insight and reflection. Overnanalyze everything, then trust your best judgment and take that as your answer.

 

2) Time. If you go out for 5, 10, 15 years, date tons of other women, and never come close to having with any of them what you had with your ex, it probably was love...

 

3) Destiny. If at some point down the road, the powers that be bring you two together by some freak "chance" (not to be confused with you chasing her or influencing her to get back together) and you guys make things happen, it probably was true love...

 

But we're just BS'ing by the watercooler with all this. Time to get back to doing your job and that is moving ahead and past all this...

[Hyperia81]

That is a difficult question.

Its like asking if you miss swimming more then you do the actual water you swim in. Companionship is a heavy chain that stays on even after someone leaves the relationship, it takes time to get back into sync with living life as just an individual instead of a couple but thankfully time does heal alot...

 

Only time can say, give it some time and reevaluate how you feel about her, you may be shocked to find that being alone again could be more beneficial to you then being coupled...

 

Hyperia-

[nsbguy32169]

I think if you missed her more than the relationship, you would have listed qualities of her that you miss, instead of listing the joys of being with someone you love.

[PersonalGrowth]

I'm not sure which one it is in your case, but there is a difference. As I sit here on the verge of ending a relationship which had seemed fantastic at one time, I am certain that I love the man and always will - but I do not love the relationship and I am 90% certain that it's not fixable.

 

For me in this situation, the way I can tell is that I can look at all of his qualities independent of our relationship, warts and all and feel true love for him as a person. True in the sense that I want him to be be happy, to succeed in life and even to experience great love with a woman, even if it isn't me. However, some of his qualities make it such that I seriously doubt a healthy relationship is possible and I am not willing to settle for an unhealthy one. I love HIM, feel empathy and compassion for HIM, but I am unhappy with the relationship. Getting back to the way to tell is to look at the qualities of the person; for example, he has integrity, is caring, has a good sense of humor, is sincere, stubborn ... Then look at how those qualities played out in relation to your own qualities when the two were mixed together.

 

Best of luck to you

[need2bme]

Frisco...way right...and way funny.

 

I agree that it is probably both. If you love her, you probably love being with her. I think it is best to remember that when the relationship starts getting harsh or both do not work together, then it is a good time to rethink the answer.

[friscodj]

I think it is best to remember that when the relationship starts getting harsh or both do not work together, then it is a good time to rethink the answer.

 

Oh yes indeed. Any blatant unhealthiness, like abuse, cheating, lying, stealing, etc. That ain't love, that's just a bad relationship...