I am the most shyest person I've ever known and I need help with dating!

[manyemotions02]

I have always been shy since I first could remember things. I had friends when I was in Elementary and middle school but as years went on the shyness got worse and worse. Since a lost my sister and I was physically and verbally abused I basically shut myself off from the world. I could never just go up to someone who I think is cute or that I like and another problem is that I am not attracted to people around my age which is 19. I have had to grow up faster than most people my age so the guys that I am attracted to are older and usually around 28. I just don't really know what to do since i fell into this extreme shyness I have not had a date. I feel so alone and so ugly that i am unwanted and worthless. Is there anyone out there that might be able to help?

[Haven]

Well, shyness usually results from fear of social rejection. Usually shy people are scared of saying the wrong thing or embarrassing themselves, or just of social rejection in general (the logic is that it's safer to not say anything, because you can't get rejected if you never try). One way to get over being shy is to work on your self-esteem and self-confidence. It sounds like you have low self-esteem.. I'm sure you aren't ugly or unwanted, and you are probably less alone than you think you are. Also, no one is worthless. Your self-worth comes entirely from what you think of yourself, not from what other people think of you.

[manyemotions02]

well my self esteem is very very low. you say that basically its what you make of yourself not what other people think but in society today it is what other people think because if there wasn't love where two people care for each other and like each other and are attracted then what is there? when a person is told over and over how worthless they are how lazy stupid and everything else ones self esteem is going to be low and then thereforeee they will feel worthless like i do. its very hard for me to not feel worthless when your father verbally and physically abuses you. i know i shouldn't feel that way but its hard. im shy because i am afraid of rejection but not only that but im afraid that i will end up with someone like my father who abuses me.

[not_invincible]

Well, I can only imagine how you're feeling because of the loss of your sister and the abuse you've been through; but I know what it's like to have very low self-esteem, and to need intimacy. I've worked on my self-esteem by completely immersing myself in school and bicycling, and doing my very best at both, but not being absolutely perfect (I spend all my time doing homework and getting into shape). Although these things can be very isolating at times, it gives you peace of mind to know that you've achieved something, and it also builds up your self-esteem slowly, but solidly. It also (for me anyways) removes the need for intimacy, which allows for easier talking to the opposite sex.

 

I'm beginning to meet more people, people who have noticed and appreciated my effort at things. This kind of people is the best you could ever know. So, I think you just need to immerse yourself in something to can do well at, and slowly break out of your shell. It seems everything is male-dominated these days, so you will be noticed by "someone", probably much sooner than later.

[Haven]

well my self esteem is very very low. you say that basically its what you make of yourself not what other people think but in society today it is what other people think because if there wasn't love where two people care for each other and like each other and are attracted then what is there? when a person is told over and over how worthless they are how lazy stupid and everything else ones self esteem is going to be low and then thereforeee they will feel worthless like i do. its very hard for me to not feel worthless when your father verbally and physically abuses you. i know i shouldn't feel that way but its hard. im shy because i am afraid of rejection but not only that but im afraid that i will end up with someone like my father who abuses me.

Self-esteem is actually not what other people think. That's why it's called "self-esteem". Your attractiveness, your popularity may be determined by other people, but your SELF-esteem is entirely what you think of yourSELF. That's the literal definition of it.

 

I haven't been through what you have, but I also have had low self-esteem. I still do occasionally. I know it's very hard to fix low self-esteem.. but just remember that you are NOT worthless. You will not end up with someone like your father unless you let yourself -- you should be able to know the signs of an abuser and you will be able to get out of the relationship early on. I don't really know what other advice I can give you.. I had extremely low self-esteem, nothing other people said helped, until one day I read a book that totally changed my entire perspective on myself. So hopefully you will be able to find something life-changing like that. Please understand that SELF-worth and SELF-esteem are what YOU think of YOURSELF, not what other people think of you.