my jealous sister?

[SnoGirl42]

To make a long story short about 3-4 months ago my sister met my boyfriend when we first started dating. It was at a local bar with about 5 other people that my boyfriend didn't know. So the first question my sister asked him was "so what do you do?" and he replied jokingly "i'm a drug dealer" (which he's not he has a career in finance and makes a great salary). So the other people started joking around and he never seriously answered my sister's question.

 

So my sister didn't like what he said (understandable) and i talked to him about it, he gave me an explanation as to why, and he said he wouldn't say that anymore, and he doesnt. Well, my sister has not let this go and in fact she's going around telling mutual friends and family members what he said but in a negative way. It's really starting to bother me, it hurts, and I don't understand it. Last week we got into this big argument after she said something about him.

 

I mean i don't understand what her deal is. She was in a 5 year relationship didnt tell my parents. And here I introduce him to my parents and my parents reallyyyy like him.

 

I'm kind of venting in this post (and there's more but i didnt want to leave a long post), but at the same time how do i prevent this from ruining my relationship with my sister? This doesn't make sense, shes almost 30 and has a master's in marriage/family therapy. What should i do?

[Cadence308]

It really sounds like your sister should grow up. Her age and not only her level of education, but the fact that she has a master's in family therapy suggests that she has some of her own relationship issues to work out if she's going around telling everyone your bf is a drug dealer.

 

On the other hand, it wasn't a great move on your boyfriend's part to make your sister's first impression of hiim, an immemorable one and negative. Glad you had a talk with him about it.

 

The best you can do is approach your sister and talk to her about this. I would just ask her face to face if she has some time to talk. Then tell her that you are really hurt about what she has been saying about your boyfriend and ask her why.

[CluelessGuy321]

Your sister has some kinda broomstick up her bum. Just ignore her.

 

If anyone asks you about negative things they hear about your boy from her, just correct them and tell them this story. Your boyfriend sounds funny.

[AwdreeHpburn]

This doesn't make sense, shes almost 30 and has a master's in marriage/family therapy. What should i do?

 

 

Hmmmmmm?? Sounds like a case of one of those situations where she has much more insight and prespective from the outside then from within.

 

Maybe you could come up with a really similar situation and go to her with it for advice.

 

Like, go to her and say that your boyfriend's brother (or cousin if she knows he doesn't have a brother) is talking smack about you and you don't know what to do because you don't want to ruin the relationship between them, but you also want it to stop.

 

And SHE, as the relationship expert surely has some advice....

 

I find this works for me and my sister when I make her feel respected. She's jealous of my relationship as well and has done similar sabotauging (sp) type things.

 

She seems to do better if she feels I appreciate and respect her.

 

And hopefully, she'll get the point.

[CHINOOKA]

Hm, maybe some good old fashioned communication might help. Take your sister out to lunch, or for a Latte, and then, gingerly, discuss the whole thing, and let her tell you how she feels. She is disturbed. That much is clear. Communication is so important and you dont need a degree in counseling to know that. We cannot change or fix people, but we can help create unity.

[WiteDove07]

I seem to be going through a similar situation. My BF is well loved by me and by the family, he's a great and wonderful man, successful, responsible. I'd say he's more than I have wished for. At first when my sister met him, she didn't like him and tried to set my parents against him, saying he was too old for me and that he just wanted to "get some" which obviously failed cus he has more character than that. So supposedly things cool down and I figure it's because it's natural for a big sister to be protective of the young sister and all that. So one day we have a sister to sister talk cus she's had a long line of troubled relationships of about 5-6 men (1 divorce) and thought she might get good advice from me even though I'm youngest. The best thing I could come up with were the things I'd apply in my relationship with my BF considering we're very happy together. She says she "envys how lucky I am" Now I find myself putting up with her flirtatious behavior on my BF, holding his hands unnecessarily, sexual sarcasm, and when I say I want to spend some time with him she keeps him for atleast a good hour or two to talk about herself and do a bit more flirting. I know my boyfriend VEEERRRY well, and I know he is too nice to just say "will you excuse us while your sister and I have a bit of time to ourselves?" But I also know my sister because she always fills me up on her tactics to "play the field" I am not appreciating the fact that she is using these on my boyfriend. I feel very hurt so I just leave them be and go somewhere to be alone and sometimes even cry. At one time, he came over to visit me and we had our day planned together, we ended up running errands for her all day, and not going out at all. Then when we drop her off at home, she jokes and says, how about carrying me up to my room. My BF realized I didn't like that, and apologized to me afterwards for putting me through this. My BF knows her history but for some reason he doesn't know how to put ppl in their place when they cross the line, neither does he give me my due priority when she's being an attention hog. I don't tell my BF how uncomfortable I am because I don't want him to think I envy my sister or am a jealous person. Neither do I resort to making my BF feel like crap to have my way, I am not manipulative. I am not a jealous person, I'm just feeling very hurt and betrayed right now. As far as envying my sister? No, I just don't think it's fair that she has messed around with men out there and hasn't even included my parents on this, and now that it's my turn to finally have happiness with the man I love, that she'd want to take that from me too. I know I sound evil defending him over her, but I have always abided by the rule of treating others how I'd like to be treated and I ALWAYS respect her territory precisely because I'm not out to catch the world of men, I want her to find that special someone and finally be happy and settle. I really don't know what to do because I am torn between my sister and my BF. I'd appreciate any advice from you guys, because I don't want this to go on for a long period of time. I think I should have a talk with her, but at the same time, I'm scared she might play with my feelings again. And have her realize that she has pushed my buttons... Sorry my post is too long but I have asked family and friends and they don't know what to say.

[baby_sis]

My family is Tongan. My sister, let's call her Sarah, is a highly intelligent woman that has achieved a M.A. She's also the eldest in our family, and in the Tongan culture the eldest girl really is the princess of the family, she's the Polynesian equivalent of a JAP; she's pampered, her opinion's are considered/respected by her parents, and she's praised in every way and for everything she does by everyone that knows the family. To be honest, all of this sits very well with me.

 

I'm the baby of my family and I've noticed that since I've matured and we've started going out more together I attract male attention. As I mentioned before, she's intelligent and is also still rather attractive and youthful for someone her age. However, I can't help but think that maybe she's suffering from the 'ex-beauty queen syndrome', 'eldest daughter must attract every man disorder', and one-up-manshipitis. She makes snide remarks after a guy at a club/cafe/on the street or wherever we are openly shows interest in me. Remarks like 'he only likes you because you're skinny', 'he's looking at you because you're young', and 'men will always look at a plain young girl before they look at a beautiful older woman' arent exactly comforting comments I want to hear from my big sister. If someone tells me that I should model, she tells me straight after about how five people in one day told her that she should model. Every time I have good news, she always has to make herself the subject of an even bigger, better story that relates to mine. She always expects me to sit around and listen to her and her male encounters for hours on end and whenever it's my turn to talk about my crushes she just switches off and doesn't look very happy. She also hints subtly that I only look the way I do because I wear make-up. Am I being too sensitive? Am I the sick one? I hope I'm not the one in the wrong, because I'm the one that feels extremely insecure and down after she puts me down. I've honestly lost confidence in myself in almost every way. If it wasn't for my God, then I would have committed suicide by now.

 

I can also recall as a child her being jealous of another older sister of mine, Sally. Sally's face is beautiful, she looks like an Egyptian queen, she's very petite, slender and well-endowed, whereas Sarah was once decent looking, is now heavily built, and flat-chested with a disproportionately huge bottom. When she was drunk and I was a child, she would say things to me like 'James [her boyfriend] doesn't think Sally's that great looking' (whilst smirking nastily), 'she has no hips, she's got a boy's body' and 'guys only like Sally for her body.' The things she says about me echo what she used to gossip to me about Sally. Sally even complained to me once that Sarah used to say those exact things to her and that Sarah made her feel ugly. I can even remember her saying 'I think I'm more attractive than Halle Berry, she's got no sex appeal.'

 

Someone please help me. I'm embaressed to say these things to anyone else incase they think I'm jealous of her, when I'm certainly not. I love her but I hate what I think she's doing to me. It gets me so down. Thank you for listening.

 

Thank you.

[baby_sis]

Another extremely unsettling thing about my sister is that she pays far too much attention to the boyfriends of my female family members. She told me that my other sister Yvonne's boyfriend watches me all the time when he comes to our house. At a Christmas party we had a few years ago, she also claimed that my cousin Helen's boyfriend (who she did find attractive) couldn't peel his eyes away from my other cousin Janet. Why is she looking so closely at these males to notice such creepy things? She also told my mum during an argument that my mum's partner was and still is a perve to her by staring at her when he visits our home. And now she's claiming that my sister Sally's ex-boyfriend stares at her everytime he sees her at the casino. She seems happy with this, because after saying she saw him she's all giddy and on a high and vogues infront of her mirror all night right throughout our chatting sessions, something she doesn't usually do, and especially not after losing money at the casino. Her presumptions may be true, but I think that some things are better left unsaid (at least until the boyfriend actually makes any advances, etc, otherwise it's mere speculation.), especially when family is involved. What kind of a sister do I have? I don't know how to deal with her.