Why is it that...?

[HeckaBekah]

Why is it that my ex who dumped me is happy in a relationship and I'm still single for 8 months?

 

I don't have feelings for him anymore, but at the same time deep down it kills me to know how hard I've tried and how it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I tried so hard with him, I tried to be there for him when he needed me and I also tried to motivate him to become a better person while still caring about who he really was...but look how far it has gotten me.

 

He is still with his girlfriend who he dated before he met me. She left him out of the blue and then after he broke it off with me she was suddenly in the picture and he starting dating her again. Now they're still together and I know God has someone else for me and I really do believe that, but it hurts so much knowing he chose someone else instead of me and I'm here having no luck with guys at all.

 

I've met a few guys after, but haven't maintained friendships with them. I've realized that there's no point in looking for someone when in most cases it will not work out like it hasn't with those guys. And I know one day I'll meet someone who will want to stick around and will really value a friendship with me, but it hurts so much, even after 8 months, just to know that he's happy without someone who tried so hard to make it work.

 

I wouldn't mind being single so much if I didn't feel all this pressure to feel "worthy" of being with someone. I know these are just feelings, and they will eventually pass. I'll start to feel better and realize once again that the answer is to be happy with myself. I'm really doing okay...it's just that I'm emotional right now and need to get this out of my system. What do you all think?

[nicorette]

i think you should try to go to counseling, or at least talk with a friend, as they know you much better than anyone here. single has so many benefits. you get to do all teh things you couldnt when you ewre in a relationship. sometimes i wish i was single, not that i dont love my boyfriend. who is making you feel pressured? if its your friends, they arent real friends, and you should let them know how it makes you feel.

[no_bad_news]

Why is it that my ex who dumped me is happy in a relationship and I'm still single for 8 months?

 

I don't have feelings for him anymore, but at the same time deep down it kills me to know how hard I've tried and how it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I tried so hard with him, I tried to be there for him when he needed me and I also tried to motivate him to become a better person while still caring about who he really was...but look how far it has gotten me.

 

 

 

I've met a few guys after, but haven't maintained friendships with them. I've realized that there's no point in looking for someone when in most cases it will not work out like it hasn't with those guys. And I know one day I'll meet someone who will want to stick around and will really value a friendship with me, but it hurts so much, even after 8 months, just to know that he's happy without someone who tried so hard to make it work.

 

QUOTE]

 

 

I feel your pain. I think there is probably a reason relating to issues of prior abandonment. Check it out online. I bet you might be surprised what that really means.....

Today I think I realized that this feeling I am living with is a GHOST..... ghosts exist..thet aren't spiritual aparitions,...but emotions...they keep you up at night worrying about stuff like this....like why is he happy and I can't find happiness....

 

I tried so hard to make it work too.... I think that is the hardest to let go..that emotion..the fact that you gave it your all and still that wasn't enough..

 

But congratulate yourself. You loved someone so deeply and even though it didn't work..you know you gave it YOUR all....

 

its time to get rid of the ghosts! For you and ME!

[fishrrshortae]

Maybe you shouldn't have to try to "mold" him into being his best, or to make it work .. It seems that you recognize he was not the one for you. Recognizing that is really important and will help you feel better. In the meantime, it might help to keep yourself busy, both to meet people and not dwell on the past.

[HeckaBekah]

Thank you so much for your comments!

 

Friends do not pressure me, I do it to myself and I know that is something I need to change. It is difficult to do so when I cannot even get to the stage of dating.

 

Also, it is true that you cannot always try to motivate someone, they need to be respected for who they are at the time! I always try to make people feel comfortable around me and care about who they are and even if someone thought I focused too much on changing then I would listen to them and try to refocus. All I want is for people to feel themselves around me!

 

What makes it more difficult being single is not getting a chance to date or even having a close friendship with someone from the opposite sex for that matter. Yes, I do have my standards but I think that having them is crucial! Also, it doesn't have to be serious dating...I have my separate life and enjoy my space. It's just hard for me to understand why guys don't choose to pursue a real friendship with me.

 

Many guys are very much physically attracted to me. However, I am not mysterious, a bad girl, party girl or a drama queen, but simple, sweet and a good girl. So why do I find it odd that I have not gone a real date in so long? The last date I went on was about a half a year ago and the guy didn't pick me up (we met half way).

 

Since I've been single these last 8 months I've learned not to make as much effort in the beginning with someone I'm interested in. That guy I went on my last date with didn't hang out with me much, however we talked on the phone fairly often for about 4 months, until I tried to get ahold of him a couple of times and never heard from him again.

 

I met someone else a little before the last guy stopped talking to me and I thought I was catching on to something since he shared the fact that he really liked me. He didn't make much effort to get to know me and my mistake was getting upset about it instead of just letting it go since it wasn't worth my time. Well I figured he just wanted to be friends since his actions showed that he wasn't as interested as he said he was, but then he got upset when he saw me dancing with other guys. I called him, but when I didn't hear from him I figured I'd just give him space. We didn't talk for awhile, but now we talk every so often. Obviously nothing happened with that one...hahaha.

 

Then there was another guy who I met recently. I didn't want to approach him because I was tired of trying, but his cousin introduced us. I told him I thought he was attractive and asked if he wanted my number. He programmed it in his phone. The reason why I was so honest with him was because so many people told me he was very shy and I wanted him to know I was interested. One girl who saw us talking was actually shocked that we were talking so apparently he must be pretty shy. Well his cousin said he would call me, but I figured he wouldn't just because I really didn't have any expectations (but I was still hoping just a little bit ). He didn't call me. He did add me to his friends list on My Space (lol!) and a few days after he added me I sent him a comment. I still haven't heard from him so I know for sure that nothing with happen with that one!

 

Then I have some guy friends, who really aren't my friends since I hang out with them once in awhile when there's a big social gathering. These guys are nice, but they really aren't gentleman and I am always open to hanging out and becoming better friends, however I've learned not to go out of my way for those who really don't try to get to know me better as an individual.

 

So there it is. I guess the pressure to feel "worthy" enough to be in a relationship comes a lot from the fact that I don't actually have chances to date and it doesn't help knowing that my ex is still with his g/f.

 

I'm starting to realize more and more that the type of guy I'm looking for is rare and would most likely not be in the environments I tend to be in. I really don't know how to go about it (don't really have a strategy). I go to a church where there's hardly any young people, there are two people (including me!)who work at my office, and sorority is pretty much my social life. I do volunteer but I usually work with high school students and senior citizens.

 

Sorry this is so long...I feel so much better getting it off of my chest! Please if you have any thoughts or suggestions please share! I'm realizing more and more how difficult it is to find an old fashioned gentleman with morals and values; a man who knows how to date a girl and treat her right!

[Kevin T]

What do I think? You sound upset and need some more time to heal.

 

I used to think the same: "My ex found someone right away, why not me, etc, etc, etc?" Well, I had to let go of the fact that I am alone and she is not and move on. Heck, my last date was like over 2 years ago, so a few months is no big deal.

 

One piece of advice: DON'T look for love and romance at church! For the love of God, don't! I'm serious. I have attended a church for over 3 years and there are a number of girls around my age (give or take a little) and not once did anything ever come from those girls! So, when it comes to church, I'd say look elsewhere. I don't think God intends for His kids to be meeting at churches (which baffled me for a while, but I've gotten used to His ideas.)

 

You want encouragement? All right. It is definitely true that old fashioned morally upright guys ARE hard to come by (as are the woman that countersuit them), HOWEVER! They are not impossible to find. I, myself, am living proof of such an anomally.

 

Maybe you need to take a step back, let God do His thing, and direct someone into your life. Instead of naturally assuming your mate must be "such and such" down to a tee on a list, maybe you need to allow God to bring someone to you - when His time is right - who is not necessarily from church at all?

 

That's what I have done. I haven't given up on what I want either; just learned to be a little more flexible with what I want. Sure, there are things I will not compromise on, but in the end, I learned she doesn't HAVE to be 5'4" and have blue eyes lol (just an example).

 

You sound like a decent person, which gives me hope as well, that there are actually a few decent girls out there. Decent guys do exist, we're just usually taken! lol (I suppose the same could apply to girls, too.)

 

Nevertheless, stop being so impatient (heh, perhaps I should take my own advice) and let God deal with you when He is ready. I'm serious.