Relationship Question...

[OCD]

Hi all, not sure if this question is for this forum, but perhaps you all can give me some advice. I've recently started dating this girl who was a long time friend. We been talking for the last two months. She's actually getting a divorce and says that she wants to be with me. I'm very skeptical after getting my heart broken from a woman that was recently divorced...some of you know my story. We've talked about her needing time alone etc...just like my ex, but she assures me that she wants to be with me and just needs to end this current relationship, you see they still live together, but there really isn't any feelings there, they don't sleep together, etc...plus it's a long distance relationship between us and she wants to move to my city to be with me...we've talked on the phone every day, get along quite well.

So this brings me to my question....Is this a disaster waiting to happen? Should I tell her to just be friends until things between her and the other guy are completley over and out? How do I tell her that I'm in a holding partern till she ends it for good and not ruin it?

She's mentioned having guilty feelings about us getting together, which we haven't yet, just sort of dating, etc. So I mentioned to her that perhaps we should be good friends in the mean time and her feelings got hurt. I'm not sure how to handle this one, but I do care for her and am falling for her. How do I go about treating this carfully?? Thanks.

 

OCD

[Jorus Cbaoth]

I don't understand. Why would she want to get out of something like a marriage, only to get right back into a relationship? You may talk well on the phone, but can you live together? I would atleast give her a few weeks to decide. And definitely don't pursue anything until the divorce is final and she is moved out.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I 2nd what Jorus said. I guess I'd be careful with this one. She may just be glad to meet someone else but find that she likes her freedom more.

 

Just be cautious, careful and don't have expectations.

[rnorth]

While initially this may not be the appropriate forum for this post, I think many of the same principles being discussed here apply.

 

Take care of and love yourself. Don't push her. In fact you may want to pull away and limit your contact (or at least the type of contact you have) with her.

 

Don't be so available. And most of all, DON'T BE NEEDY.... cultivate your individual interests for now. She is probably all over the place with her emotions....

 

Good luck!

[OCD]

Thanks all for the replies. That was my gut feeling to not put too much into it until things have settled down. Yes, I'm treading lightly at this pointe. I care about her and we're getting togther in a couple of weeks for dinner and hanging out, nothing serious. Thank you.

 

OCD

[chai714]

So this brings me to my question....Is this a disaster waiting to happen? Should I tell her to just be friends until things between her and the other guy are completley over and out? How do I tell her that I'm in a holding partern till she ends it for good and not ruin it?

 

It sounds likely that it could be a disaster. No guarantees it will be, but in my opinion it's a high risk situation.

 

I am not sure I would necessarily wait. I'd like to see her prove to herself and to me that she can be happy by herself and not always have to have a guy. She's jumping from him to you (almost literally), which does not sit well with me.

 

You can't set conditions this early. Or I mean you should not. I can see that you want to tell her, "if you don't do this, I won't do that" or "if you do this, I'll do that." I'm all for psychological tactics, but this is not being done out of love. If you want to "keep her there" then continue talking every once in a while and even meeting up, but I'd distance myself and let more time elapse. Good luck with this one.

[redandblack]

Sounds like an easy transition for her -- until emotions come crashing down on her. You've seen the worst case in your past so you know what this could lead to. Be careful!

[vesper]

OCD, I don't understand how you could already be dating ?? Do you sleep together?? How often do you see her?

[OCD]

OCD, I don't understand how you could already be dating ?? Do you sleep together?? How often do you see her?

 

Thanks all for the good advice, yes I'm keeping a distance, but to answer this question, this is a friend of mine that recently re-entered my life. We used to date back in school and lost track of each other for a few years. Now all of a sudden she's back in my life, after I got dummped from my ex...so the timing is amazing here....we have not slept together, it's a long distance relationship at this pointe, but we do hang out, do dinner and we're getting together in a couple weeks too.