I have never been so incredibly angry or hurt in all of my life.

[DCMann2]

If you've read my other thread "Is there hope for us?" you'll know how I feel about my ex. However, I just found out today that she's with the other guy she's been mentioning, and I'm absolutely destroyed once again. She broke up with me on May 9th, and here it is May 29th, a mere 20 days later, and she's with someone else. I still love her so much it hurts, but I think I'm going to sever contact. What's the best way to do it? Should I just ignore her when she tries to contact me, or should I actually tell her that I no longer wish to speak with her? I'm absolutely furious, and I don't want to do anything stupid.

[dopexile]

What's up buddy... I remember ya from last night... You definitely need to move on... There's no reason to contact her anymore and if you can I would just block her phone number and reject her emails... there's no reason to spell things out for her.

[teacup]

when she tries to contact you, just be straight with her and tell her u dont want to talk to her. the truth hurts less in the short term in the longterm.

 

i wish the guys that wouldnt talk to me would just tell me straight out and be straight about it. seriously.

[anonymous_presence]

Right now, above anything else, you need time to work things out with yourself. It's hard, and I'm sorry for the way things turned out and how they came about so unexpectedly. You have to realize though that a break up is a break up, and even though she sent you all those mixed signals, sometimes acting nice, sometimes acting distant, there was no verbal commitment made.

 

You had expectations, but people change, and it hurts, of course. But people don't change because of what other people do necessarily - people just grow independently, especially in long distance relationships, and so it's hard to work things out in the long run. You kind of felt it all along, what with the other guy in the picture, that something like this could happen; it's not a result of anything that you did or didn't do, it's just what happened and there's no sense in trying to rationalize it or begin wondering "What if...?"

 

Sever contact if you need time for yourself right now. But really, in the long run, what are you motivations for cutting off contact completely? I think you need to be away from her until you've reconciled the fact that you two cannot be a couple, until you no longer hope that you'll somehow get back together. Don't do it because you think she'll suddenly miss you again and come running back - it may have worked for your friend, but how likely is lightning to strike twice? And don't do it out of spite - if there was no commitment to begin with, then there was no violation of it. If you're going to do it out of rage and resentment, you're just going to feel worse, and these things have a funny way of consuming you. Going outside to get fresh air is completely different than going outside because you're angry at the person indoors - you're effectively locking yourself out. Just try to accept the events that have happened and hold your memories in a positive light.

 

I agree with teacup that you should tell her. I wouldn't divulge all the reasons as to why if I were you, but the amount you tell her to explain why is up to you. After all you've been through together, she deserves to be notified of the fact that you need to be alone. Also, the long term future is up to you to decide. But as for now, take some time to reflect, don't let yourself drown in anger, and realize that you did nothing wrong.

[DCMann2]

I know what I should, and must do, and it's going to be the most difficult thing I ever have to do. I'm going to write her an email telling her I need time for myself. If I decide to reestablish contact again in the coming months, fine. If not, that's fine too. I'm not angry that she got together with this guy. I'm angry that she got together with him so soon. He's almost the EXACT opposite of me: he's bisexual, he smokes, he drinks, and I wonder how well he's going to treat the woman I love so much. Jessica is none of the above, and she deserves MUCH better than this clown, but it's her life, and that's that.

[DCMann2]

Well, I did it. I sent two emails telling her that I need time to myself. The first email had a little more in terms of content, since the second one was just something I wrote to clarify a few things about no contact. I told her that if and when she decides to contact me, it's to be friendly, as I won't accept anything less, and that it's important for her to know that I don't hate her, or that I'm not angry with her. Wish me luck...I'm going to need it.

[dopexile]

You don't need luck.. it's not a factor.. you either have self control and do what you need to do or you give into urges. This isn't about hating her or getting back at her... it's about doing something mentally healthy for yourself. The longer she is in your life the more pain you will suffer and the longer it will take to heal.

[DCMann2]

You don't need luck.. it's not a factor.. you either have self control and do what you need to do or you give into urges. This isn't about hating her or getting back at her... it's about doing something mentally healthy for yourself. The longer she is in your life the more pain you will suffer and the longer it will take to heal.

I WANT her in my life, though. I love her more than anything in the world, and I want her back more than anything in the world. My love for this girl is so strong that it's making me physically sick to be without her. I've been having stomach issues and dizzy spells recently, which is another good reason to sever contact. I really need this time to myself, and I'm willing to wait for her to figure out what she really wants. In the meantime, I need to heal.

[LostInTranslation]

DCMann,

 

You made the right choice in deciding to take time away from your ex to heal. That is the best thing for you to do right now.

 

Sending the emails was fine, but the pressure is now on you to stick to your plan of No Contact. If you now go back on your words, it will make things more difficult and she will also lose respect for you.

 

You will feel tempted in the near future to make contact to clarify things or just to say hello ... but it will help you to stay away. You two both need time to clear your minds and decide what's best. If you are constantly speaking with her, she will only feel justified in her actions. I always say ... our ex's know what life is like with us, now let them see what life is like without us. If she is with someone out of character, it shouldn't take long in seeing the mistake she is making. If not, you are better off without her.

 

I know how hurt you feel right now ... but you must remain strong. Be with friends and family ... it helps. Try working out and running to get your mind off things. Everything seems easier said than done, but only time will heal your pain.

 

Be strong. Best of luck.

[anonymous_presence]

Given that she hasn't given you much information about this guy and about her interests in him, it wouldn't be fair to fill in the blanks and draw hasty conclusions. If you're thinking that he's a replacement for you, that's completely far from the truth! Even though 20 days is a relatively short period of time, be honest with yourself: would you be any less upset if she had waited 30 days? Two months? The time period doesn't really matter, it hurts all the same, but more importantly, the time that lapsed is NOT a measure of the quality of your past relationship nor of your character. It doesn't mean that her feelings were any less real or any less deep - it doesn't mean anything at all. It just means that you're no longer in the dark and able to move on yourself.

 

Also, that she's with someone completely different means just as much - nothing. It's sweet that you care for her and want the best for her, but you're not one to decide who she dates, who's good enough for her, etc. Also beware of falling into the mentality that because this guy doesn't live up to your expectations that you'll be able to rescue her in some way from him (not to say that you think this, but if you do). It's hard to let go, so sometimes we make it easier for ourselves by building in these little traps, little plan B's to recover our losses and try to regain a sense of control (much easier to accept a break up when you're subconsciously plotting to get her back). To truly let go of something we love is made even worse by the implication that we are completely rescinding control. The truth is that you are gaining back control, returning to independence, which can be a liberating feeling in the long run.

 

I say all this because of what you said: "I really need this time to myself, and I'm willing to wait for her to figure out what she really wants." There is no waiting for what she really wants. You understandably want her in your life, but you can't depend on the elusive hope that she'll come back to you. It's best if you just accept the situation and focus on yourself, focus on becoming less passive and all those things that you wanted to do. Read a book, fly a kite, try speed dating, whatever works for you. Just accept the fact that the romantic relationship is over. Make it easier for yourself by not wondering about the future - focus on today and take things step by step, one moment at a time.

 

Good luck!

[DCMann2]

I already wrote her one last email tonight saying that I don't want everything to end, which she thinks is what I meant when I sent the first two emails last night. I won't be writing again until I'm fully healed and ready to move on with my life, and by that time, I'll come off as much more confident. I'm already working on being less passive, and it seems to be working in my favor, which is making me feel better about myself. I've pretty much let go of her for now, and I will no longer be checking her myspace to see what she's up to or any of that nonsense. I'm not going to erase her fully from my life, because I want her back so badly, but I just think that this time apart is the best thing right now.

[DCMann2]

Update: she responded to my final email saying that she won't contact me until I contact her, which is EXACTLY what I wanted. Things are already starting to look up a little.

[Psylocke960]

"I've pretty much let go of her for now"

 

And continue to let her go. As you mentioned, keep giving yourself this time to heal. This is the only thing that has been helping me especially when committing to NC. Maybe one day you guys will become good friends but for now, just focus on what you need to do for YOU! Good luck!

[joyce1412]

so you got it allllll out in your emails. now, just let go. i know that because she's done something so hurtful you want to lash out, and i'm sure there are going to be days when you feel anger about other, different things, in addition to the anger you already feel. but let that email be the last thing you say about it. don't get mired in hatred...i've been there and it sucks. hard. be a civil person, and a shining example of how to handle a betrayal with grace...people will really respect you for it, and you'll respect yourself.

[jchan]

It's all true man, don't wait, don't chase just replace. If she manages to date another guy immediately post break up chances are you're better off doing NC. why? you focus on yourself. You don't honestly need to know what goes on in her life now, because all the tidbits of information only conjures up more unwanted thoughts in your head. (first hand experience, the ex, leaves me for someone else, and they have been doing the on/off dating thing, they're not in a relationship, but they've already had sex, and i don't even want to know what they did before she broke up with me). Move on, let go. You don't need extra baggage from her.