Am I reading this wrong

[dizzylizzy]

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. During this time he was still married but separated from his wife of 25 years and up until we met they were still living under the same roof but in separate bedrooms. Sexually he has never had any difficulties in fact his stamina etc is amazing for his age; however there have been three occasions when he was not able to function. The first time was when he took me into the house that they lived in together and introduced me to his soon to be exwife, that night it wasn't happening and couldn't explain why, the second time I can't remember the circumstances but there were dealings once again with the soon to be exwife the third time happened after attending a wedding of a friend of his. The whole night he was very attentive and it was very known between the two of us that it would be happenig that night but offortunately he was not able to function. My thoughts of the first and second incident are that he felt guilty and that he was betraying his soon to be exwife. The third time, with the divorce becoming final a couple of months ago I think the wedding brought back memories of his 25 year marriage and some possible regrets over the divorce etc. Not sure what else to think because this is not the norm for him and is so out of character. He can function (and not just once but 2 - 3 times) on many hours of sleep deprivation and alcohol has never been a problem plus he didn't have much to drink. I was somewhat disappointed because we have hopes of getting married and I thought the wedding would have had us looking to the future and instead I feel like it has brought up maybe some unresolved feeling towards his ex and maybe some regrets. If this was something that happened occasionaly I would not be concerned but of the circumstance surronding the three times that it has happened I can't help but wonder if he still has strong feelings for his ex. I love him and don't want to lose him but if his heart is still with his ex then that is where he should be. I just don't want to continue in relationship that has no hopes of a future. I welcome any thoughts out there.

[chigal28]

That's a really tough situation, because I can see how those three scenarios would start to add up in your mind, but in my honest opinion, the only thing you can really do that would be productive would be to just sit down and talk to him about it, in a non-confrontational way.

 

Just tell him what you've noticed, don't accuse him of still having feelings for his ex, just maybe ask him if he thinks that lingering feelings might have something to do with what's going on. Then if that's the case, ask him if he thinks it will continue to be a problem, or if it's something that he thinks will be OK with time.

 

This situation *could* have something to do with his ex, but maybe not in the way you think. I'm hypothesizing, obviously, but it could be the stress of the divorce, it could be lingering guilt, etc. These are things that, if he's willing and recognizes them, could be worked on. That's why you need to be very open and honest about your concerns, so he knows what's going on in your head and you know what's going on in his. Then you can figure out what to do. Good luck!!

[Scotcha]

I don't think you are reading this "wrong" but you may be reading too much into it.

 

When my boyfriend and I first started dating we were both separated from our spouses and since my divorce has been finalized and his will be within the next couple months. Though this was before we met there was a time when my boyfriend and his wife were separated but still living under the same roof and I can understand that due to financial stresses and other various reasons.

 

I believe that it is a positive thing that he introduced you to his soon to be ex-wife. To me that would indicate that there weren't any "secrets" and she was comfortable with the situation meaning that the relationship was truly over.

 

I also understand why he was unable to function! I have no feelings for my ex-husband what so ever but if the situation were to ever arise that we were all under the same roof I doubt I would really be in the mood either. It would just be an awkward situation and kind of a mood killer. Actually, my boyfriend now lives with an ex of mine from years back.. No feelings on either side but still I don't feel like doing anything if he's home.

 

I don't blame him either if he has any feelings of regret. Though I am very glad I got out of my marriage I still regret that things turned out the way that they did. Remember, I don't know anyone that gets married hopeing for divorce. But that does not mean in anyway that he feels less of you or isn't over her and their marriage. If I could've seen the relationship I would have with my boyfriend I never would've married my ex. Regret just goes hand and hand with divorce and I believe that is a positive trait. Having respect for the vows he made and will make again someday to you if all goes well is vitally important.

 

If you are unsure of your boyfriends feelings toward you and the direction in which you are heading I believe that two years is a long enough time for you to be able to ask. You have the right to know if the relationship is worth investing any more of your time in.

[dizzylizzy]

A little over a year ago I was eavesdropping on a conversation he was having in chat room and he was bragging about all these cars he had etc and how his wife was going to get everything in the divorce etc. the guy responded with "what are you stupid" and he replied with "I think I'm not fighting her in the divorce because I think I still "LOVE" her". I flipped and confronted him with it and he said that he didn't mean anything by it and that he just wanted the people online to see that he had a heart. I had seen other conversations of his in this same chat room and he is not well liked and is continously cussed up and down. When we first moved in together I continually found framed picutres of the ex in all of his office drawers (he works out of the home). We have since moved past that and the divorce is final but it has put that doubt in my head and these situations only help to support my doubts. I have tried to talk to him about it but all he says is No that it has nothing to do with her and he doesn't know why it is happening. I don't think my thoughts and feelings are abnormal or uncalled for do you?

[dizzylizzy]

I believe that it is a positive thing that he introduced you to his soon to be ex-wife. To me that would indicate that there weren't any "secrets" and she was comfortable with the situation meaning that the relationship was truly over.

 

She didn't want to meet me. The only reason we met was because every time he went down there to pickup or drop off an adult child or to pick something up I was told I had to wait out in the car. I finally insisted on going in if he was going in and going through rooms etc especially since he was still paying the housepayment so finally he took me in and she wasn't expecting to see me and wasn't happy about it either. We never were together under the roof they shared. When I met her we had been living together for about a year and when we got home to our place he wasn't able to function.

 

How do I post so that I can put your quote in my reply and distinguish between your quotes and my quotes

[Scotcha]

Not abnormal or uncalled for at all.

 

I too would be upset by photos, framed photos and upset by internet confessions of his love for someone else. This is something different than just being unable to function or feelings of regret.

 

For a long time my boyfriend wasn't over his ex-wife even though they had been separated for a year or so before we started dating. At first I didn't know but after a few months it was pretty apparent. It hurt and it hurt a lot as I already loved him.

 

I talked to him about it and he was honest. He told me how he felt about her, how he felt about me, and how he wanted to feel only that he needed more time.

 

For me it was very important that he was upfront with me. I made a decision to wait for his heart and it's one I don't regret.

 

If it is more than insecurity (and I think now that it is) and you feel it in your gut you are more than likely correct. Try talking to him in a non-confrontational way, letting him know that it is okay (for now!) to feel the way that he does but that it is something that he has to be willing to work on so that he can move on. Unless that is, you don't want to wait. It's a decision that you will have to make, to accept it for the time being or not to.

 

Either way, it is so important that he is honest with you. He is probably afraid that the truth will hurt your feelings and doesn't want to do that. You alrealdy know though and communication is necessary.

 

BUT: If these incidences happened a little over a year ago a lot could have changed in that time. His feelings then may no longer apply. Trust your gut on this one.

[Scotcha]

She didn't want to meet me. The only reason we met was because every time he went down there to pickup or drop off an adult child or to pick something up I was told I had to wait out in the car. I finally insisted on going in if he was going in and going through rooms etc especially since he was still paying the housepayment so finally he took me in and she wasn't expecting to see me and wasn't happy about it either. We never were together under the roof they shared. When I met her we had been living together for about a year and when we got home to our place he wasn't able to function.

 

Ooooh, I see. Well, he may have been stressed out as it sounds like a very tense situation. Unless everyone was on friendly terms how would you feel about at ex of yours bringing their current SO into your house? Just some food for thought on that one.

[dizzylizzy]

The wedding incident just happened a week ago. What makes it more difficult is I have tried talking to him and he tells me that I am wrong. I don't think he is being honest with himself. When we first got together I wanted him to live on his own for a year and we would date. I wanted this so he would have time to grieve and become his own again, which was highly recommended by my family counselor but he insisted on living together and I moved forward with that because I wanted to give the relationship a chance. I have caught him breaking a promise to me and lying to me about where he has been so this has only added to the already existing trust issues. His ex still loves him and wants him back, at least this is what he has told me and I have told him that if they both still love each other than together is where they belong but he still says no. I had to fight get the divorce finalized because they both dragged their feet. Two years and he still has belongings at their former home and at his ex inlaws. I just can't help but feel that they both are hanging on. Until a month ago he still had a key to let himself into what was their home.

[dizzylizzy]

Ooooh, I see. Well, he may have been stressed out as it sounds like a very tense situation. Unless everyone was on friendly terms how would you feel about at ex of yours bringing their current SO into your house? Just some food for thought on that one.

 

He has been present at every dealing or meeting that I have had with my ex. My ex has been in our home, due to certain situations we have all sat down to dinner together and my ex calls my home. His ex only calls his office phone (he works in the home) and she only calls Monday - Friday from 8 to 5, when I am not around. I know nothing of any of there dealings because it is always done when I am not around. I feel like our living together is ignored. It has recently gotten better as one of the children has had some medical issue so she has had to see me at the hospital and has allowed me to come into her home when he has visited the daughter.

[Scotcha]

So what are you going to do? Either you accept that he is not over his ex in hopes that he will be someday or you do not. You've already invested two years with this man. Are you willing to wait for him any longer? How much longer?

 

You cannot make the feelings he has for his ex dissappear, only he can come to terms with them.

[dizzylizzy]

I'm not sure what I want to do. I have been divorced for 12 years and have spent most of that time focusing on raising my two boys and now that they are pretty much on their way I want a good, solid, relationship. I don't want to settle for less than I deserve and I don't want to have to continually ask for respect and consideration when it comes to his relationship with his ex. It just seems like I have had to fight to be first in every asepct of his life and whan that to be given to me freely. But after two years my heart is very attached and I don't look forward to starting all over again. I don't fall for anybody and I don't get over my relationships very easily. I know how difficult it is to find that person that you connect with on so many levels i.e. conversation, sense of humor, spiritually, sexually, athletically. There is so much that we enjoy doing together but I can't help but feel that he is never going to be able to break the connection with his ex. I want to be number one for once. It just seems ridiculous that after he and I being together for two years that thoughts of his ex should be interfering with our sex lives. How long do you wait for someone to get over their ex? I'm not getting any younger. I want to move forward and build a strong healthy relationship and in the past two years we haven't grown at all as a couple. Unfortunately our struggles go beyond just his ex, the step kids aren't accepting, and then there are broken promises and lies so the trust isn't there. Very frustrating because he has so many great qualities and we connect on so many levels but on the other hand we have so many issues. If anything I feel like we have gone backwards.