Problem with BF when he gets drunk

[babypink61]

Hi everyone,

 

Not sure if anyone can relate, but I've been bothered with this issue for a while now. And I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting or anything, so I thought maybe some of you can give me some opinions on this. My bf and I are both 25 and we go out with friends on weekend nights maybe once every one or two weeks. I'm not sure if it's because we don't go out that much anymore, that he feels like he has to drink til the point where he gets really intoxicated in order to have a good time with friends. It's like, when he gets drunk he totally turns into a different person. He gets really loud and rowdy and obnoxious and I really don't like that. I mean, we are not in college anymore, so I figured he would tone it down a bit. He doesn't get violent with me or anything, most of the time he's pretty affectionate, but there are times where he would make stupid remarks and we would end up having a fight over it. And he has this problem with not remember anything from the night before so there's really no point for me to talk over the issue with him the next day when he can't remember anything he has said to me. Just one example, the other night we went out with a bunch of his friends and we had pre-gamed at his place before we headed out. He was already pretty drunk by the time we got to the bar. I didn't want him to get sick and throw up so I nicely told him that he shouldn't drink anymore. But he just ignored me. Later on that night he grabbed my beer out of my hand and started chugging it. I told him to stop and just ignored me and ran off. Then he ignored me for the rest of the night and would not talk to me, even his friend noticed and asked me if everything was ok. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not against him having a couple of drinks and enjoy his time with his friends, but does he ALWAYS have to get that drunk? I dunno, do I have a reason to be worried? I've discussed this issue with him several times and he would say to me, next time please do not let me drink that much . . . and I've tried and he just ends up ignoring me and accuse me of not letting him have a good time. I just don't know what to do anymore . . .

[chigal28]

Babypink,

I completely relate, and I also understand your frustration....because I was on the opposite side of the story you're telling. During college, and unfortunately for years afterwards, I would get pretty darn drunk when I would go out with friends. I ended up saying hurtful things to some people, including one of my best friends and my bf of four years at the time, things that I couldn't believe I'd said when they told me about them the next day. One of my best friends from college eventually decided she couldn't handle it anymore, and so now while we're civil at parties, we're not close at all. It's sad.

 

I guess what I'd tell you is that his getting rip-roaring drunk every time you go out is obviously concerning you, rightly so, and this is probably something you need to sit down and talk about in a non-confrontational way. I can tell you from being on the other side of things that telling him he shouldn't drink anymore AFTER he is already good and buzzed and his judgement is impaired is not going to do any good, and will probably only make him defensive and more intent on drinking at that time. What I would do is pick a time where alcohol isn't present, and not the day after an incident--maybe in the middle of the week--to just sit down and tell him why you're concerned.

 

That said, I will warn you that HE has to see it as a problem and want to change in order for him to change his behavior. People told me many many times over the course of years stupid things I had said, or how they "liked me much better sober," that I was a wonderful person when I didn't drink and then turned into someone completely different when I did....and while I would truly hear them and truly try to change, it would only be temporary and I would revert back to the old ways. I had to get to a point, which honestly was only a few months ago, where I just absolutely, flat-out did NOT want to be that person anymore. I got into counseling to figure out WHY I was doing the things I was doing, I told people to "call me on my crap," and while I've slipped up once or twice, generally I've become a lot more conscientious. It was my firm decision to change, and unfortunately the two of you might go through some frustration, because even if he decides he wants to change for you, ultimately it will have to be for him. Does that make sense?

 

I hope this helps you....I pondered sending it as a private message because I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I struggle with drinking, but I want to be open and honest and if it helps anyone else, that's great. My advice to you is be supportive, but don't look the other way. The guy I've been dating for about five months has really helped me cope with things--if I screw up, he's not shy about telling me, but he's never mean about it and he always phrases it in such a way that he views the problem as something that WE will get through together. I think that's key.

[boxinggirl89]

hey..

 

i totally agree with you on this both of you except this used to happen to my Dad before he died from alcoholic poisoning at the age of 46.. he used to say some nasty things to my mum and it really upset me and and ovbiosly her but he didnt know he said it coz usually he is a really nice person but its the drink that does this to people.

He used to get angry with us all the time for the least expacted thing.. yeah i no i am not mad with my dad but i was at the time.. as i love my dad and i know he had a drink problem.. this mite be totally different to ur bf but it just reminded me of what my dad was like!

 

what i think you should do is take chigal28's idea and really talk to your boyfriend about this and let him know what hes doing and how chilish it can be for the both of you when your out if you get what i mean!

 

i hope everything works out for you.. good luck! *hugs* luv frankee x x

[kellbell]

Hi babypink!

 

I read your post from March 5th, is this same guy you broke up with?

 

Ok, I dated a guy with an alcohol problem and it was not good. Your BF falls under the catagory of abusing booze. It is up to him whether he wants to get help but since he keeps calling you a kill-joy...I doubt he thinks he has a problem.

 

Now, it is time for you to look out for your best interests at this point. Is it in your best interest to stay with a guy whom has a drinking problem, calls you names, embarresses you in public, and is flat out disrespectful? There is nothing wrong with you looking out for yourself. I would truly reconsider this relationship. Nothing ever good comes out of a relationship such as this. You staying and "nagging" him is NOT make him come around or change him, only HE can do that.

 

Take care.

 

(((hugs)))

[babypink61]

chigal28 and boxinggirl89 - Thanks for sharing your experiences with me! i've found them to be real helpful! I just feel relieved that you guys can understand how I feel and are supportive of me, thanks again

 

kellbell - Yes it is the same guys that i broke up with but we've made up since then. He's still having some difficulty getting over the whole issue I posted about and when he gets drunk he has said some pretty hurtful things to me regarding that topic. And that's another reason why I get bothered with the drinking situation . . . .

[akazie]

Your boyfriend sounds just like my husband, he gets drunk everytime he drinks I don't say anything because it's not going to change but I was thinking that maybe you could video type your boyfriend while he is drunk and show him it when he is sober, it might make him realise what he is really like.

[Momene]

I would be more worried if he was consuming alcohol on a daily basis, which he isn't. It seems allied to social situations. Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable without a few drinks. Either he has to talk to you or get professional help; otherwise show him the door.