Im not sure what I need to do.

[pablovblack]

Ok here goes, Ive been with a girl for 5 years 3 months, she is now 20 and Im 23, Im not going to lie here but I didnt really treat her so well the time we was together, I took her for granted and always thought that she would be there when I needed her and she always was. Now dont get me wrong we love each other and we shared some very loving intimate beautiful moments, but my downfall was my inability to say I wanted to commit and also that I used to put her second to my friends If I was wanting to go out etc. In fact Im surprised she put up with me so long.

 

What happened was me and a friend stayed over at a girls house, now before you think it no I didnt sleep with her but I never came home I fell asleep on the couch, all the while my girlfriend was asleep at my house wondering where I was, she was very upset, then a week later this girl who's house I stayed over at started to text me, shes a friend, but It didnt look good and before I knew it my grlfriend had had enough, she walked out of my life and that was that. Now I thought I would be able to handle her leaving me and that I could just get on with it, but I cant I feel like i've let her down and I feel now like I can offer her so much as I can now truly see where I went wrong.

 

I know it might not be a good idead but Ive tried letters, writing songs, making her a treasure hunt, everything, but she has had enough of my s*** for so long and does not want to feel like that anymore...

 

My question then? I really want her back I know I can make her happier than anything now I can truly see what a complete idiot I was, but she isnt willing to let me try, what must I do, perform the fabled NC routine or what? I really dont know what to do its been 5 weeks since we split and two weeks ago she told me she loved me on the phone and seemed interested in making it work, Then she got cold and just stopped after a text message which said "I know its hard, Please Leave me alone" this was a few days after the call.

 

She has some very persuasive friends aswell and I cant help but feel there telling her to do the NC thing and wash herself from my life. It the toughest thing I've ever experienced, Ive never felt so low, I have so much to give but Ive messed it up now, I hope theres something I can do.

 

Should I have not contacted her? Its hard when all you want to do is make them see that you have changed.

 

Oh and she lives 5 minutes away (walking)and works accross the road, its so hard....

[melrich]

If she's asking you to leave her alone then really if you respect her that is what you need to do. Nothing that you do or say right now is going to change her mind.

 

You need to give her space and respect her wishes. If she changes her mind in the future then you can see what can be done about re-building your relationship but you should not be counting on it. Use this time to move on with your life and work on all those things you did wrong in your relationship.

[HardShowingAffection]

I agree.... give her the space that she desires. I am sure she will be thinking about you, and the things that you had together. The things that you did together. If that was important to her, and she focuses on the positive things that you two created together, who knows, maybe she will be back.

 

As for you. Once someone who plays such an important part of your life leaves, you definitely go through all of the emotions. You may want to pleed, beg, do anything to get your ex back.... but how have your REALLY changed? Have you really sat back and looked at your actions? How you contributed to the relationship? How you helped bring it to the point that is was in when she left?

 

You said you took her for granted... not good. You said you put her second... not good. After the fact, you said you tried letters, songs, a treasure hunt... why didn't you do these things when you two were together? She needs to be assured that you care about her and know what she means to you.

 

I encourage you to really look into yourself and see what you did, and why? If you truly love this person, and want to be with them, then your priorities and actions towards her need to change. You need to look at things a different way. It might be easy for you to think that your actions weren't damaging, but I can assure you they were. You need to look at things from her perspective. Understand her needs, work together as a team, not just in your general interests.

 

It wasn't until my ex left me that I really sat down and looked at me. I did a ton of research and self exploration, and realized how little I knew about myself and why I did the things that I did. It has changed my life. I wish I did it while we were still together, because we still would be together. However, her leaving is what it took to get me to open my eyes and see these things. Read up man.... and do alot of it. You will see quite a bit, trust me, and even if you don't get back with your ex, it will definitely provide a stronger foundation for your next relationship!

[pablovblack]

Thanks HardShowingAffection

Yes I really can see now where I was going wrong, and I know that Ive changed, sincerely. Your words ring bells in my situation, that you only learn after the relationship.

[HardShowingAffection]

When things got rocky between us, I would make sure I got her a nice card... brought home some roses... make sure that she knew where I was coming from. I think that she almost resented this at times, as she felt I only did this when things were bad.

 

One time, she was even ticked at me, she was going to come get her stuff out of my house. It was the night of the Super Bowl, and I was supposed to be gone. I had been talking to her friend about what I could do show how much I loved her. We talked through a few ideas, and I decided I was going to skip watching the Super Bowl, and do something romantic for her. I bought a few dozen roses... had a trail of rose petals leading from the front door to the bedroom, and then the bed was covered with rose petals. The house was candlelit and a rose sat on a pillow by the front door. A bottle of champagne... the whole nine yards.

 

I had all the lights off, but when she came she came with her mother! She opened the door and started to cry. She felt horrible about the way she reacted, because the night did not turn out how I wanted it to. She ended up leaving with most of her stuff that night, and something that I had wanted and envisioned so long was abandoned. Why? Because I didn't show those actions and desires when I should have. I took things for granted at times. Why didn't I do that when things were great between us? I don't know, but the bottom line is that I didn't, and when I did, it was too late.

 

Granted, we ended up working through those issues, but the important thing here is that you have to show your girl what she means to you! She needs that stuff! The little romantic, sweet, nice things that just show you care! I know you probably feel them in your heart, think them, want them... the bottom line is that you have to act on them!

 

Don't be ashamed or wonder what other people will think.. suck up your pride and do it for the one you love! If you two end up getting back together... put a process in place to make your relationship the best it can be! You have to work at it, manage it! If you have the time, pick up one of these books and read it:

 

"Relationship Rescue" by Phillip McGraw

"Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix

 

These two books have changed my life. Build each other up... work as a team. Trust her, empower her. Have faith in the relationship. Don't make her feel smothered, don't be jealous or possessive. You can make the difference, and she will see that in you. Be vulnerable to your partner... lay your feelings out there. It isn't about protecting yourself and your interests.. rather building together as a team.

[pablovblack]

I still have things that belong to my ex at home such as bath robe, slippers, bras, hair straighteners. She still has keys to my house but hasnt dropped them off. Should I have got all this sorted before I started NC, (im 2 days in) or would it be good to leave her for a few weeks and then request getting our stuff back.. please help...

[HardShowingAffection]

I would just hang onto them. I have a few things of my ex's still at the house. I just put them in a closet, and left them there. They are nothing that are essential to her, so when the time is right, and we truly go our own ways, then I will return them.

 

I think that if you rush to return them, you push her away. She knows that you have that stuff there, and it might give her an 'excuse' to give you a ring and talk about things. It's not bothering you... just pack it up and put it in a box in the closet, then you don't see it all the time, and aren't constantly reminded of her.

 

It's not like you two are on bad terms... let the emotions calm a little bit, get a good grip on yourself so that when the time comes, conversation can be positive and productive. When it does come, you will be able to think straight, and not be working soley on emotions. Give it some time.