took him back, did i make a mistake?

[gt500]

here goes nothing:

 

I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years about a month ago, we kept in contact over the phone and internet however I was away at school so there was no face to face contact. Things were going seemingly well. It was a really rough weekend for me, and obviously him too, but afterwards we were able to talk like old pals. He took everything seemingly well, wasn't too upset, was never upset when talking to me, (I was the one always breaking down on the phone) but in reality he just wasn't dealing with it. He hadn't told his parents, only a few friends and wasn't giving himself time to really let things sink in. There were no pleas to take him back, really he didn't talk about the breakup with me at all. After it happened, unless I brought it up, it was never spoken about. Eventually as the days passed, I was beginning to feel like I had done the right thing (I was initially very confused and unsure of my decision), While on my own I felt great, but it was whenever I talked to him on the phone or something I was very upset and crying over it all and missing him.

 

When I got home from school two weeks after the breakup we decided to meet up. He came over to my house and we hung out casually and eventually went up to my bedroom to hang out on the couch and watch TV and have a talk in private. Things were going ok. I was finding it pretty strange to be sitting beside him without any contact or that natural comfort I was used to and really missed that, but I wasn't going to let that surface. After sometime, he finally told me how much he missed me, he asked if he could hug me, and he wouldn't let me go, I didn't necessarily want him to either, it felt good. I started crying, when he told me he missed me and loved me, I told him the same. I did/do miss him, and I do love him, he's my best friend... I just wasn't in the relationship like I should have been, I couldn't feel it anymore. He kissed me, and one thing led to another. At the time, I knew even if we were to get back together things shouldn't have moved so fast. I know I should have stopped things, but we were both very caught up in the moment, he wasn't going to slow things down or stop without a fight. After all was said and done, I felt a little regret. At the time I didn't associate it with the fact that I shouldn't have gotten back together with him, just that what had just happened should have been put off for some time until we both knew the relationship was mended. I talked to him and told him if this was going to happen again things would have to change, he would have to work on the issues he brought to the relationship, I would work on mine, and we both couldn't continue to take each other forgranted.

 

Now, two weeks later I feel like I did months ago when I fell out of love with him and began to contemplate ending our relationship. I'm disappointed and ashamed in myself for breaking down so easily and taking him back when I knew I still had a lot of work to do within myself before I was ready to give myself fully to him or any other relationship for that matter. But i don't know if I should push on and see how things go, two weeks obviously isn't a lot of time to recognize changes or make them happen (two weeks wasnt a long enough time to soul search either ie. after i had broken up with him, before I had come home) As hard as it is to believe for you after reading all this, I don't want to hurt him, and I know because I was weak I probably will have to again if things dont turn around. sometimes I wonder if part of the reason why i took him back was because I didn't want to see him hurting, then I remember how much i missed him and wanted to be with him while sitting beside him on the couch not being able to be with him...

 

I'm sorry this is long winded... i'm just so confused... I want to make it work, I want to be happy with him again, I thought I could be... but I'm not. How can I make this work?

[Tigris]

Give it a few more weeks and see how things are then. If you feel that nothing has changed then talk to him and tell him that you're sorry but the relationship is not going to work.

 

Look at it this way, if you never tried again you'd be wondering for the rest of your life if it'd work.

 

Good luck

[Phoenix69]

I had the same feelings for a while when I go back with my ex. Some old problems came and reared their ugly heads again and I began to remember why, even though he dumped me, I felt pretty good after a week or so of NOT being with him. But the thing that has gotten me (and my BF) through that really hard stage was that we had the "Getting Back Together" Talk. Where you express what you felt were the reasons that you broke up in the first place and finding solutions to solve those issues. And give him the oppurtunity to express things that he feels are "Past Relationship Hang-Ups". Remember this is a "New" relationship. Not a continuation of the last one.

[HardShowingAffection]

Have you guys addresssed the issues that surfaced in the past? What steps are you two going to take to ensure that they will not happen again? Do you have a process in place? Are you willing to forgive him for past hurts and recognize and support his changes?

 

This is a two way street. He may be working to change for the better, but you have to support him. You have to make sure that you recognize his changes. You have to make your needs known to him so that he knows them!

 

I fell into a loop where I was sincerely trying to make all the changes that I knew how to do, and that I thought she wanted. However, I didn't get the feedback from her, and it was frustrating. Also, there were some of her needs that I wasn't hitting, but I didn't really know that because they were never conveyed to me.

 

You have to make sure you have open lanes of communication and help one another through these times! They are tough. But if you are both willing to work through them, you can do it!

 

Get opinions that aren't your own. You see things a certain way because you are in the middle of the situation. Read a relationship book or two. I wish I would have.

 

I recommend:

"Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendricks

"Relationship Rescue" by Philip McGraw

 

They have totally opened my eyes and changed the way I look at my actions and reactions within my relationship. It takes work, you need to put a process in place that will work for both of you. You need to communicate your needs. You need to be willing to compromise. You need to listen. you need to accept responsibility for your actions! You need to understand that you have a direct effect on the state of your relationship with every action that you make.... whether positive or negative.