Am I Wasting My Time?

[Diva26]

Help!!!!!!!!

 

I've been in a relationship for 4 years this summer, and I am faced with such a difficult situation,(Quite confusing to be perfectly honest).

We knew eachother for a year as friends. He was separated with three kids,(who live with their mom) and I had ended my 3 year relationship with my childrens father.I don't know how or when it happened but before we knew it we were an item. I fell fast and hard. Seven months into our relationship, he confessed to me that he was going back and forth between his ex and me. I was crushed. I felt used,dirty, worthless,blar,blar. I didn't know how to handle it at the time. I wanted him to feel as awful as I did, so me at the time, being 23, I found a 19 year old boy toy at the college I was going to and for 1 month, I stopped talking to my boyfriend, drank day and night and used this 19 year old for my revenge(sexually). Anyway, while I was messed up, my boyfriend wrote me letter after letter, burnt cheezy songs onto a disc for me and continued begging me to take him back.

Finally,after ignoring his calls,sobering up and realizing I was hurting alot of people,I couldn't ignore him anymore. I really missed him. He genuinely wanted to be with me.So I took him back.

Since then, there have been things that really bug me in our relationship. I don't mean leaving the seat up or farting at the table. Those things don't bother me like they do some people.

For a year after I took him back he still was trying to work things out with his ex.Then I found out from his mom and confronted him. I told him to make a choice.At that point i was prepared to have him not choose me.but he did.

we're still together, but he seems to have commitment issues. He feels guilty for leaving his kids and I completely understand that he puts them first. That was never an issue. But he makes me feel worthless to drive that point home.

I am no longer allowed to buy his kids x-mas gifts, he doesn't include me when it comes to his kids b-days. It wasn't always like this. At one point,I did these things. We were on the same page with these things. He is also God fearing, and thinks it is wrong that we are together. I believe in God as well. He says he is scared to finalize his divorce because he is afraid God will not forgive him. Not only that but he has become somewhat controlling,and hypocritical, and his insecurities are getting really annoying.He is always afraid he will lose me yet he is driving me away. I feel like I can't talk to him because he gets defensive and we always end up fighting.My feelings are being suppressed and if I try and vent he either belittles me and says my feelings are silly, or he make me feel guilty for feeling the way I do.It is always the same issues I have. Our future together, his fear of getting a divorce, and his unwillingness to commit. what do I do? a big part of me wants to say go figure your life out and if you still want me then I'll be here,but the part of me that knows the aftermath will be agonizing prevents me from growing some big brass ones and telling him poop or get off the pot!!!!

[RandomAdvisor]

Yes, you are wasting your time.

 

You know what kind of character - or lackthere of - this man has. All I could do was roll my eyes when you wrote that he is a God fearing man. Or maybe I shouldn't have. He lies to you. He cheats on you. God knows what else he has been doing that you havn't found out about. I guess he has a lot to be afraid of.

 

I think the real reason he doesn't want to finalize the divorce with his wife is because he is still holding out hope that he will be able to win her back. The bottom line is that if he really loved you, saw a future with you, and wanted to be with you then he would divorce his wife.

 

You shouldn't even give him "time to figure things out." You've already given him four years of your life! And you know what he's figured out? He's figured out he can use you. That he can walk all over you and have his cake and eat it too as long as he is careful, because you will let him. And the day that he ever wears his wife down enough to take him back, he will drop you like rock immediately.

 

I know you are in pain but you are not alone. This kind of thing has happened before, and I've read similar stories of others (men and women alike) who became involved with someone who was married but separated. It often ends in heartbreak with the married person deciding they are going to try and work things out with their spouse. That is exactly what is happening to you, only in slow motion. If his wife would have taken him back he would have left you years ago.

 

It's hard, but you don't need a big pair of brass ones. All you need is some respect for yourself.