Dumb, Sad, Completely Messed Up

[alteer]

Needing to vent and this is the safest place I know how. I don't even know if I'm posting it in right place....but anyway.

 

I am feeling so dumb, sad, messed up and extremely foolish right now.

 

I can't believe my ex (as of 2 weeks ago after a 2 1/2 yr relationship) treated me the way he did......ending it the way he did.

 

And I know that people who've read my previous posts will be thinking 'why the hell didn't she think already having kids wasn't a problem!' And even though he assured me it wasn't a problem.....I think it really was. I think this had to do with why he couldn't make a commitment to me.

 

I made some really stupid mistakes in my younger days. Got involved with a vicious and cruel man who treated me worse than an animal, he beat me up and tortured me practically every day. And I ended up raising 2 kids alone for the past 10 yrs. I was only 21 when I finally got away from that mess.

 

I shut myself away for along time. and when I met my current ex I thought that this was it.....I had finally found someone who loved me. And it took me a good 18 months to open up to him and start feeling and trusting again. And now he has ripped my heart out and stomped all over it.

 

I'm crying right now because I'm just so sad and feel like I'm paying over and over again for ruining my life in the first place. I just want to be able to share my life with someone.....be able to say that someone loves me. I miss my ex so much and it hurts so badly that I''m now wishing I hadn't bothered. He hasn't contacted me once in the past couple of weeks and didn't even tell me that we'd broken up until 3 days after he'd decided and I just feel dumb. I've been through enough and I just want to be loved. But somehow I have a knack for attracting nut jobs, freaks and the emotionally unavailable.

 

I pretend to be strong but I'm a complete mess right now. I don't know what to do. Ha, and check out my sig. yeah right. I live in torment either way. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Im sorry to read of your pain and past, all I can say is there are good men out there, and the bad one they look for the kind of hart so they can bully and brake them.

 

This has a lot to do with self image, if yours is low then otheres will walk all over you. You need to love your self and the grate things you did know your life.

 

Making life is the gratest gift a woman can have in my book, the wonder of it still hits me every time a see kids. You have two garte kids I know as you words point to you having a deepness of soul.

 

I think you have done some grate things in your life, I think you need to remember that.

 

next time look for a good man there out there.

[Rainz]

I've been on here reading various posts all day, for some reason yours seemed to just really touch me. I understand your pain.

 

I'm going through my own stuff at the moment as well, I wish I could say something to you which is more positive and uplifting.

 

Think of your 2 chil,dren, that to be there for them and to do right by them you have to be strong for them. I'd give anything to be a Mum I would, at least you have fulfilled that purpose for your life, your life gas that as it's meaning, even if you can't see that right now.

[looklikescarlett]

You have obviously learned some harsh, but important lessons. That's awesome! You now better understand what's (un)acceptable for you, what your needs are, that you you may be choosing the wrong partners. In preparation for the future, you had to be taught these things so you do not make the same mistakes...so you recognize the right paths to take. Perhaps think of this current situation as boot camp; it's going to suck and be difficult, but when it's over, you will be ready to face life's battles with new found tools, insights and strength! Your kids are the priority...and you will probably find the most comfort and reward in them...my grandmother told me that kids, animals and nature help when life lets you down. Keep writing, take day by day and hold on!

[Daddy Bear]

alteer, your pain comes through your words very clearly and i feel for you very much. other than saying you're not cursed and that learning from our mistakes means the next time is usually better, all i can offer to you is...

 

*hug*

[alteer]

I don't think my problem is self image. It used to be but I've grown to love myself. And although it doesn't sound like it right now, I actually really like my life. However, I do come with baggage from my past (and I'm not talking about my kids, I don't consider them 'baggage') mainly sexual in nature because of the sick things that were done to me.

 

I knew that I had to make a life for myself and my kids and become self sufficient. And I have. We went from having nothing to having everything we could ever really want. I love my kids more than life itself, and I have done a really good job of raising them on my own under extremely difficult circumstances, they are intelligent, selfless, and determined. I'm proud of that. They have big hearts, and so do I.

 

I've accomplished so many goals and know that I'm capable of doing anything that I put my mind to. I consider failure not trying. I have taught myself so many things and have a great job. I'm also an author on the side and have one book published and have received letters from so many people all over the world who have read my book. I"m currently trying to adapt it to a film script. I do a lot of public speaking and have done radio and television interviews. So I'm not lacking in self esteem or confidence. I've already worked on that part of me.

 

I just sometimes feel lonely, although I don't want for anything, and I have my kids. But it would be nice to wake up beside someone. I guess I thought my ex was that person. He treated my and my kids so well. He was kind and loving and I thought he respected me and my feelings. But what he did in the end showed me that he didn't consider my feelings at all. And that's what hurts. I know I'll get over it. I know I'll move on. I just feel sad right now.

[greekgoddess]

He left you because you had kids? Forget him. Some day he'll have kids and understand what a jerk he was

[alteer]

Here is why I'm so proud of my kids. Thought I would share the mother's day card my daughter wrote me:

 

Dear Mum,

I hop you have a good mother's day. I apologise now for past and future (if I may put it so elequently) screw ups.

Thankyou for doing your best it is more than enough. I try my best to be all I can be - only for you.

Come to me for your present - my first composition!

 

She is only 14 and plays guitar, she wrote me the most beautiful piece of music. I really feel like I've done such a great job.

 

And if anyone leaves me because of my kids then you are right they are not worth it. It's them who miss out on 3 people great people.

[Daddy Bear]

sounds like any guy with half a brain would see that your kids are not a "problem" but an asset.

[alteer]

Thankyou so much for everything you have all said.

 

I've found this forum has helped me a great deal in putting things into perspective. I know I'm not even half way to healing yet, but it's good to know there is a place I can come to and let all my feelings out.

[alteer]

Thankyou for all of your kind words petlady,

 

Kids really do show you what's important. They don't have the same hangups we do. You love them and they love you back, no questions asked, no conditions, just unconditional love. And that is the best feeling in the world.

 

Thanks for your mothers day wishes.

 

And I'm so glad I found this site

[alteer]

sounds like any guy with half a brain would see that your kids are not a "problem" but an asset.

 

You are so right!! Thay are an asset!