Just beginning the healing (LONG CORE DUMP)

[MaggieD]

My sad tale of woe is like most others here -- I was dumped after 6 yrs in a relationship with a woman who I thought was the love of my life -- a true soulmate. Or so I thought. She'd been having career problems for quite some time, so though I tried to talk to her about what was wrong I didn't actually think it was us so much. She is a conflict avoider, so she didn't tell me she was unhappy with us, or when she did get angry I thought it was over silly things that had more do with her being cranky because of the work situation. I really thought what was happening with us was a symptom of problems at work, and that she would be her old self when those got worked out.

 

She started going to a therapist, and little did I know that she was spending most of her time talking about her relationship with me -- not work. Not that they're weren't some clues, but when I would try to talk to her about what was wrong she wouldn't talk. Or I didn't listen hard enough, or something. I sure didn't think she was getting ready to step out of the relationship.

 

Until one day we got into a pretty bad argument. It only lasted for like 2 minutes, but she had a total melt down. Just totally freaked out because I insisted that we talk about whatever was bothering her. After that she left us for a few weeks (me and our son).

 

Turns out it was me she was really unhappy with all along. The final leaving was slow though. First her: "I need space", then me: "okay, take your space, but please, please don't leave" (I travel about half the time and she likes her time alone). So she stayed through the holidays. Lots of approach / retreat type behavior ensued, where I would think everything was going to be okay one day, then sure she was leaving me the next. Whenever we were together it seemed that things were good and we were all happy. But when I would press her to talk about going to counseling together she would revert back to "I don't want to work on it - I can't be in a relationship."

 

Then about a month ago she says she wants to "separate" and we can date each other. She broke this to me at the same time she told me she had already rented an apartment. So there was no discussing it. It was a done deal. She needs more space, and I should just hang in there for a few months, she said. Or I can just accept it and move on -- my choice. Then she moves out and no dating. I don't think she ever had any intention of actually dating me -- I just think she said that to help me handle it.

 

Call me clueless, because apparently I am, but what I didn't get until just recently is that she wanted to be out of the relationship without a doubt, but felt guilty for leaving. So she did it in pieces parts, with me hanging on in hope all the way.

 

Now we are one week into very limited contact. I really need that for me to be able to deal with this. It has been going on since last fall, and I am really emotionally raw at this point. This is definitely the worst pain I have ever been through, without a doubt. At times I didn't think I would survive it, and even now I wonder when life won't be so sad and empty any longer. Weekends are the worst, aren't they? Even when I am hanging with friends I think about her.

 

I think the thing with lesbians is that they tend to really, truly be each other's best friend in addition to being partners. I miss my best friend so very much, and I know she misses me that way too. I can tell that much. She wants to remain friends, but unfortunately I don't think I can, even though we always enjoyed doing things together and are very compatible in that way. How can you be just friends with someone you are in love with and still heal? I don't think you can. At least I don't think I can.

 

I feel so betrayed by her. I think if things were bad for her she owed it to us to talk about them with me instead of just some therapist. Of course some of the blame falls on me too. I didn't listen to her with my heart, mostly just my head. And I would sometimes be dismissive of her feelings when they seemed less than logical. Of course now I realize that her feelings were valid just because they were her feelings. If only, if only, if only I had done this that or the other thing, right? But she won't give us another chance no matter how much I tell her I am willing to try very hard to give her whatever she needs. She's lost that loving feeling and it's gone, gone, gone.

 

Ugh. I did all the begging, pleading, "please I will do anything - just don't leave me" crap through these last 6 months. Did everything but literally get on my knees. Very attractive, eh? No.

 

And naturally that took it's toll on my self esteem. I am past that phase, thank goodness. Never been there before and was literally amazed at my own desperation. Sure, I thought I was going to grow old with this woman, and I loved her with all my heart. But still, what happens to our dignity?? Right now I don't ever want to love someone that much again. It's just too risky. And I am a bit bitter at her for leaving me feeling that way as well.

 

I still cry some every day, but not all day like I did the many days in the past few months. That's progress. I still wake up in the morning and when it hits me that she's gone and not coming back it feels like bricks hitting my chest, but I shake it off and move on instead of staying in bed until noon. I still have trouble going to sleep and staying asleep. And I still long for her next to me in our warm cuddly bed. I still can't imagine my life without her, but I am accepting that I am going to have to live it that way.

 

And of course I still hold on to the smallest shred of hope that she will come back to me -- fall in love with me again because she misses me and all that we shared. But even that thought is depressing because I know the hope is false. She is very strong-willed. Once she makes up her mind that is pretty much it.

[bachinit]

I know how you feel MaggieD. I just went through almost the exact same scenario. Had a woman do an about face on me literally over night. It was our second go round after 13 years apart (that one was 2 years living together). She dumped me the first time for a guy she had already built a relationship with behind my back. I didn't blame her then because I really was pretty aloof towards her at the time. But this time I'm ticked because we seemed to be on fire for a year and then she went cold on me one day. For the next 6 months I turned into the most pathetic spineless a** kisser that ever walked the planet and all she was doing the whole time was looking for my replacement. lovely huh? I feel like crap. I'm actually not angry at her as much as I am at myself for not recognizing what was about to happen when I saw that look again 6 months ago.

[MaggieD]

Bachnit, you mentioning seeing "the look" -- reminded me of something that felt to me like a turning point, at least in hindsight. When I look back, a few months before this all started, she told me she had been to the doctor for problems related to menopause and such, and it was decided by her doctor that she indeed was in full blown menopause. She seemed vaguely panicked by the thought of that -- like this meant she was old for sure now. (she doesn't look her age, really) I remember thinking, oh boy, this is going to be a roller coaster.

 

I thought when it first happened that maybe it was a mid-life crisis that might blow over. She even went to the doctor and got some anti-depressants. But that didn't change her mind. Looking back though, I remember having a sickening feeling when she started talking about what the doc had said, knowing that it was going to have a bad effect on all of us the way she was dealing (or not dealing very well) with it.

 

In hindsight, the signs are often there, I guess. We either can't or don't want to deal with them. Sure wish I had done something to head this off. Maybe there was nothing I could do by the time it reared its head. I don't know.

 

Hugs, bachnit. And thanks for your reply.