Re connecting..

[Kimmikazi]

Hi everyone

 

I need some advice...(Sorry if it skips around a little)

 

Here's the situation..I've been with my boyfriend now for about 7 months. He's an amazing person and a wonderful boyfriend. The trust is there, the love is there, and I thought the compatibility was there too. Although now, we're becoming unsure.

 

Lately, all we seem to do is argue. It can be the most minor thing, and we'll find a way to argue about it. Some things more serious than others... When this happened earlier on, we agreed that we'd figure out what was wrong...and make the changes to fix it. It worked for a while...the past 5-10 times we've been together, they've been spent in an argument that in the end, leaves us with one of us talking about ending the relationship. Then we bring out the "talking" and how we both are willing to do what it takes to make things work. It's starting to feel like a vicious cycle that we both refuse to let ourselves wind up in....We've done the breaking up and thinking about what we want..and we found eachother back in the arms of one another...So, I know, next time we argree to end it..that will be it, and we will go our own ways for good...this is why I feel like I need a light...something or someone to help me get through this and advise me on what I can do or what -we- can do.

 

 

I know seeing someone too much can harm the relationship...and for that reason, we see eachother on a very balanced basis..that way we have our "own" time too. (So, I've crossed that possibility off..)

 

We're very connected, and we are able to talk to each other and atleast understand the other views as to what we feel is the problem. I'm very aware of what I do to provoke these arguments as well as him...it just seems the harder we try, the less it's working out.

 

I love my boyfriend with all of my heart...I truly am willing to do what it takes to make it work, but there comes a time when you have tried enough. I know he loves me...but I'm really afraid that one day..soon..someone else will come along, someone that he won't feel the need to bicker and fight with...and I'll lose him. I would like to make things right again. Make things calm, exciting and fun.

 

We still have a lot of fun together, we both get excited to see each other, and we still have a good sex life...but when every night turns into an argument...it's hard to focus on all of the good things.

 

Is it possible that even though two people love eachother with all their hearts...and want to make things work out-doing whatever it may take...that it's just NOT going to work? Is it possible that we're "trying" too hard to make it work...and that things should just fall more naturally.

 

I really don't know what to do...I don't want to let him go, because I know that we can have something amazing...and I can't stand the thought of passing this by.

 

One more thing is that...we're both very dominate..neither of us will let the other person be on top...so, that's another area where we bump heads when we argue. Not saying that we talk down to the other person, but one of us will never be the one to just take the heat, swallow it, and be the only one to change to adapt to the relationship. I think this is a good thing, and a strong aspect...although...once again...we're still not able to make it a few days without a full blown argument.

 

Any suggestions or advice? Thanks for listening!

[Beyondthesea]

What are your arguments about? If they are about nothing then you probably need some space.

 

If you are fighting about unsolvable issues within the relationship, it might be time to walk.

 

7 months is still honeymoon in my opinion, and I don't think you should be butting heads as much as you are right now.

 

In all honesty, life is too short to spend it arguing all the time. If you two can't resolve your issues and let some things slide, it's probably just that you aren't compatible.

 

Overall, don't be willing to walk at the first sign of trouble, but if you feel you are arguing because he is trying to pressure you into things (changing, etc) or you are fighting because you don't have the same views, interests or ideas, that's incompatibility in my books.

[Kimmikazi]

I know 7 months isn't a long time, and in some ways, yes..still a 'honeymoon' stage...but that's why I'm so concerned right now. We've both been in long term relationships...and know that if things aren't healthy off the bat...it won't magically become easier later. It's just being in love with so many good things in a relationship, and having to maybe give that all up because we don't have the same views which makes us argue...really..hurts.

 

Yes, a lot of the arguments come from just ... different views on things...acting in ways/doing things that the other person wouldn't...a lot of frustration.

 

To me, it feels that differences in persons should make things more interesting and all of that..make things more lively to open up new doors. Maybe it means not compatible.

[Beyondthesea]

Yes, a lot of the arguments come from just ... different views on things...acting in ways/doing things that the other person wouldn't...a lot of frustration.

 

Kimmie do you feel like he is controlling at all? That doesn't sound so good to me. In a relationship, I don't believe that one or the other should be trying to dominate the other's actions. That is getting borderline scary if it is the case.

 

If that is the case, and you are just too strong to let him 'push you down,' then good for you. If I'm completely wrong just ignore what I have to say.

 

 

However, if you have that 'nagging feeling' that something isn't quite right, listen to it. Your gut feeling is never wrong, guaranteed.

 

But regardless, if your fights are over things that are unresolvable, it's time to walk. Never let someone dominate you in a relationship. Be careful with this guy.

[Kimmikazi]

Noo. I'm so sorry if I gave that impression.. This guy is so far from anything near controlling. I have all the space and freedom in the world. He's nothing like that at all, and if he were..he'd be GONE and out of my life. He's a wonderful, loving person...it's just that the way we handle things are different..such as he'd rather talk out every little detail in order to solve something, and I'd rather let things just cool off and move on. To him, he believes that this is ignoring the situation, where as..I believe it's recognizing the issue and moving forward rather than dwell on it.

 

That's just one example..but basically that's what I meant.

 

He is by no means aggressive, abusive, or controlling...he's everything opposite.

[Beyondthesea]

Well that is really good to hear

 

So he wants to dwell but you don't huh. That is a really rare trait in a man I think! Not necessarily everyone's cup of tea.

 

I can see how you two communicate differently. That is something that just involves some compromise.

 

What I would do is have a conversation when the two of you aren't arguing, and talk about how you two will compromise when a similar situation arises. Just say "Well I'd rather cool off a few minutes than have a full blown argument; would you be able to let me take about 5 or 10 minutes to myself to get my head together and then we'll talk again?"

 

I'm sure he'd agree to that. He just feels you are going to walk and let the issue slide and never speak of it again.