I did all the things I shouldnt do - HELP!

[Confusion1974]

Hello!

 

Am going to work in a short while..Am nervious how today will go..still trying to figure out what attitude I should have..pretend nothing happened I gues..Just have a question for Keefy..In your post you mentioned that its ok for him to do the coffee bean 'game' because he's used to that..but doesnt that remind him of our 'relationship' and thereforeeee should make him uncomfortable instead of comfortable? As he seems to be allergic to the word relationship? And how about the fact that he cancelled his best friend that night to have dinner and drinks with me?

[libertine]

Hi, I'm in a similar situation in that the guy I like wants to be friends but we end up kissing and sleeping with each other. He also acts like nothing has happened and the last time we had lunch, it was talking about normal stuff and lots of laughs. After that he said something to the effect of see you sometime, and that hurt so much because it wasn't what I expected -- too pal-like. In your case, I think it must be worse that he's also your colleague.

 

It's been a week now and he hasn't contacted me. I told him that I couldn't be friends with him at this point because I wouldn't be able to kill those feelings. Read a self-help book that said that was the wrong thing to do -- that I should have just cut contact with him without saying anything. What say you?

 

And how did your day at work go? You are brave.

[keefy1972]

It is comfortable because you allowing him to do things like that continues to feed his ego. Now when you're aloof and indifferent it's a different story. He don't know what you're thinking or how you feel about him. Letting him do things like with the coffee beans tells him, "I know you said we can't be together and I'm okay with that. We can still act like we are".

 

It's my guess that he cancelled with his friend to stay with you because he thought he was going to get lucky.

[keefy1972]

LADIES...continuing to sleep with your ex or act sexual in any way will NOT assist you in getting back together with them. Men do not see the act in the same light as women. It's not about feelings and emotions for a man. It's more about "Exercising the demons" or "Releasing the poisons from the pipes". This will not help a man decide that he wants you back.

 

As the saying goes..."Why buy the cow when you already get the milk for free". You've got to ration that stuff out. It's a valuable commodity and you need to act like it is. Everyone knows when something is too available, it completely loses its' value.

[Confusion1974]

hey Keefy,

You are absolutely right! This week I have been socializing a lot, but not with him…! One day I didn't show up at work and the next day he wanted to know what I have been doing…I was vague at the beginning and he said ' you are avoiding the question' ….Then I told him that I went to a bar, came home late, overslept and decided that I took the day off to relax…Perhaps I did tell him too much, but then again what I told him is just the polite answer and not necessarily the truth …or the full story..Let him sit on it, think about it or whatever…With this new attitude, it seems suddenly that I am attracting a lot of attention from other men..this week has been a ego booster and I have to say that I love every moment of it..He's bragging that he had met a beautiful girl when he went to the gym and the 'guys' at work ask him every day if he has seen her again..Last week those conversations would hurt me, but now I think ' if only you knew how great my life is'…don't get me wrong, I still want to be with him…but I also decided that I wont stop living and enjoying my life because of him…

[bacci]

What is it that Keefy says? Life is always peachy?

I'm glad you're having a good time.

And yes, that's too much info, just smile like a cat who ate the canary and keep enjoying all the attention that you are getting.

Keep up the good work, limited coantact, don't initiate it and keep it brief. Be the one who says: "I've got to go now", oh, and don't explain why you gotta go.

Good luck

[Confusion1974]

hello! Yesterday I practised the 'oh gotta go' thing on company drink...normally I would stay till the end but I left before he did..2 days ago, I did the same thing..I just disappeared..the next morning he said 'I was looking for you but couldnt see you, did you leave early?' I just mumbled something like had to be somewhere else..So I have been doing fine...but last night after my grand exit, something happened..I texted him...AHHH..!! Somehow I find it extremely difficult to follow up the NC/LC the whole time..the text wasnt too bad..just said that I just realised that I owned him still dinner...was that very stupid?? He did reply almost straight away..saying that he just bought food and we should have dinner next time...I think he doesnt know what to make of all this..one moment I am aloof and the other I kind of reach out..but then again not really...Was it really a bad thing to text? Any opinions?

[Tropigal30]

Don't think in terms of "good" or "bad" or "right" or "wrong" ... or beat yourself up over how you'll "look" to him. It's not about him, it's about you.

 

But I don't think texting him was a good move for you emotionally, as you were expecting a certain kind of response, and when you got a "later" response it made you feel rejected and/or confused.

 

I think the only time you should make contact is when you don't care what the response will be. Positive, negative, whatever.

 

A tool I use to talk myself out of contacting guys "inappropriately" is to imagine the worst possible response I could get to that text, such as "sorry I'm busy now with my new girlfriend" and realise if I can't cope with that response that I'm not in a good place to send the text.

 

It sounds like this guy is just "not that into you". Doesn't mean to you're not gorgeous, fun to be around, and all of that, but that he didn't feel enough spark. Chemistry is not personal and can't be chosen unfortunately. It's actually a very rare random thing.

 

In my experience though women are much more likely to get emotionally attached despite that lack of "spark" where as men won't commit emotionally until the "earth moves".

 

I blame it all on society's programming of women vs men during our childhoods, eg boys shouldn't cry, play with dolls, or wear pink. Girls are allowed to play with trucks or dolls, cry if they want to, and wear any colour they damn well like. So a lifetime of supressing emotion for men makes it a lot harder for them to "find a connection" with a woman.

 

So as a result, a casual relationships only work where both parties are in the same place emotionally, just looking for some fun and aren't emotionally too attached. And by nature most women find it hard to continue with that for any length of time without getting emotionally attached.

 

So don't feel guilty or stupid or anything negative, it was a normal response to a sexual relationship, and the fact that he's in your face every day will make it much harder to "move on". But realise that while you're hanging on to him you won't be open to meeting the next guy who IS going to be totally "into you" and make you forget this other guy ever existed. Well, almost.

[Confusion1974]

Thanks for your insight Tropigal! I think you do have a valid point..I keep trying to tell myself that also..I shouldnt ' wait and sit around' because I might close my eyes for someone wonderfull..

 

I have been out all day,and I just realised something... I WANT HIM BACK..I wanna share time, dreams, great things with him..but he DOESNT feel the same way..as actions speak louder then words...

 

but why do I want him? Is it because he doesnt want me anymore, is it all about ego? Or is it really because of him? Also he keeps confusing me with questions which I think he wouldnt ask if he didnt care...

 

But is he caring for me in the way I like him to care..So my head is going over details, fragments of conversations..and I try to figure out what his intentions are, were...Somehow I feel he's afraid of all the emotions he felt when we were together..he couldnt handle that..It was too much, too strong and perhaps too soon..

 

Should I be patient, just show him how great I am or just dropp him like a hot potato?? Again more questions and more confusion..

 

Any male opinions or insight in this continuing story?

[Confusion1974]

And another questions for the guy...what does it mean if the ex tells you that the teddybear you gave him a while ago is still in his bed..? Does it mean anything at all? Is it wishfull thinking, am I desperate to read ANYTHING in ANYTHING

[keefy1972]

Could be that he is telling you he still cares, in his own way, or it could mean he is just trying to make you feel good. Who knows really. The teddy bear wasn't of the blow up variety was it?

[Confusion1974]

No not the blow up variety he did say it when he had a few drinks tho...

[keefy1972]

Well, it's likely that he was feeling sentimental. One thing I can say though, "STOP GOING OUT DRINKING WITH HIM"!!!

 

If you want to distance yourself from the vulnerabilities of emotional attatchments then you have got to put physical distance between you guys. This post is a PERFECT example of that. If you had not been out drinking with him, or not taken his phone call, you would not be sitting here right now wondering "what he meant by that".

 

If you don't have anything to analyze, then it's likely then that you won't waste your time analyzing the nothingness.

 

I need to change my signature to "Time flies...we only get to navigate". Saw that the other day and it's awesome at how much sense it makes.

[Confusion1974]

I know..I know..but sometimes I have too..as we both work in the same team I cant bail out every time when the team is having drinks..tomorrow back to work after I really made a big mistake by texting him Friday curious and scared what tomorrow will bring..perhaps I should read your post on a daily basis, perhaps it will inspire me to maintain cool and in control

 

How about this for a signature in our case…

 

If work was that important, the saying should be ‘you only work once’ instead of ‘you only live once’ LOL

[keefy1972]

Actually, you can "bail out" every time when the team is having drinks. You wanting to do that though, is another story altogether. When you are in the position you're in, that I'm in, we have to begin to think selfishly. What is in our own best interest.

 

While dealing with this, it is never a good idea to drink, even though you like it. Hell, I like to pound down a few every now and then myself, but I know that it can make me sentimental and lead to me making decisions I'll regret. For that reason, I try to stay away from the booze. Not for good, just for now. I've begun trying to find more healthy ways to fill my time.

 

For example, if the team is getting together for drinks, tell them no thanks, I got a workout schedule to keep. Something healthy for you. Makes you feel even better about yourself.

 

Sorry, don't mean to sound too preachy, I'm just relaying what has worked best for me.

[Confusion1974]

I hear what you are saying..Made a grand exit twice last week...Unfortuanally some of the work drinks are part of a team building-let get to know each other-work drink...For the workout schedule..They wont believe me if I would say that as I have never ever set foot in a gym..

[keefy1972]

Who cares if they believe you. Make it an honest statement. Take to working out as it will make you feel better and much more confident. It's a positive change. Everyone can make changes. Even you.

[Confusion1974]

I will..gonna go shopping for some sport outfit tomorrow..retail therapie always works for a broken heart

[keefy1972]

cute. Everyone has their thing.

[Confusion1974]

Hello all!!

 

Back to work in a couple of hours...Wonder what this day will bring..long 9 hours that I will have literlay have to face him again..Really hope that he will not bring up the fact that I texted him on Friday..AGHHH What was I thinking! I know for a fact that I will not..Wish me luck!! I'll keep you all posted!

[Confusion1974]

Hi all…

 

Well, I made it thru this week without major breakdowns.. Arrived on Tuesday morning at work, 30 minutes later he showed up..did the usual 'hi goodmornings'..during my coffee break he sat down next to me while I was going thru my mail when he asked 'so how was your weekend' and I replied, 'fine'. He asked me what I have been up to and I mumbled something like 'family' and that it was good to see them..Then i continued reading..I didnt ask him about his weekend....have to admit that I really had to bite my tongue off as that's sooo not me..

 

Later that day when I came out of a meeting I found out that he went home as he was sick..and I haven't seen him since..On Wednesday I sent him a very short email telling that I ate his apples which were lying around..And to get well. NO REPLY..On Thursday eve we had a work drink, I was getting worried as none of us heart anything form him..and after a few drinks it seemed like a GREAT idea to text him..it was short and sweet..saying something like ' Hope you are ok. Get well' ..NO REPLY…Until this morning when I received and email in which he said he stayed in bed all the time, didn't feel too good..and that he just saw my email and text…I did reply to his email [ couple of hrs later] asking what was wrong with him..NO REPLY…

 

Home now, thank god its weekend..Really don't now what to make of this..One part in me wants to say, 'Hey, do you need anything' but the other part thinks ' No way I am gonna go out of my way for you' Any ideas why my ex is doing NC to me now???

[Tropigal30]

Hey there

 

You sound like you've got it bad. I'm going to be very realistic for you (as it's always hard to be realistic when you're in the situation yourself) and it might not all be accurate as I don't have all the information, and as to whether you take it on board or not is up to you, but it might help you get a little perspective.

 

Let me refresh your memory ... last weekend you sent one brief text to him, which he replied to, and you agonised about it for FOUR days !

 

And now you've emailed, texted and emailed over the last few days and got one email in return ! And you're considering offering to care for a guy who obviously isn't really that interested in communicating with you for whatever reason ... If he was into you it wouldn't matter what you did. You're contacting him in the hope that you'll make him aware you're "still available" if he should change his mind about being with you.

 

But guess what ? You're making it painfully obvious to him you're available. You've been the one to initiate contact on every occasion, and it is always open ended to a possible "further involvement".

 

Distancing yourself is not going to prevent him from asking yourself out, it is only going to make yourself more attractive by being independent, confident and together. But you negate this every time you send a "hopeful" text. Somewhere along the way you've lost your self respect. I understand how that feels. And once you send one text, you go "oh well I've already * * * *ed it up so another text isn't going to change that".

 

WRONG ! Every "hopeful" text makes you less of a challenge and less intriguing to him. Sounds like you are in sales ? from the "pub networking" expectations the company has (I've also been there) so he is obviously driven by challenge ... and you're not providing it.

 

The harder something is to attain, the more you appreciate it.

 

As to why he isn't contacting you, it is either because he feels to ill, AND/OR he is involved with someone else and you aren't on his mind enough to want to contact you. But if he was into you it wouldn't matter if he was sick, he would want to chat to you. So the cold hard truth is HE'S NOT INTO YOU as I said earlier ... nothing you do will change that but everything you do can make him want you less.

 

So take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror and as "is this guy really worth losing my self-respect over" and "what do I realistically expect when I send these texts" and realise that you're not going to get the response you want which is "I want you back".

 

"Why am I still interested in him when I could be interested in a fabulous, successful, attractive guy who thinks the same about me ?"

 

And instead of mumbling replys to this guy, be cheerful, happy, busy, "I have a life and I am worth knowing" which will make you feel better about yourself and also if you tell yourself that enough you will start to realise it is TRUE ! and you will get on with your life and forget about this guy !

 

So suck in a deep breath, play some happy tunes, join a new class (bellydancing is a great one for intrigue for guys very social and will teach you some new dance moves as well as toning up the belly - and FUN !! and you might meet some new friends to enjoy sharing your new life with).

 

Good luck and smile ! again !

[Confusion1974]

Hello Tropigal!

 

Thanks for you post! You are SO right! It was just what I needed as I had my finger on the 'Sent message button' to ask if I needed to get him some food..RIGHT! I WILL NOT NOW..I WILL NOT CONTACT HIM..PERIOD

 

Have done a lot of soul searching over the last few days, trying to understand why this is so hard to let go..When I look back at the relationship, I have always been the stronger one, the one who had ideas, took initiative, was the ' happy go lucky' one. Had an extended social life…he was not in a good place when we met, didn't go out, didn't laugh, he kind of isolated himself…had some serious issues that he tried to deal with by counselling

 

When he was with me, he enjoyed every sec of it..he started laughing again, felt alive, was happy and became more open..Before he met me, he planned that he wanted to stay single for a year..But as always happens when you least expected, we met!

 

2 weeks ago we had dinner together, and yes too many drinks too..he was hurt because I didn't tell him the things I used to tell, I didn't ask him anything any more about his life…I pointed out that he was ' just' a colleague and that thereforeeee he had no right to a special treatment, and that I was treating him equally as the rest of the co-workers…That night really messed my head up as I couldn't think about anything else than what has been said for 4 days..…

 

 

In a way he has tried to make contact ever since we broke up…asking what I have been up to, telling me what he has been up to…and I have stayed strong..didnt ask him for details at all..never asked him a question…Sending him a text or email, might give him the idea that I am available..but most of all, I think it will confuse him only more..as my actions do contradict..one moment I am cold and closed off, and then suddenly I show interest in his well being even when it's as distance as possible..

 

I really think he has no clue where he's standing when it comes down to it..as for my social life, I am an very outgoing person and I have been socialising a lot over the last 2 months..I am generally a very upbeat person, and one of my ex comments was that I suddenly start singing while at work..so I don't think that I will give him the impression that I am heartbroken or miserable..

 

If he is interested in some one else, I don't know..but I find it highly unlikely…as I know his mental state isn't very good at the moment..he told me that he just want to be alone..that it wasnt personal…he applies this rule also towards his friends..he just want to be [ left] alone…

 

Somehow I think he is afraid for any emotional tieds..or commitment and he doenst know how to deal with expectations..even when those expectations only exist in his mind, nothing I can say or do can change that..he feels the pressure…

 

He might be completely overwhelmed by the way I am living my life and that I was living too fast for him to keep up….he stated several times that he couldn't believe that I was interested in him…that girl like me don't fall for guys like him..

 

Knowing this, any other opinions how to deal with this situation?

[majord23]

Knowing this, any other opinions how to deal with this situation?

 

Tropigal has given perfect advice and I can't add a thing to it. Make yourself less available/unavailable and move on - if he chases, he chases....if he doesn't, then you're moving on.

[keefy1972]

Tropigal...You go girl!! That post helps me too. Thanks.