Do you marry the person or their family?

[Starfall]

Terrible situation with mother-in-law who hates me... Nothing I do is right and she verbally abuses me in front of the kids. She has told me "I am the Mother... I am #1... You are #2". She is awful... I could tell so many stories.. Lucily my husband has seen what's she's done as I'm shy and reserved and will no longer tolerate it. His sister says... I married "The family" and how I have to put up with the abuse... by marriage. I say no way. I married my husband, if things work out with his family.. even better! But for me to accept verbal abuse from this woman seems crazy to me just because I married him. I'd like some opinions...

We went to counselling and she said my husband can't expect me to have a relationship with her with what she's done to me.. he understands and I support him in seeing his family. I don't want to be included.

Did I marry his family?

[passions1]

In terms of marrying the family & not just the spouse, is quite common in eastern culture b/c it's joinining 2 families together. So that understanding of different cultures & their views of marriage will be helpful in understanding the mother-in-law alittle bit hopefully.

Regardless of culture, you don't deserve to be verbally abused! So all you can do is remain cordial w/ his in-laws, w/o having to try to make an effort to be "buddy" buddy friendly to the mother-in-law. Hope things work out!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

wow the woman sounds pretty awful. i've never been married but i had a serious boy friend whose mother was truly awful, i think she was a little bit mentally ill maybe. but one time i had enough and called her back and, well i won't repeat what i said, but lets just say i never, never heard from her or saw her again.

[itsallgrand]

I'm not sure what your question is? (maybe I'm dense).

 

Just looking to vent?

[southerngirl]

No, you dont have to take her abuse. What about your own family? Whats your relationship like with them?

[lovecrazy]

Honestly I feel that the in laws are your family, but you only married your husband. If it were me, I would honestly put the women in her place. But do it, nicely. Just tell her that you dont like how she treats, you, and ask your husband to stick up for you. He is your husband, and you should come before his mother since the moment he said I do.

 

I feel that way, but that is just me. People interruptation of marriage is different.!

[justpaisley]

Oh, honey, trust me when I say, I feel your pain. I have a terrible, terrible mother in law. After 4 years of abuse that I took because she's my husband's only family, she said something mean and untrue about my family and I decided I wouldn't be speaking to her anymore. I had to let her in my house for about a week after Katrina because there was literally nowhere else to go (she hasn't only lost me due to her attitude, but most of her friends as well), but thankfully my best friend was there to buffer her presense. My husband realizes what kind of person she is, and while he maintains a relationship with her, he doesn't insist that I do, and doesn't make excuses for her tyranny.

 

Let her out of your life - you will be much happier once you realize she is poison and thoroughly rid your life of her influence. If your husband supports you, then you, like me, are the luckiest person alive. Don't let her manipulate you and your husband with the old "I'll take you out of the will" trick. Do not answer her calls and do not call her for any reason. If she wants to see the children, let your husband bring them there, or do not be home when she comes over. Actually, you have already demonstrated that she has been hurtful to your children (calling you names in front of them), so I'd reevaluate the relationship they have with her if I were you, before they start to think that calling you names is okay since Grandma does it.

 

You did not marry his family, you married him. If your husband didn't realize what a terrible person she is and was making excuses for her, I'd suggest reevaluating your relationship with him because he would then be part of the problem.

 

She most likely won't change, and since that's the case, you don't need to be a part of her life. Trust me. I know things are complicated with children (I'm trying to figure out how to maintain my "relationship" with my MIL when I have her grandchild in August), but you need to be the best person you can be and not stand for abuse from anyone in order to be the best mother you can be.

 

Good luck to you. This is a horrible problem within marriages, and I hope that when I am a mother-in-law, I'll have friends and family keep me in check so I don't turn the monster-in-law corner.

 

((((HUGS))))

 

P.S. I'm glad I edited this... I had the word "terrible" in here so many times that it became laughable. Guess y'all know how I feel about my MIL...

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Let her out of your life - you will be much happier once you realize she is poison and thoroughly rid your life of her influence. If your husband supports you, then you, like me, are the luckiest person alive.

 

yes it's sometimes the best alternative, my mother did that with her husband's mom...his mom is such a negative and nasty person...finally just told her just stop going to the gatherings go shopping or something...let him have all the 'fun'...it seems to be working out fine so far...

[CHINOOKA]

Wow, alot of hate to mother in laws. Does our perspectives in this country about "nuclear fameilies" have anything to do with it? Nuclear famlies are not the majority anymore. We are now free to examine the benefits of the extended family. Marrying someone does not make their family disentegrate. And being someone's wife doesnt make you more valid or right than anyone else. Please don't use the children as weapons. Consider how you might have provoked the mother in law. Usually, when someone is showing hostility toward us, we have probably provoked them somehow. If we think about it, we usually know exactly what we need to do to make it right.