is he bi/gay?

[aid]

Hi, I ve been in an amazing relationship for 3 yrs now and thought it was going to last even longer...i recently discovered that my bf is questioning his sexuality. He has admitted to having fantasies abt men and that he sometimes does feel an attraction towards men. We have spoken for a long time and he believes it is only sexual curiosity as he could never see himself loving another man. The bond we have is very strong and we both do not want to lose what we have although im worried that it goes beyond sexual curiosity: is he in denial? I do not want him to be suppresing who he really is for fear of how others, particularly his family, might react. I have been hurting like never before but I do not want to change him for me. I have told him that whatever ends up happening, i'll always be by his side, even if not as his gf. This is hurting us both so bad. Is it possible for our relationship to continue or would we both be living an illusion? I really need some advice.

[jabele]

Well, I would ask yourself: am I happy in this relationship -- and also, is he happy. Even if he does have occasional fantasies of being with men, this doesn't change how he feels about you. If you both have a strong connection then you can still have that. I guess its the same as dating someone who fantasizes about other women -- it doesn't change how they feel about you.

 

The questions I guses you should ask yourself are: 1) is he still attracted to me and 2) if he is bi, will that bother me to the point that I can't keep dating him? If the answer is no to both questions, then I guess you have your answer. If not, then I think that you two should talk about it...well, either way you should talk about it, and find out how he feels about you. Once you know that, its up to you as to whether or not you can accept his other attractions.

 

Good luck

[novaseeker]

He has admitted to having fantasies abt men and that he sometimes does feel an attraction towards men. We have spoken for a long time and he believes it is only sexual curiosity as he could never see himself loving another man.

 

Well ...

 

It's hard to know your BF's specific situation. It is, however, very rare for a 100% straight man to have *any* sexual fantasies about being with another man sexually or to be attracted to men sexually at all. Very rare indeed.

 

What I can tell you is that when I was younger I also saw it as sexual curiosity, probably because I never *allowed* myself to develop a romantic relationship with another man. Fast-forward 20 or so years and I can tell you that during those 20 years it very gradually became clear to me that it wasn't curiosity, that I could be (and was) attracted to men sexually and emotionally, and that I could love another man. The tricky thing is, I really did not know this when I was in my early 20s. Sexual/affectional orientation is a tricky thing ... and if you are bisexual to some degree it can be very, very confusing for a while before you figure things out. I didn't really know any of that was really true about myself until I actually HAD a romantic relationship with another man after my divorce ... and that clarified everything, actually.

 

As I say, it's hard to know exactly what your BF's situation is, but if he has those attractions and fantasies even to a mild degree, he isn't 100% straight. Figuring out what he is beyond that is a very YMMV area, because each individual is different, really.

[renaissancewoman101]

Aid, I can tell you one thing, that if he turns out to be bi or gay, it is going to be very hard for you to stand by his side. It will tear your heart apart and destroy you in some way emotionally. I loved my first ex and I still love him in some ways. We dated for about 4-5 years before he came out to me and told me that he had gay feelings and didnt know what to do with it. He asked me to stick by his side while he explored his sexuality. I stuck by him and it killed me emotionally. He eventually found a bf and still wanted me around. I stayed and now am his emotional support. It has hurt me immensely and helped to destroy my last relationship. I just want to say that it will cost you a lot to stay by your SO's side if he decides to go that route and it will hurt.

[agent1607307371]

To be 100% straight is actually rarer than you think, to fantasise, to be curious about people of the same sex is natural, even if it can freak some people out.

How old is your bf btw?

 

If he is bisexual then whether your relationship will survive is down to the two of you and your desire to remain together, just because he is attracted to men does not mean that he [b[will[/b] cheat. That is a question about his ability to be monogamous, not his sexuality.

 

If he comes to the realisation that he is gay, then that would be another matter altogether.

[aid]

Thnx guys. If he is bisexual, I dont think I would have any issues with it. He is still very attracted by me and we have a healthy sex life.However, I imagine he will want to explore his sexuality further to understand where he stands.That is the problem. I want him to understand his feelings and that means letting him explore but I cant take that. Renaissancewoman101 Im sorry to hear that you have been through such pain and I believe you are right too. I know that this is going to hurt and i dont know if i will be able to take it. The issue is he has no one else. Nobody knows about this situation and if he is coming out, he cant be alone on it. Im really scared, I love him so much and i know he loves me just as much. I was thinking of perhaps seeing a counsellor as a couple? That way we both would have some extra support?

[novaseeker]

A counselor may be a good idea, but pick one carefully, given the situation you're dealing with.

 

One caution: do not do something that will cause you pain yourself or cause you to sacrifice yourself for him or his well-being in that sense. You can walk along a very co-dependent-ish type of line, if you go down that path. If he decides he needs to explore sexually at some stage, you have to do what you need to do to protect yourself from pain. Don't stay with him or "by his side" so that you can be a support to him if/when he decides that he has a diverse orientation and decides to "come out" if that process will lead to pain for you. It's too easy to get yourself into a bad, self-defeating situation. It's good to be supportive, but not in a way that hurts you.

[jabele]

I was thinking of perhaps seeing a counsellor as a couple?

 

I think that is a PHENOMENAL idea. You can both discuss your feelings and issues....and it would be good for him to be able to express his feelings in a non-judgmental environment. Its amazing the breakthroughs people can have in therapy. I would definitely recommend giving that a whirl!

[jabele]

A counselor may be a good idea, but pick one carefully, given the situation you're dealing with.

 

One caution: do not do something that will cause you pain yourself or cause you to sacrifice yourself for him or his well-being in that sense. You can walk along a very co-dependent-ish type of line, if you go down that path. If he decides he needs to explore sexually at some stage, you have to do what you need to do to protect yourself from pain. Don't stay with him or "by his side" so that you can be a support to him if/when he decides that he has a diverse orientation and decides to "come out" if that process will lead to pain for you. It's too easy to get yourself into a bad, self-defeating situation. It's good to be supportive, but not in a way that hurts you.

 

Yeah, novaseeker is absolutely right. You should be supportive, but be sure to look out for yourself in this...because there is a chance that he'll need to do this exploring on his own...

[aid]

I'll try novaseeker. Its so hard. I really hope the counsellor is going to be helpful. Im abt to have my final exams too (im 21, hes 24) and I really need to get my head around this before they start, whatever that will mean. Thank you so much for your support guys, it means alot to me.

[novaseeker]

Good luck with this ... it is hard as heck, I know that from experience. Keep us posted with how things proceed.

[Susanne]

Listen, my world was devastated when I found out my husband couldn't decide if he was gay or not.

 

Your sex life will NEVER be all it can be when your mind is always wondering if he's excited because of you, or if he's with some guy in his mind.

 

I strongly suggest you move away from someone that has the potential to devastate you. I know...I will NEVER get over the pain.

[aid]

Im DEVASTED. I love him so much but im completely heartbroken. We broke up yesterday. We didnt manage to book an appointment w a counsellor due to both of our busy time schedules (his work and my exams) and had decided to post pone any decision post exam. BUT, this wknd i went to see him to attend a ball organised by his company. Something was wrong. I couldnt explain it, but i knew something was going on. I was suddenly so upset, so i spoke to him: said i had serious trust issue after what happened. So, i asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell me...no was the answer. I wasnt convinced so i asked him if we could swap phones for a couple of days. I needed to be sure i could trust him again. He agreed. Then the txts started arriving. In the past month, since we spoke abt his 'new' feelings, he has seen two guys, actually, he slept with them and was keeping in contact with one. He was cheating on me. Everything came falling down. I couldnt believe it happened. He felt terrible and said he didnt want to say it then as Im abt to have my finals and he was scared it would influence my revision. This is worse. We spent 2 days just crying. The weird thing is that i dont hate him. I knew our relationship was going to end, but i didnt expect this 'back stab'. We spoke again for ages and I still want to be friends with him. 3 yrs is a long time and what has happened now will never erase my memories and the amazing time we had together. Im hurting sooo bad. I cant eat, sleep nor concentrate. He said he will tell his family this wknd and i am happy that he has decided to come to terms with it. I had in effect told him that he should follow what he feels and accept himself without feeling shame. And i knew that he would have tried to sleep with another guy to see if he really was gay to put his mind at peace. I just didnt see it coming now. I was honest with him. He told me he didnt want to lose me and i didnt want to lose him, thaz y we had decided to put things on hold. Im in such pain. It hurts me to see him cry too. I came back to uni today and we spoke on the phone. He couldnt stop crying and that hurt me even more. Help me please.

[novaseeker]

In the past month, since we spoke abt his 'new' feelings, he has seen two guys, actually, he slept with them and was keeping in contact with one. He was cheating on me. ... And i knew that he would have tried to sleep with another guy to see if he really was gay to put his mind at peace.

 

You should give yourself permission to be hurt, angry and upset at what he did ... not at the fact that he is gay, but the lying, the behind the back sex ... totally in appropriate for any reason, whether he is doing it to figure out his sexuality or not. Selfish and irresponsible and really completely uncalled for. I'm sorry you had to go through this ... it's a very painful thing, and it totally was not your fault at all.

 

The bright side is that this brought things to a head in your relationship, and brought clarity to a situation that has been dicey for several weeks for you. You will be better off with someone who is not confused about his sexuality, and it's just unfortunate that you had to go through this in order to get there.

 

So don't be going around making excuses for his misbehavior. Allow yourself to feel the feelings you do in this situation, for a while, and then slowly begin to move forward again,