Days of our lives (but without the bad acting)

[naterandrews]

I have a real problem that sorta resembles a bad soap opera plot.

 

I've been dating a guy, "Daryl", for the last three years. He's great, hes charming, he's sweet, he's helped me to realize more about myself than i knew, and helped me grow as a person- basically, the guy everyone dreams about. There is also a problem though.. he is married. I know, I know, most people try to avoid married men like the plague. Since about the one year mark, he has tried about to or three times to leave his wife. The first time, by outting himself to her. She got violent and entered denial. So, he stayed. Second time, he told her that he was still seeing me (he told her since about the first year, that he hadn't been seeing me), and that he wanted to leave. She threatened suicide, and used her two kids against him (one is 15 i think, and the other 17). So, again, he stayed. Whenever i tell my friends/coworkers, they say hes just playing games, and making up these "excuses" to stay with her.

 

Over the last year and a half, I tried to pressure him into leaving (I know, bad "mistress") just saying hes living a lie, and he'd be happier being who he is, not living a lie as a straight guy. Since then, hes been saying, he doesnt want to hurt her kids, and mess up their lives. Eventually, I put my foot down, and made a stand. I told him, you need to leave her in order for this to work (Seeing him only on "stolen time isn't good for our relationship- time he SHOULD be at work). We then agreed, that he'd leave this June (June 06').

 

(I apologize for making this post so long!) Over the last couple months, I've been planning details about how our life will be. Where we are going to get our first apartment, planning finances, minute details, etc.

When I asked him about things, he acted startled. Told me he didnt really plan things, how he would tell his wife, and then preceded to tell me...... he didnt even plan to get divorced (again, he says only for "his" kids to keep insurance and to keep their comfortable life, etc.) So, after hearing this, I of course got scared. I told him, that he should "tie up" his affairs with his marriage, etc. after 6 months from us being together. Then, while talking he told me he would wait til the absolute last day from the six months to file for divorce (again, stating its for her kids). Im at a crossroads. He seems to be a noble, and honorable father to her kids, and thats great! But, maybe its a ploy to stay with his wife? Or to stay in contact with her?

 

Ok, long post short (haha, i know bad joke):

 

1- I am worried that maybe he is playing games with me, and not really wanting to leave. BUT he is such a great "boyfriend". And I know everyone thinks their boyfriend is the best out there and is all euphoric. But, something just seems off about the whole defensiveness about him leaving. He makes far more money than me, and is STILL going to pay off his wifes car, and the house they have once we are together- which will put a strain on our situation; Since we will have almost no money.

 

2- I am the extreme paranoid type. I keep worrying, "once a cheater always a cheater". I know theres no 100 percent (Yeah he will stay a cheater) or (No its not true) about that but it makes me wonder. He does things with me, and seems to have no remorse about it. I constantly worry about that and if he'll do it to me the same way (Sneaking out of work, sneaking out late at night, etc.)

 

3- His/her kids. Do you think he's just using them as an excuse to stay? He is 37, soon to be 38 next week, and I just turned 24. I know he worries about me (thinking I'll leave him when he gets old, no longer love him for some absurd reason or another, etc.) But I try to assure him that I've found the one guy that will make me happy.

 

4- Whats up with the last day of the 6 month "divorce filing period"? I know he doesnt want to hurt the kids and all. But, once he leaves things will change for them. Either they hate him (which i soooo hope they dont) or, they will be "ok" with it. Him getting divorced 6 months later wont make any less of a difference on how much it will hurt them. One kid has a part time job, the mom is graduating college this June (thats why I picked June), I'm sure she can get them insurance. So his "keeping the kids insurance" seems noble, but suspicious. What do you think? (Especially if hes still handing over about $7000 a month to his ex wife, you think THAT could buy at least some kind of insurance).

 

5- Anything I may have missed or some point that you may want to bring up.

 

I just want to know if I am not seeing things clearly, if he is a player but I dont notice it, or if you think that I am, as I said, too paranoid.

 

THANKS! (and sorry again about how long the post is)

[novaseeker]

Of course you're taking a big risk by getting involved with someone who is married. It's not right, it isn't fair to his family and wife to do that. And it's also risky for you .... most of the time extramarital relationships like that do not work out ... either the married person will stay married (for various reasons, including kids, finances, etc.) and end the "affair", or they will end the marriage, try to make it work with the extramarital relationship and then that will fail as well (statistically very few extramarital relationships work out).

 

So you're taking a big risk getting involved with this guy. Given his constant foot-dragging on the issue, it seems to me very unlikely he would ever leave his wife for you. It's a risk you have chosen to run, but again given his behavior and the general statistics on this, the prognosis is not good for you.

[FoxLocke]

Nate, the writing is graffitied all over the proverbial wall. You should get out of this relationship quick, fast, and in a hurry. Your lover has no intention of leaving his wife and children for you.

 

Grant it, I have never been in this particular situation but I do watch enough television talk shows to know what I'm saying.

 

Think about it...You have been together for awhile now, and his wife knows, yet, they are still together? And you are still with him? At the risk of sounding cliche' the birthday boy is having his cake and eating it too. Why should he leave and settle down when--no matter what his excuses are--you are still standing by his side? Why should he give up his idealistic lifestyle(where he can affect the outward persona of a heterosexual in the day while pursuing his homosexual compulsions in the dark) when you AND his wife are more than willing to continually accommodate him?

 

In a weird and twisted way his wife is using you too. She gets to remain in her "happy" marraige(while enjoying the perks and benefits) while her husband plays around with you for awhile. So when he's had his gay sex fix then it's back to real life again...Until he needs you one more time. And the vicious cycle perpetuates itself again, and again, and again...

 

I think it is going to come down to you demanding respect or leaving him behind. I know that you love him but love is a two way street. You can't let him drag you around at his own convenience. He should be willing to make sacrifices for you to. You are sacrificing your life, youth, and the chance at happiness just so he can perpetuate a facade.

That isn't fair. For all you know Mr. Right for you could be out there, alone, while this guy strings you along. Do you really want to waste your precious time waiting for a man who is unwilling(because he isn't unable inspite of what he says) to give himself to you fully?

 

You deserve better than that and I hope that you can come to that conclusion yourself.

 

Sorry to be longwinded but reading this I felt so bad for you.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Since about the one year mark, he has tried about to or three times to leave his wife.

Wait, you don't try to leave your wife. You try to hit a homerun. You try to get a college degree. If you wanna leave, then leave otherwise why are you still here?

 

Ask him that and every reason he tells you, is an excuse. Good luck.