How to get over horrible relationships

[fishrrshortae]

Hey every1,

 

I am only just starting to realize that my past relationships have really screwed me up as far as dating goes. My first boyfriend, for example, was extremely verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. He would ask me to help him get off by making me tell him about my friends. When I finally asked him if he had ever cheated on me, he said he had. I asked, "with who?" he said "with macy, duh." Stuff like that. I was a mess back then. Every boyfriend I have had since age 15 (about 10) has cheated on me, sometimes pretty blatantly. My last boyfriend was a pathological liar.

Luckily I found out pretty early, so that didn't last long.

 

The fact that I keep picking up these weirdos is making my life miserable. I finally know what I want but I'm too screwed up to trust anyone. I just got a guy's phone number today (yay!) but I am afraid he will end up being a player or a jerk.

 

I kind of feel like I'm starting to really date for the first time in my life.. Like, really go on dates, and do it the right way.. it feels almost like I've never dated before because I don't know how to go about it the right way.

Any help?

 

Thanks in advance, and sorry if this was too long.

[coollady1957]

I wish I could be of more help, but I have been trying to get back in to dating again after having been married for 28 years. My husband died, and then I became involved with the man that was a liar and cheater. You have probably come accross some of my posts.

 

I understand how you feel, because after the cheating BF, I am so leery of other guys being jerks or players, or having ulterior motives. It is all new to me trying to do it right and find a good guy out there. For the most part I am not even actively pursuing it anymore.

 

Good luck !

[fishrrshortae]

Coollady,

 

Thanks for the reply.. Yes I do remember your posts! I am sorry about the loss of your husband, which must have been devastating for you. I can't even imagine that.. I hope the replies from this post help you as well.

 

I guess it wouldnt' make any sense to actively look unless you are truly ready?

 

Good luck to you as well.. !!!

[coollady1957]

You know I have felt ready for a long time,,but every time I meet some guy it seems as though they are lying to me or covering up something. maybe I am just too suspiciuos after the ordeal with the BF...... Hopefully you will get some thoughts here on this thread and I am going to keep checking back to see what kind of ideas you get.

[itsallgrand]

Whoa. That is a BIG question.

 

I'm glad that you have gotten yourself out of bad situations and are starting afresh. That's really exciting.

 

You're so gonna hate my advice, but if you've read any of my other posts that doesn't ever stop me:

 

If trust is such a big issue for you, perhaps you need a complete break from all dating to learn about you.

 

No one likes hearing this. In my experience, this practise has actually saved lives.

 

One has to be whole when entering a new relationship. Otherwise, bad things happen. It really is so simple.

 

How much time have you taken from dating?

[fishrrshortae]

It has been about 2 years since my last relationship. I actively kept away from men who seemed interested because I was too busy and had no interest at the time. I am slowly gaining more interest in dating, if not a relationship, but I am really afraid of falling back into old patterns. I have dated here and there, but I have become something of a "commitmentphobe" because of this problem..

[itsallgrand]

Just take things realllllly slooooowww and make sure you are comfortable with the steps you are taking. There's no rush to be in a relationship. In fact, you can be totally happy on your own. If that is a truth for you; you're probably ready to try.

 

People coming from past bad relationships have this tendency to skip through a lot of the essential parts of dating. I think it is because you get used to putting up little blinders along the way (that is what we did before) and just march right through. So, we miss a lot of important signals.

 

You could try stripping away all ideas of dating, and simply go out and try to find a man who makes you happy as a friend. For a long time. No romantic stuff at all. That would take you through all the important phases of rebuilding trust and respect and paying attention to the movement of a commited relationship. A commited friendship.

 

Other than that , I think the idea of going super-slow is a good idea. This is all fresh again to you: there is no reason you can't explore and date all sorts of men in a casual way. Just keep sex out of it. Enjoy time with them and get a feel for getting to know them.

 

I'm no friggin expert either....Dating is always kinda tough!

[fishrrshortae]

Itsallgrand--

You are ABSOLUTELY right about keeping things slow/comfortable, and keeping sex out of it. Those things have definitely been problematic in past relationships I have had.

[Momene]

When you think about it, most people date quite a lot of people before getting married, so most of us end up dating jerks or jerkesses. When we're dating when young (sometimes even when older), we're all learning how to be in relationships because it doesn't always come naturally to all of us. Probably all my exes will describe me as a jerk but I probably was at the time.

 

I think it gets easier when you and the people you date are older.

[fishrrshortae]

You would think so, but guys my age (23) now are mostly into partying and stuff like that

I hope it gets better when I get older but I'm not so sure it will..

[Momene]

You would think so, but guys my age (23) now are mostly into partying and stuff like that

I hope it gets better when I get older but I'm not so sure it will..

 

Ever thought of dating guys a bit older, like early 30s? By then most of us have done the partying bit and the things girls find irritating.

[fishrrshortae]

I think the oldest I would go would be 28 (I'm almost 23 now..)

I can't see myself dating someone older than that

[Momene]

I think the oldest I would go would be 28 (I'm almost 23 now..)

I can't see myself dating someone older than that

 

I guess it's down to taste and yes, there is a psychological barrier to dating outside your own age group and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone under 18 but my best relationships have all been age-gap ones. Yes I know my marriage hasn't been good lately but the first 15 years were very good. I'm 51 and my wife is 42. I think you'll find that most men change when they get past 30, although some don't grow up. At 28, most still have some laddishness left in them.

[fishrrshortae]

What do you look for in a man?

 

I read this great quote yesterday that we look for who we ARE, not what we WANT. I guess that says something?? In some ways I'm quite together and in other ways, I'm totally NOT...

 

I think you'll find that most men change when they get past 30, although some don't grow up. At 28, most still have some laddishness left in them.

 

Momene - I def agree that men change a LOT as they get older. I have seen my dad change.. he was a horrible husband at one point and now he has gotten much better in many ways. I am sorry you are having marriage problems... You have been married a looooong time! I hope it gets better for you.

[Momene]

I read this great quote yesterday that we look for who we ARE, not what we WANT. I guess that says something?? In some ways I'm quite together and in other ways, I'm totally NOT...

 

 

 

Momene - I def agree that men change a LOT as they get older. I have seen my dad change.. he was a horrible husband at one point and now he has gotten much better in many ways. I am sorry you are having marriage problems... You have been married a looooong time! I hope it gets better for you.

 

Thanks for the thoughts. I think if our circumstances change, it will be a real help but, other than that, it will keep being rather lukewarm, with the odd row to feel down about. We're stuck in a rut without much money to do anything, not a lot different from billions of people worldwide.