maybe i'm a mean person

[gradle]

hello!

i have kind of a dumb problem i think. i guess it all started several months ago, i met this guy at work that had just gotten out of an 8 year relationship in which he broke up with his girlfriend. he was interested in something starting up and i said i wasn't, mainly b/c i lacked respect for the way he was ending things with his g/f, i felt that he had a lot to work out.

well, anyways, there's this other girl i work with, she's pretty nice, but sometimes very hard to understand, in like, she's a little odd, but not necessarily in a bad way. i can tell she lacks a lot of self confidence. i like spending some time with her, but she's trying so hard to always be around me.

but she liked him and i got him to come out for her bday and slowly things have been progressing, so i'm happy for them.

but the issue is, well, he's been a really good friend to me in some ways, like he's always willing to help me out and always wants to talk, but he always tends to make me feel bad about myself. like i was dating a guy for a while, and i was very unsure of the guy, not b/c of really anything he did, but my friend kept putting him down. telling me he was only dating me b/c it was convenient for him, that this guy wasn't that in to me and just stuff like that.

but ever since he's started seeing this girl, all he does is tell me every conversation they have together. and not only that, he tells me this girl looks up to me. which is really flattering, but the thing is, i like her, and i think she's a nice person, but it's like she always wants to be around me now. she wants to go to lunch with me every time i meet one of my friends, she wants to go running with me, she invites me to go to all these meetings. i don't know how she knew iwas going to be at lunch today, but she just showed up. she even said to me how she remembered how i was talking about some friends i eat lunch with sometiems, and she wanted to eat lunch with us too.

it's fine if she were to come sometimes, but i feel like she's just too much right now. like, i want her and him to live their own life and i don't want to hear about all the details from him, and i don't want to feel like i'm her best friend all the time. i know that last part sounds mean, and maybe i'm a mean person, but how do i get her to to just be my friend in a normal way and not crowd my space without being harsh? and how do i get him to 1) quit dating girls and learn to be alone for a while? he wasn't datin gsomeone for 2 weeks adn then had to get back into it, signs of a very weak person. and 2) quit expecting me to always listen to details, i literally get probably 50 emails a day from him, it's quite distracting.

[itsallgrand]

Tell them the truth. lol. It's not hard. I swears.

 

Watch:

You are worried about being a 'mean person'?

That's funny.

 

Did you read what you wrote? You wrote:

He is weak and you were not interested in him bc of his character (dealing with his ex). So you help arrange for this 'girl with low self confidence' who showed interest to meet him.

You really must not like her!

 

That's okay. Except why let them believe you want to be their friends and then speak about them this way?

 

Be upfront. If you don't care for someone's company, politely refuse offers to spend time together. Do not respond to continual calls and sit there listening when you don't want to. If someone shows up somewhere they were not invited to see you, politely tell them you are busy and do not appreciate it.

 

And it really isn't your call to 'make' this guy stop dating. You shouldn't even be thinking about that. It's none of your business.

 

Take care.

[Heretic]

Hey Gradle,

 

Listen this guy just sounds like he's trying to make you jealous. It could mean he likes you, but probably, more likely, he just likes getting a rise out of you. Treat it as such, simply dismiss it. If it don't want to come out and say "Stop telling me all these details." then just change the subject. Actually getting him to stay single... you really can't do that, unless you actively sabotage his relationships. A seriously bad move you don't want to make.

 

If the woman you work with is giving you problems and you feel like she is stalking you, be a bit more assertive about it. I understand you don't want to hurt her feelings but maybe you could introduce her to a few other people so she can "spread the love". This way it takes the pressure off you and maybe she can find someone who WANTS to spend 24/7 with her.

 

Really at this point in time this is the best insight and advice I have.

 

I hope this helps.

[gradle]

oh! itsall grand!

it's not like i want to be their fake friend! i just am a very independent person, and i've never liked having one person around me all the time *except if it's my ex boyfriend, but he's the only one ever!

i do like her as a person. and i didn't technically set them up, she invited him to her party, he just wasn't going to go unless i went, he probably didn't want to go unless he knew other people. and i did end up going, so i brought him too. he had mentioned she had been flirting with him, he said he thought maybe she was a little odd, and i said i liked her a lot b/c she's a very smart girl and she's nice, but yeah, she's a little odd. almost all of her emails start with, "i'm so sorry about what i wrote, i hope i didn't say anything to offend you" or when were out that night, the only thing that came out of her mouth was "i'm sorry this night ended up this way, i'm sorry it sucks, blah blah blah" when everyone was having a really good time, and i just had to keep reassuring her it was fine, that's its her night and as long as she's happy, we'd be happy for her. and at the same time, the emails...nothing she wrote before offended me, and often didn't even make sense, she just doesn't think about what she says or writes before she does it, so she comes off very...unorganized and sometiems a little harsh, but i know that, so i can bypass it.

and these are all just thoughts in my head, i've never spoken to anyone else about her. i have about him, mainly b/c he's been innappropriate towards me at work, when he was my trainer.

i like her company, and even his! i just don't like sooo much of it! haven't you ever just spent time with someone that's really nice and perfectly friendly and at the same time wishing you were somewhere else? well just imagine it happening with the same people several times a week b/c they work with you.

and heretic! thanks! that's a very flattering thought, but i don't think he woudl do something like this intentionally. i think he just needs to make some guy friends. i just get frustrated with him, b/c after 2 weeks of being single, all he could talk about was how he missed being in a relationship, and at the first chance, he jumped at it. i realize i can't change his wants, i just wish i coudl .

i think i just need to tell him he needs to find some other friends to discuss some of this stuff with!

i hope i clarified some things, let me know if i've confused you more!

[itsallgrand]

Well, let us know how it goes.

 

Yeah, I do understand perfectly nice people who just get to be 'a bit too much'.

It makes it especially tough bc you work with them. That requires more tact, for sure.

 

Hey, i took some shots in the dark, but perhaps it helped to clarify your feelings and true intent in the situation?

that's all I hope, and that it works out for you well.

 

You can do it. believe me, they will appreciate your candor in the end.