When Someone say they love me what I hear

[Felix055]

Is, "I love you and now I claim the right to take advantage of you, use and abuse you, and if you complain or attempt to stop me I will not love you."

So please, if you are reading this, don't tell me that you love me, because I don't think anyone on the face of this earth knows what "love" is. I know I don't. I guess that I am finally being honest about it. I don't know what love is. I don't have a clue as to how to love and I most certanly do not know how it feels to be loved.

 

At the age of 50, when I look in the mirror, what I see is a person who is totally lost, a wasted a ruined life. I see a terribly underweight, graying and balding, crooked toothed homely little man. I see a losers face. I see a guy who tried with the best intentions to make those who claimed to love him, and those he claimed to love, to love him to be happy with him as he is and happy that he loves them as they are. It has never been enough, my love has never been good enough for anyone. Of course, how on earth could I even imagine that I could fill all those black holes in others when I can't even

fill the black hole within me. No matter how hard I try. And now I am getting sucked into my own black hole and there is no turning back. Nothing and no one can get me out of this. It is just way too late.

 

I've certainly have made my mistakes and wrong choices and for those I have no one to blame but myself.

 

I'm tired, really tired. I would love to lay down and go to sleep and never wake up again.

 

Before anyone writes to tell me to go seek out a mental health pro my experience with them isn't all that great either. For example; the psychiatrist who diagnosed me as being bi-polar, who then convinced me that our work together would be better served if I gave him weekly massages. (I've been a deep tissue bodyworker) When I realized that he was getting more from me than I was from him and voiced that view he said that all bi-polars disagree with the diagnosis and treatment - litium and giving my doc back rubs. Later he decided that I wasn't bi-polar after all - I was just suffering from migaine headaches - which was actually a badly infected wisdom tooth. Or, the therapist who, when he realized that he could get me to get ecstasy for him, decided that it was time for us to "terminate our theraputic realtionship and begin our "social" relationship. At a time when I thought I was making the most in roads on getting to the deeper reasons for my depression. And when the SHTF he scurried for cover denying it all. There have been others - more or less jerks too.

 

You see I don't think anyone has a handle on it. We can pump ourselves full of drugs both legal and illegal it doesn't change anything - it is what is and will always be so. But what I see is humans being humans. We are by nature greedy creatures. We never do anything unless we percieve that it is in our interests to do so and most of the time I think we are wrong about our intrests. We don't really know what our interest really are. An example also would be the idea of unconditional love. It would be nice if it were true but it is not. When ever I told someone that I loved them unconditionally I was lying. I was only saying that because it sounds good and gives me a sense of superiority. I have not got a clue as to what it is all about and neither does anyone else.

 

So for the last few days I've been getting ideational. Thinking about it planning it.

[robowarrior]

I love you and having being suicidal myself, i can assure you that no matter how deep a soul has fallen, there is ALWAYS a way out. Its that tiny spark of light as seen in your avatar which is the end of the tunnel of darkness. You see

 

What you lack is this. You don't Love yourself, you don't believe in yourself, you don't support yourself. You see the difference between a loser and a winner is that a winner does all of those 3 things above mentioned. Persistance is the key to succes.

 

Nothing in the universe can make you happy exept loving and helping other people. thereforeeee if you start loving and helping other people, you will become happy yourself, and the holes in your life will be filled.

 

You see the universe acts like a mirror, whatever you cast in it , will be reflected back on you. So if you love and help others, then your life will become filled with love and life.

 

When you look in the mirror you see a balding , a person who is lost , who ruined his life, and a terribly underweight, graying and balding, crooked toothed homely little man.

 

Next time you look in the mirror you should see a loving,helping person, who doesn't give a damn about how he looks, because he at least tries to make the best of his life, what matters isn't that you win or lose in life, what matters is that you push thru.

 

You see the worst thing you can do in life is throwing the towel into the ring, if you commit suicide , you'll only get reincarnated and will have to go thru all the pain AGAIN, up till that point that you commited suicide, and will have to push thru somehow anyway. So the idea that you could 'escape' like that is wrong, there is no easy way out, there is no short cut to heaven. You will have to walk all of the stairs that lead to it.

 

Here's a near-death experience of someone who commited suicide that you should read.

 

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at least read the above one, the second one is a better way of life, and the third one is a book that saved me from suicide.

[PRSOV]

Felix555,

I would just like to express my personal opinion to what you have written above...

 

You have gone into great detail about your life, the fact that you have made so many mistakes, life has treated you bad, taking drugs isn't going to help you and that you are too far into life to make it any better... what good does this negativity have? what kind of impact do you expect it to have on yourself? What are you trying to achieve from writing such a thing...

 

Now I am not trying to be hypocritical here but two years ago I was in a car accident, luckily the four of us in the car all survived. I was in hospital for ten days in intensive care and I was that close to dying. I was on my schoolies graduation holiday and as I nearly lost my spleen which is a vital organ of the body I almost lost my career in aviation to become a pilot which I had so desperately wanted for so many years... Also losing my spleen could have led to the development of cancer later on in life. I fought it, I have believed in myself and I am finally where I want to be in my life... and your complaining because you don't know what love is?

 

It really disappoints me that there are people on this forum especially young teens posting on here that they are tired of life and how they are going to kill themselves. Where is your strength? Do you not have any moral... I fail to see all of this. There are people dying all around the world, that would give anything for the chance of living in any form they can... yet there are still selfish insecure individuals that don't even have it in themselves to address their own personal issues... we all go through it, it's all a part of life that we have to deal with. I have been through my fair share of sh** but I have learnt from the experience and moved on with my life.

 

I strongly believe that life is a challenge, some people achieve more... some don't... we all have our personal goals that we need to set within reach, we all have our destiny's in life.

 

You need to believe in yourself and stop being negative within yourself, as if you dont do that, you will never learn to love yourself. You need to love yourself before you can even think of loving others... and more importantly if you don't, you will never accept yourself.

 

You will only be used, abused by "I love you" if you let it... life is there, go get it

[becallamjr]

So how will you do it? Do you really believe that noone cares about you? You're a fool if you do. I'm half your age and I am bi-polar. I live with it everyday and it is a struggle, but the fact is I strive to continue this existence. I do not feel sorry for you and since I don't know you I can't say if I like you or not, but what I can tell you is you are not lost, yet. I do the meds because I'm a * * * *ing nut job without them. I have come to terms with my sickness and you need to do the same. OR just end it and quit your complaining.