Me first?

[Momene]

This is one of these BBC board type questions. Most of the older generations (including me) tend to believe in lifetime commitment or, as a minimum, at least staying together until the kids grow up. However, many people, especially younger ones, say that this is wrong thinking and that people should leave relationships or jobs they are not happy in, even if it affects other people in a bad way. Someone on the BBC board said that by staying in a lukewarm marriage and a job I hate just so it can keep the roof over my head that I am setting a bad example to my daughter.

 

Should a person keep their commitments or should they put themselves first, no matter who gets hurt? What has affected your decision to answer one or another?

[ShaKe__]

Wow,I've been thinking about the same thing lately Doesn't it seem selfish to leave a relationship just because You are not happy? I somehow believe that things can be fixed,if both sides are willing to do it.But people tend to give up.Just like in the part of the forum called Suicide,people just decide to give up.I could write about this for an eternity,but I know you'll get bored If you're not willing to fight 'till the end for a relationship,just don't start it.The world is such a miserable place with all these hearts broken.

[Goodfun88]

I firmly believe you should do everything in your power to save a marriage. Just because it has become lukewarm doesn't mean it can't be more. If after some time with both parties trying to fix it, or feeble attempts by one party, its not fixable, you should end it. As far as a job, I know I would never stay in a job I hated. Sure you might have to till you get a job offer, but theres no way I'm going to stay doing something I hate for the rest of my life. Maybe thats because I'm part of a younger generation. Who knows. I have no job loyalty whatsoever though.

[RayKay]

This is one of these BBC board type questions. Most of the older generations (including me) tend to believe in lifetime commitment or, as a minimum, at least staying together until the kids grow up. However, many people, especially younger ones, say that this is wrong thinking and that people should leave relationships or jobs they are not happy in, even if it affects other people in a bad way. Someone on the BBC board said that by staying in a lukewarm marriage and a job I hate just so it can keep the roof over my head that I am setting a bad example to my daughter.

 

Should a person keep their commitments or should they put themselves first, no matter who gets hurt? What has affected your decision to answer one or another?

 

I do firmly believe in lifetime commitment, and doing everything together you can to nourish and heal a relationship. I just don't believe that every relationship is meant to be for life.

 

However, I do not agree with staying together for the kid's sake. Kids KNOW when their parents are not happy, they sense it in every way. And often all they learn from it is what their expectations of marriage should be. No I do not think you should leave just because you are bored, but I do think that if you are miserable together, and you have tried many routes to repair it with no success (ie therapy/marital counselling, etc)

 

My parents divorced when I was 7. I still remember their marriage well. My father cheated on my mum several times, but I did not know this until much later - but what I DID know was they were not happy - that my mother was sad, crushed. They went their separate ways, and both moved on to other relationships. My mum and my stepfather have been together 20 years, and THEY are a strong, healthy, beautiful relationship. They are together definitely for EACH other, not for the kids. And we as children, and adults, knew that.

 

On the other side, I have dated two men in my life that came from parents whom were still together - had been married for 30ish years each. And they confessed, that sometimes they wondered if their parents should not have parted long ago because they always sensed there was unhappiness there, there was no cheating, or abuse, but two very unhappy people, often at least one of whom was more miserable then the other. It was not healthy, and the kids knew that, and I don't think it had them grow up any better off for having had their parents stay together. It gave them somewhat jaded views on relationships, and does affect them. One of them in some ways always feared that he would make me miserable as his own father made his mother - not with abuse or cheating, but just by not letting his mother be the woman she was.

 

As for jobs, I feel the same way. I feel that if you have the power to change it, do it. I am going back to Law this upcoming fall because I am not ready to feel as unchallenged and miserable in my job as I do. The fact is that job security in itself is not even what it used to be. There are few places that one will stay for life in anymore, and I don't see anything wrong with breaking out of the comfort zone to pursue something that will bring you more fulfillment and satisfaction. Some people do stay in one company all their lives and love it, and that opportunity is there, but I would rather take the risk at trying something new then stay miserable in one place. I am currently very unhappy where I am - unchallenged and unfulfilled, and at 26, I am NOT prepared to stay here another 5 years, let alone almost 40!

 

I suppose in this sense my decisions to do that have also been influenced by my mother, whom went back to school after the divorce to further her education and to find a better paying and more satisfying job.

[Momene]

If I relate my own experience, there have always been challenges in our marriage but we were happy as a couple for 15 years. 2 years ago my wife went from wanting to be joined at the hip to very independent almost overnight and I didn't have time to adjust. Things have got better since. I'm not miserable, overall, but am sometimes. Although I still love her, there's this overall feeling that it's somewhat not as fulfilling as I'd like it to be and I feel closer to my daughter because we're more similar and both more easy going. The job really has gone through the same cycle. I'm looking and I'm also writing but (as yet) do not make nearly enough to give up the day job or even go part-time. Changing without waiting for something of similar income would mean giving up the house and moving into rented accommodation and being in my 50s that decision would be irreversible. There just aren't many high paid jobs in our area and with a debt the size of a planet, there's not much choice.

 

In fact, it was my work problems that appeared to make my wife withdraw.

 

If your parents divorced at 7 did it permanently damage your relationship with your dad?

[RayKay]

Well I don't suggest quitting a job before you find something else! Even I don't do that

 

If your parents divorced at 7 did it permanently damage your relationship with your dad?

 

We don't have a good relationship - but I would not say it's the divorce that did that. I don't think it's a fair example, because I have seen a lot of friends with divorced parents whom have great relationships with both parents. How things ended were really my father's choice. And honestly, he is one of those people I will NEVER understand. But he is not a great example of the results of the divorce - rather a better example of being an absent father.

 

He got married to his mistress soon after the divorce, and started another family, and kinda did not put much effort in with his 'old family'. My mother encouraged our relationship with him, but he was well, not very responsible. I don't want to get very much into it, but let's just say he is pretty absent and I hear from him once a year.

 

I think he will regret it one day...but sadly in a lot of ways so will we. When he found out my mum was sick, my mum told me "that no matter what happened, he was never to come near her". She is not angry at him for what he did to her, just angry for what him not being there for us even when she encouraged it, and made it easier for him to be there for us...honestly, I just feel really really sad for him as he missed out on a lot of love, and knowing the wonderful people his kids are.

 

But honestly, I don't blame that relationship on the divorce at all. If my parents had stayed together, my mother would of been so unhappy and defeated, and most of all - lonely. Them splitting up let my mum find a healthy, positive relationship, and that has given us a great "model" of sorts, and an idea of what we DO deserve. I don't know it is hard to explain, but it was much better and healthier for them to have gone their separate ways then lived a marriage half-lived which would of affected us all.

 

Of course, your relationship is entirely different - there is no cheating, it just sounds like a lot of loneliness and sadness, I would not say it's unrepairable if you both want it. But, I would also say that it sounds like you have a positive relationship with your children, and I don't think you lose that just because you separate. Like I said, I have many friends whom have wonderful relationships with both their parents, even if they are divorced.

[KweenofDenyl]

My parents divorced when I was 13. My mother was quite miserable and my father was a jerk. Both had their issues, of course, but it was for the best and even at 13 I could see that. It was actually a relief.

 

As RayKay pointed out, job security isn't what it used to be- for her in the great white North or for me here in the States- it's hard to be loyal to a company that doesn't take good care of it's employees or encourage longevity and most don't because they don't want to pay health insurance or retirement benefits. I watched both of my parents go through it and now myself. It does feel a bit like "me first", but on the other hand, if YOU don't look out for you, who will?

 

I think daily about going back to college (never finished) but the main obstacle in my mind is what about my kids and providing for them? Is it fair to them to spend a few years going seriously without to make it better in the long run? I really don't know...

[Momene]

I'd probably get slated for this but kids only get one chance at childhood. Unless it's something like sport or modelling that is age-sensitive, most adults can hold their dreams until the kids grow up.

 

I'm not a hero for putting my daughter first, just a dad.

[KweenofDenyl]

I'd probably get slated for this but kids only get one chance at childhood. Unless it's something like sport or modelling that is age-sensitive, most adults can hold their dreams until the kids grow up.

 

I'm not a hero for putting my daughter first, just a dad.

 

It's not about a "dream" for me--it's about basic survival. My struggle is deciding whether to go from high-end poverty to low-end poverty temporarily to ultimately achieve the ability to pay for my kids to have braces and college. It's not because I'm just unfufilled with my life.

 

Kids know when their parents are unhappy.

[melrich]

Momene,

 

I agree that staying together for the children is often counter-productive. Your marriage sounds like it is salvagable. I wonder if it is not your job that is the main problem. If one large part of your life is not satisfactory (your job) that will have a significant impact on your happiness in all other parts of your life.

 

If I were in your shoes and choosing between a job that I hated and living below the standard I was accustomed to I think I'd go for the lower standard of living. There are more important things in life than the material things we build around us. In fact in times of family crisis you realise just how unimportant material wealth is.

[Momene]

Momene,

 

I agree that staying together for the children is often counter-productive. Your marriage sounds like it is salvagable. I wonder if it is not your job that is the main problem. If one large part of your life is not satisfactory (your job) that will have a significant impact on your happiness in all other parts of your life.

 

If I were in your shoes and choosing between a job that I hated and living below the standard I was accustomed to I think I'd go for the lower standard of living. There are more important things in life than the material things we build around us. In fact in times of family crisis you realise just how unimportant material wealth is.

In my case, it's a trade off. As I've aged, I'm less bothered about luxury than I used to be. In my/our case, it's not a case of having a lot of social and hobby spending and cutting down. We just don't have that kind of spending, except for one hobby that I pay for by writing about it. Cutting down further would mean moving to a cheaper home or even giving up home ownership completely, which can't ever be regained in my case (I'm 51).

 

In England, moving house is a very stressful business and I'm not capable of handling a house move while working full-time.

 

I've learned to cope with work much better in the last 2 years but there's still this underlying lack of fulfillment and sense of achievement but then my main reason for doing it isn't that but to be the family breadwinner.