Mid-life crisis or what?

[Veronique]

Hi! I need some advice to help me sort out my feelings and actions. 15 years ago I had a brief affair with a man that I felt I really loved. I was married, young, had 3 children and didn't leave my marriage. After the affair ended I never had contact with the man until 9 months ago when I saw his name on link removed. I emailed him and have been in contact with him off and on since. At the time of the affair 15 years ago my marriage was terrible; we argued all of the time, my husband had been physically abusive in the early years of our marriage but had gone through treatment for alcoholism and hadn't been abusive to me since. I stayed because I wanted my kids to grow up in the same house as their father (dumb choice) and because I was stupid enough to believe my mother when she said I wouldn't find anyone who would treat me better. But, the strange thing is that for the 6 years before I initiated contact with my former lover I thought I was pretty happily married. We didn't argue, we traveled, did things together. Physically our sex was great but I never had sex mentally with my husband - it was always someone else or some kind of fantasy. If I tried to make myself focus on the fact that I was actually having sex with my husband I wouldn't get aroused at all.

So here's my confusion. I left my husband for about 5 months this spring hoping to rekindle a romance with the former lover. That didn't happen - the former lover is very cautious, having just gotten divorced and didn't eant to go into a relationship with me while I am married. We met for coffee one time but other than that we haven't seen each other. I know he has feelings for me and I definitely have some feelings for him. I moved home for the summer because I missed my house and yes, things my husband offered me - like companionship and acceptance. But, I still feel empty inside, think about the lover all of the time and still have issues with sex. Has anyone else out there experienced any of this? Does anyone have any good suggestions to help me to decide to leave or stay in my marriage?

[kdreger]

Some might argue that you should stay for this and that but honestly, only you know.

 

When you're laying in bed, in the dark in the middle of the night, do you feel happy? Or do you feel lonely? Do you wonder: is this it? Is this the best my life is going to get? Do you wish you were someone else?

 

Life can be so much better than that. Life can be passionate and beautiful when you're with someone that lights that inner fire. When was the last time that you thought of someone and your heart raced. Where you looked forward to seeing them and your heart ached.

 

I think you know the answer to your question - you just have to have the courage to face it.

[saber]

Veronique,

 

Being 40 myself and after reading your post I really don't feel you are having a mid-life crisis. You are just unhappy in your marriage, which in a lot of cases can lead to having an affair no matter what your age may be. You had an affair 15 years ago, and you weren't in mid life at that point in your life.

 

You should never leave someone for someone else. If you are not happy with your marriage than base your decision on that and not on the fact of pursuing another relationship. Then on that decision and after ample time you can start pursuing other relationships, or better yet the right ones will just happen, but simply just seperating to see if something else could work out, is never a good idea, and is not fair to your husband, since it seems he is a saftey net for you.

 

One thing for sure, you deserve to be happy, search your heart and if you don't think your husband can make you happy, it is only fair to yourself and him to allow yourself to experience the greatness of a fulfilling relationship.

 

The fact that you have always thought of others when making love to your husband pretty much tells that you are not in love with him and possibly have no chemistry with him at all, which is imperative for any relationship.

 

I have been through a lot myself and most of what I speak of is from experience. When I read your post I could relate to some of the things you had mentioned and felt compelled to comment. (I usually don't post on forums) I hope this advice helps. Good Luck!