seeking advice: is my relationship headed for disaster?

[starfly82]

I am going to try and keep this as short as I can...try being the key word.

 

I have been with my g/f C for 9 months. Things in the beginning were great...perhaps we were just in the "honeymoon" stage of things. Right from the beginning, however C struggled with the thought of commitment (she had previously been in a polytype relationship). She commited to me, meaning that I would be the only one she would date, have sex with, ect...

 

This has been my first long term relationship, me being 23. C has been in several relationships, and was once engaged, she being 31.

 

We live about an hour away from one another, so I travel on weekends so we can spend time with one another..which I think works well for us. She works at the college I will be attending in the fall which means we will be living in the same town. She feels, however that some of the decisions that I have made in the not so distant past have been becaue of her....like going to school where she works just to be close to her, or buying the new car I bought just because she liked it. She feels that if I am unsucessful at school, or the car I bought turns into a piece of * * * *, that I will blame it on her. She says she feels so much pressure from it. Another problem is that she thinks that I think into the future too much and that I make such a big deal when it comes to our month "anniversaries". I guess I do like to look into the future and think of her in it...but I guess it is hard for her to do the same....she wants to enjoy the "here and now" with me, take it as it comes I suppose. Just makes me wonder if she even thinks of me being in her future

 

She also has a hard time saying that she loves me...she says she does, but she struggles to utter the phrase. She says that she has said it when it meant nothing, or lost it's meaning and has been hurt, and she has said when it did mean something and has been hurt. So she just doesn't say it to me at all. I don't know, maybe she has some unresolved feeling from her past relationships....I don't know, but it just truly puzzles me...maybe it shouldn't bother me...because they are only words....but it does.

 

She made me promise not to "settle" with her because of me thinking that I wouldn't be able to be with someone or find someone else. It all just makes me think that she has no thought of us staying together...that she thinks we are going to break up...it being only a matter of time.

 

I fell for her hard, and I tend to wear my heart on my sleave, and with her it is the opposite. Shes guarded, said she has only been in love once, and that was with her ex-fiance V (and that relationship ended because she was afraid of the commitment, and couldn't go through with being married) so she told me anyway. So she ran from it. Maybe deep down C is still in love with V. (V lives overseas)Which is maybe why she has such problems with seeing me in her future, and expressing her love (if there truly is any) for me.

 

I am in such agony over this and I don't know what to do. I am in love with this woman, but it pains me to know that she isn't in love with me or at least it doesn't feel like it.....will it come over time? I don't know. Should I just go with the flow and let things work themselves out. Should I try and talk to to C about her possibly still having feelings for V or maybe someone else...I just don't want to keep putting the effort into this relationship if she is dreaming of being with someone else....I could just really use some advice...so if any of you have any to offer i would so greatly appreciate it, and if not I thank you for taking the time to read about my problem.

L

[Cadence308]

After reading your thread I can understand why you are feeling hurt. You are really feeling insecure within your relationship since your gf makes no indication that she sees a future with you, can't tell you that she loves you, and is worried that you are going to blame her for doing things in your life. You should have a heart to heart talk with her about the way that you've been feeling. It sounds to me like it's a problem with the big commitment.

 

You need to find out if she is just with you to pass the time, just to be with someone, or if she actually feels something for you. If it's not the latter, she should let you go so that you can move on and be happy with someone else. It appears as though you are the one making all of the sacrifices in the relationship. Maybe don't try so hard and see if she gives her 50%. If she doesn't then you have your answer.

 

GL and keep us posted!

[Tigris]

Do you think it's possible that she thinks she's going to stop you from doing better things with your life if you keep doing things because you think it'll make her happy etc?

 

She may think you have a better opportunity at another school? It could be that she thinks her colleagues will resent her having a relationship with a 23 year old female student?

 

There's only her that knows what's going on in her head. I suggest you talk to her.

 

Good luck

[guesswho]

I won't bore you with the details, but I think I know exactly where you're coming from because the woman I am with has some of the same issues. I've found the best strategy is to play it cool sometimes.

 

If you really want to stay with this woman you need to stop wearing your heart on your sleeve so often and let her come to you once in a while. Don't let her know your world revolves around her (even if you feel like it does) because people like her can see that as pressure or a form of responsibility they aren't comfortable with.

 

Answer this....could part of your intense attraction or need for her be coming from the fact that she feels just out of your reach? Maybe you can get some of that same longing from her in return if you back off enough to make her notice. It's common knowledge people want what they can't have and right now it sounds like you may be too obtainable and being taken for granted or almost scaring her.

 

Call/text/e-mail a little less frequently. Be busy once in a while. Act slightly more aloof. Don't talk about the future. Take one day at a time. I'm not suggesting a complete change....make it subtle and see if you notice more interest from her.

 

I am giving you the benefit of learning from my mistakes. My girlfriend and I have been off and on a few times....much of it due to circumstances (long story....I was married, she had trouble accepting she may be gay), but part of it due to me making some of the mistakes you may be making. Once I started to read up a little on relationships and make some changes we've been back together and pretty happy for close to a year now.

 

It's not perfect--I still feel a little unappreciated once in a while and wish she could be a little more loving and affectionate at times....but those are the times I back off a little and make her come to me--and it seems to work.

 

I know some people will say you shouldn't have to play games and they may be right, but right now I love her enough to play in the hopes that as time goes on things will improve. Besides, I recognized that part of our problem was me needing to change to make the relationship more healthy.

 

Anyway, I hope it works for you.....I'm not an expert.....just trying to give you some ideas that helped me.

[starfly82]

Thank you all for the imput into my situation. It is much appreciated.

 

I think a lot has gone on for C and I since I first posted. For one we had 2 very serious arguments. The content of them all centered around me and all of the bad habits that I bring into the relationship. I have some anger issues, I'm a bit codependant, I lack self confidence/esteem, I'm not communicating, I lie. All of these things are true. It was almost like an ultimatum argument. I recognize that all of these behaviors are potentially going to sabotage our relationship. I told her that I wanted to change this behavior not just for her and our relationship, but for my mental and physical well being. I need to do it for me.

 

I wrote her an email last night telling her that I needed some space to figure things out and that I am doing this to not shut her out, but to help let her in. She interpreted that as me wanting to break up with her, which was not what I was doing.

 

She is, as well as I am, going through a transitioning period in her life. She has a problem with being settled in one place for to long. She has been in this state for two years now and she is beginning to get antsy. She is also at a crossroads with her career as well. She has to decide if wants to stay wth the job she has or explore the new possible jobs in front of her (which could mean relocation) I feel like because of all of my crap that could not be there in a way that she needed me to support her, so I suggested that maybe she needed space from me as well to help her figure things out. In other words I felt that I was contributing to all the stress she has in her life.

 

And then there is her ex-fiance, which she never likes to talk about with me. Why? Because I suspect that she still has feelings for her, even after 4 years.

I went to C's apartment one day (she was expecting me) and when I arrived I found an envelope with writing all over it. I know I probably shouldn't have read it but I did. She mentioned her ex, V, and how when she visions happiness she sees herself being with V in Greece (which is where V is from). She wrote that she starts to run away when she sees the happiness "far away", and she mentions that as time goes by that vision fades, but that it is still there. How she feels empty without her. That it rips her insides out, and she askes if there is a cure, and questions whether or not she even wants that feeling to go away.

 

As I was reading it my heart was completely shattered. When she got home I was sitting on the floor next to the table where the piece of paper with the writing on it was. I lead on like I had never even read it. She then just tossed in on a pile of papers, hiding it from me. This was all quite a few weeks ago, and it has been eating at me ever since, and I don't know what to do.

 

In the email I wrote her I asked if when she thought of being happy with someone if she saw my face, or someone elses, or no ones face at all. I asked her if she was with me because she wanted to be in a caring, loving, and comitted relationship, or if she was with me because of the compassion she has for me (compassion being something she feels she has for many other people, one of her virtues).

 

When we talked today (because I sent the email last night) she didn't say anything about the things I asked her. She centered things on me, kept thinking I wanted to break up with her. She doesn't want the attention on her..and everytime I try she gets all on the defense and turns it into somekind of problem with me and the way I am acting.

 

I just don't know what to do, but I know that I cannot compete with the feelings that she obviously still has for V. I just want to call her out on it, I want to hear it from her. But I am afraid. I love this woman even through all of this. I would do anything for her. But I cannot be with her if she is only with me because she pittys me and wants to help, or to just fill a void, just to be someone to have sex with. I don't want to be with her if all she does is think about being with someone else that she may never be able to have.

 

It is truly coming to a point where I cannot sleep. I have no appitite, and my stomach is always upset. I am so desprite for advice. Anything anyone has to offer, good or bad, please offer it to me. thanks for bearing with me.

L

[Tigris]

You can't solve this problem by sending emails backwards and forwards. You've got to sit down and talk to each other and find out exactly what the two of you want out of this relationship and where you think it's heading. You've both got to be honest with each other even if it hurts.

[starfly82]

I think you are absolutely right. I need to sit down and talk to her, face to face, and figure things out.