Not just a porn question

[sharkgirl]

I have a problem with my boyfriend looking at porn, but... I think it... actually I pretty much KNOW it is because I have problems with my self esteem that are due to my bad sexual past and other issues dealing with my body image. It's not that it bothers me that he looks at it because I don't think looking at it is wrong, hell I look myself sometimes. But what hurts so much is that the second I find that he does look at it, I feel like I am not good enough, not pretty enough, not giving him enough and that he has to look elsewhere to find what's lacking with us. And I know this is not really the case! I don't know what to do to get over this because I have put pressure on him in the past and it has caused a riff and he hides it now which hurts much much more than him looking at it. I want to be one of those girls that doesn't sweat the small stuff like this. We have a great sex life, I am never lacking for it. I just don't want to feel like I am not good enough. Please, if anyone has any decent advice to give. How can I feel better about myself? My problems have never stemmed from not knowing what my problems are, they come from not knowing how to fix them. I want the trust back in our relationship. He is a good guy and he deserves to feel comfortable about looking at porn, it never hurts our relationship and he is far from being an addict.

 

Help me please...

[pimpcess]

Hey Sharkgirl whassup,

 

It is a tough sitch u got there, obviously ur lacking security in yourself, and he must know that as he's hidin the porn, which shows he cares, but I really feel the situation would get better with lots of communication!! Talk to him, tell him the words u said in the post, if u cant do it face 2 face write him a letter, if he's the great guy u say he is he will reassure u why he does it and how he loves u 4 u!!

 

And this guy that u say is so sweet and caring is with u right?? Your the one with this man!!

You've obviously gotta lot goin 4 u!! So talk. I dont think u can be truly happy within a relationship if ur not happy with yourself, so work on it together as a team, u'll get there, and it'll be worth it!

 

Good luck

[fenstrt]

if you have a great sex life, then he's not going other places to get the sex. Don't worry about the porn, cause he's looking at you when you're together. some guys, me included, just like to look. I mean, when I was with my ex, she would get upset when I would look, and I explained to her, and I meant it, when I look at that, I see girls that look good, but when I look at you, I see a girl that looks great. just cause he's looking at someone else doesn't mean he doesn't think you look bad. if he's still turned on enough by you to give you a great sex life, then don't worry!

[pimpcess]

Well said...!

[sharkgirl]

I mean, when I was with my ex, she would get upset when I would look, and I explained to her, and I meant it, when I look at that, I see girls that look good, but when I look at you, I see a girl that looks great.

 

Thanks for this, it actually made me cry. A good kind of crying. Oh god, I just don't want to be so hurt by all this and deep down inside I know I shouldn't, but I still am. The first thing I have changed is not to let him know because I want him to feel comfortable about it all. I don't want him to feel guilty because I really don't think it is wrong, I just can't claim to fully understand it.

 

Actually let me correct that, I am starting to understand it because he feels threatened by the idea of me having a vibrator and I have wanted one for a while now (we just moved in together about 8mnths ago and I used to have one and I miss it). Well now that he has come out about his porn viewing (he lied for awhile and said he didn't do that stuff anymore). I feel that I should have a vibe, it's the same type of thing. I didn't get one for a while because I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable about it, but I really got cheated in this deal don't you think?

 

Thank you both for your help. We have been talking about it together for the past 4 days and I think it's time to lay off for a bit now and try to concentrate on controlling my thoughts. I am convinced that every time I am out of the house that is what he does and I still can't claim that doesn't bother me. Ugh, will it ever end???

[glassbell]

I understand that when your boyfriend watches porn, you feel bad because it makes you feel not good enough. I think it is best to help yourself by eliminating the source of your bad feeling, which is the belief 'I am not good enough'. A belief is almost always comes from early experiences.

My ex-fiance is a DM facilitator, he works with people who want to eliminate beliefs to break through certain behaviour or thought patterns. Perhaps the process he uses can help you out, I'll copy and paste the questionnaire underneath. It is a series of questions, and however simple it seems, just try taking your time, because this process has changed many many people's lifes. It teaches you that you are the creator of your life and can change your behavioural patterns wheneever you like.

 

-Ask yourself: Where did the belief, I am not good enough, come from? What are your earliest experiences (before 10 years old preferably) that led you to forming that belief?

-Is it real to you that those early experiences are the source of your belief?

-Can you see that when you formed your belief, the evidence seemed to justify that interpretation, in other words, it was a reasonable conclusion to reach? (i hope your answer will be yes)

-Can you also see that most people at that age probably would have reached the same conclusion that you did?

 

Your belief is one logical interpretation for the early experiences. What other reasonably interpretations, other than "i am not good enough" can you make now about the same events? Try think of at least 5.

 

-Now that you see that there are other possible interpretations, is the belief you formed at the time "the truth" or only one interpretation of what you experienced?

-Didn't it seem at the time you formed the belief "I am not good enough" that you actually 'saw' it in the world, that you discovered it as a 'fact' in the world?

-Did you ever 'really' see in the world "I am not good enough", could you touch it, or point to it, did it have a colour or shape? (your answer is obviously, no)

-What exactly DID you see? (your answer is a description of the actual events that have caused your belief, what specific people did, said.)

-What does it REALLY mean that people did or said those specific things at that time in your life? What is its inherent meaning? (if you think about it.. there is no inherent meaning, right?)

-If your belief was never "out there in the world" to be seen, where has it been all these years? (only in your mind, right?)

-Is it real to you now that, instead of actually 'seeing' in the world what you believe to be 'the truth', you saw various things happen and heard various people say things, and that the only place the belief "I am not good enough" has ever existed has been as an INTERPRETATION IN YOUR MIND?

-Please now say the belief 'I'm not good enough' out loud. Is it the truth? Does it sound as real to you as it did before? (hopefully it doesn't..)

 

I don't know if you have understood this, I know I didn't believe in this whole process at first because it seemed too obvious to me, I hated it! And then it turned out it had actually helped me. For more information, you can surf to the website of the Decision Maker Process ©. -->

link removed

 

(or pm me)

 

Good luck!

~Glassbell

[sharkgirl]

Thank you very much, Glassbell, I shall investigate this further and take time out to really think about these questions. I hope it helps, I am open to just about anything.

 

Thanks.

KT

[sharkgirl]

Someone in another thread suggested taking pictures of myself for him. The picture idea is a good one, I thought of that, but the thing is he has a bit of a fetish for woman with muscles who can lift up their men. I am strong and I can lift him, but my muscles don't stick out like the kind he likes. What do I do then? This is the kind of porn he looks at. This doesn't mean the situation has changed at all does it?

[fenstrt]

another thing that **might** be ok is to look with him???? maybe you could kind of start to get over the fact that he's looking, if the two of you share it. I'm not real sure on this one, maybe the other members can help, but if I were you, I might try this. I personally don't think he should feel threatened b the vibrator. maybe he should share that with you, as long as it's not used all the time, maybe he would be comfortable with you owning it, if the two of you used it once in awhile during foreplay.

[sharkgirl]

Yeah, exactly what I thought we could do. Use both things occasionally in our sex lives. I long to be free from this self torment, I think looking at it with him can help, but I think I've messed that one up a bit because I don't think he is comfy with looking at it with me as he feels guilty for looking at it now. I want to fix this because I think if I looked at it with him I wouldn't hurt because it wouldn't be so mysterious, you know?

 

Thanks Fenstrt, I really like your views on this, you are making me feel sooo much better about the whole thing because you're a guy and all, not that the girls haven't!

[fenstrt]

I don't think he is comfy with looking at it with me as he feels guilty for looking at it now. I want to fix this because I think if I looked at it with him I wouldn't hurt because it wouldn't be so mysterious, you know?

exactly what I thought. the best thing to probably do is to just ask him if he wants to look. I mean, the worst he could say was no, then what happens?? you could try telling him that you look too occasionally, but if he's the jealous type he might be offended the same way you are. maybe it would just be best to sneak up behind him when he's at the comp, and maybe try and steer the sites to your favorite porn??? or maybe if the two of you just talk about it, he would come around.

I think that if you talk to him about it, and he feels guilty now, when you talk to him about looking with him, the guilt will start to fade.

JUST DON'T LET IT GET OUT OF HAND!!!!!!!

(or into his )

[sharkgirl]

Yeah, it's my fault he is not comfortable enough with it, I wasn't always as liberal as I am trying to be now.

 

I think I just have to take things slowly and let him breathe a bit. If he feels I want to talk about it and pressure him too much right now, he won't feel ope to the whole thing. We have a long way to go, trust has diminished, I want to get that back.

 

I can't sneak up on him, he doesn't look when I am home I don't think. I think he longs for me to leave the house then immediately jumps on the computer. I don't know if I should wait to push or get things out int he open now.

[fenstrt]

good idea, just take your time. I was only throwing some ideas out. do what feels right, because that's the best way to go in a relationship. just remember, he is with you, so don't get jealous of some pictures.

you are a beautiful girl, or he wouldn't want you so bad!!!!

[sharkgirl]

Thanks again, you've been really great.

[tkdmask]

As life sheds its seasons of tranquility, sometimes we grow uncomfortable with the change in weather but we adapt. What i mean by this is not for you to adapt to this magazine viewing pleasure, or to allow him to do it on a daily basis, unless you both would like to look, but since you are in a relationship with him, it is important for you to be as honest as possible with him and let him know that this worries you.

 

Let him know that this is bothering you, and be honest about it. If it is not a problem for him then he should listen to you faster than i can get struck by an angry bee when i cut the lawn .

 

 

take it easy, he loves you girl.

[m3chris]

As I read in another forum....you are not scum!! Just remember that. It doesn't matter how many flaws you might have, you should still be treated #1.

 

To be completey honest, it sounds like you are a lot more confident than you say you are. You probably just don't realize it. It sounds like you got a pretty good guy too. If you can work it out with him....and make it through...then chances are your relationship will last!!

[Salty]

omg i am having the same problem right now what i'm doing is i'm watching it with him asking him questions like why are you watching this and it may even feel good to tell him how you would never do that with your body and how it is only for him....those girls may be pretty but one thing they can't give is themselves to him completely and if hes smart he'll love that.

[candy604]

watch porn in moderation, don't go overboard. If he's getting addicted, that's not healthy The thought of a bf getting off on porn diguists me. I tell my bf if i was watching porn and seeing other guy's naked bodies and such, would he appreciate it? of course he felt offended and say no and understood that maybe he should cut down the porn. He hardly watches it though. yay. ( i did get mad a couple of times).

 

why does he have an urge to look at porn if your with him? weird. haha maybe u guys should share one computer so he has to keep it clean or bring some porno mags of only guys and see how he feels about it.

 

I remember i caught my brother and i confronted him but he claimed there were viruses on it so it d/l itself. I laug now, but i actually believed him back then. Sigh..now he's grown out of that phase though lol.