Please Help Me I Feel So Abandoned

[coryanne]

i do not really know why i am writing this. maybe it is because i trully am suicidal or maybe i just want someone to hear me out and actually understand and/or care about what ive been trying to bottle up for so long. i am young and i have a whole life ahead of me, that is what ive heard. but picturing that life ahead of me, all i see is lonliness and sadness and pain. the pain i feel already is too much to bear and i cannot see myself going any further nevermind dealing with it in that "whole life ahead of me".

 

i have battled with depression since i was about 11 or 12 and i am 15 now. i was even sent to a hospital to be treated for depression and self-mutalating myself. in some parts of my life i felt i over came that depression. but it always came back to haunt me. i sit here now in emptiness. i feel like all my feelings have been drained out of me and now i am just numb. ive tried and tried so many times to express these feeling to people but no one has ever really grasped it. a lot of people say that i am just overly dramatic and get too upset about things. i guess in a way that is true but i dont know why i am that way.

 

ive always felt alone and abandoned in my life. my mom has always thrown me around from school to school and home to home because of her boyfriends. that has made me always feel like i just didnt fit in. like a dont have a real home, i am just a wanderer. i was always listening to her screaming matches with her boyfriends and i also dealt with the fear of what they will do to us. that fear came from one of them breaking into our home and another used to beat her and i would sit and listen to it, my room being the one beneath theirs. i feel like i couldnt turn to my mom about those feeling, i felt that way because she had it far worse then i did and i was just being selfish.

 

my dad would never visit me as a kid because he and his wife were too wrapped up in drugs. my whole life i could never convide in him, even when he cleaned up. after i went to the hospital for cutting myself everyone thought it would be best i moved in with my dad. i felt like an outcast there and that no one understood what i was going through. they just never wanted to waste their time getting to know me. i would always fight with them and eventually i was kicked out. now i am back with my mom again.

 

i mean this doesnt sound that bad at all, right? i know. after talking about it i see how pathetic it really is that i wanna die for that. but for some reason im just tore up inside. i know there are so many people out there who are raped and stuff like that who are dealing with things i cant imagine and im here whining to you about this. i must sound pretty pathetic but hey, ive got nothing to lose. people always said the things ive dealt with is nothing to want to die over, but i guess everyone has different limits.

 

i always was harassed in school. people never liked me. they always thought of me as mean because i was this new girl who didnt talk to anyone and they just didnt understand why so i never really got along with anyone. that pretty must happened in all the school districts i went to, some worse than others. when i moved in with my dad after the hospital incident, i went to a school there which basically the same thing happened as in the other schools. at that point it was halfway through 7th grade when i switched there, then i went to 8th then i went to the highschool all in the same distric. i am now in that same highschool.

 

during the summer going into highschool i got set up by my dads wife and her friend to meet her son. he was older, i thought he was so perfect and i instintly fell for him. he became my first love. he had been through situations similiar to mine, he understood me, he promised me a happy life and gave me hope that i wasnt a crappy person and i deserved to be here. i trusted him with everything and no one will really ever get what we had because they see me as too young to feel those things. now i take you to 11 months later where i am writing to you now. he has abandoned me. he has stabbed me in the back, hes left me alone just like everyone else in my life.

 

so now i sit here writing to you wondering exactly why it is i am here. why it is im still alive. ive had suicidal thoughts for as long as i can remember but its growing worse and worse now that this has happened. and to top it off he doesnt even care. i can call him up histerically crying but he wont flinch. i do that with some hope he give me the reassurence that i do deserve to live.. but no one has given that to me. i guess everyone is so sick of me telling them all my pathetic bull. so i ask myself who exactly am i living for? or why i still hold on right this second. when i just want my life to end. call me pathetic for it being over a boy, i dont care but its not just that.. hes just pushed me to this but hes not the total reason. i feel empty and alone and that no one cares that i feel that way.

 

basically i just feel like no ones ever got me or even likes me. call me a statistic or just a cliche teenager but i guess i follow the stereotype. no one will ever get it. i gave my heart completley and wholly to so many people. one of them i shared everything with ive never had that in my entire life and we told eachother everything. now i have no one. so this life i hold on to for some reason, i am questioning it. i am asking myself how much do i really have to live for and why i wasted time writing this, why havent i done it yet. well i dont know why and i dont know exactly what im doing at all. i hold on for some hope. i feel like im waiting for a train that will never come. please tell me i am okay. please tell me im not crazy.

 

 

and all i want is that boy back see weve been rocky for awhile and we always get back together but this time it feels so real. he says that he wasnt to have fun and party and not be tied down.. i feel like i dont even know him.. this is my soulmate!!! and its not like i give him rules or anything.. he could say ohh i wanna do this and id be like okay fine be acts like it cant be fixed and we have to break up over it. i feel like he lied to me this whole time. we used to pinkie promise everyday wed get maried and have kids and i know im 15 but what we have is like unbelievable rare, i know. we were eachothers best friends and gave eachother our virginities and were like siamese twins practically.. were the famous couple at our highschool, thats all people talk about.. were PERFECT. and now he wants to leave he saying that were so rocky that if we continue this way we wont end up together years from now so he wants to stay friends but like its just fights and were always like omg im so sorry i love you and make up... EVERYONE FIGHTS but yeah then says he wants get back together in a couple years.. okay thats crazy. once you go into that awkward transition of not having another person attached to you hip anymore and youre alone and not with that person and you make the transition to friends, what are the odds of POOF just getting back together randomly in a couple years.. i rather us keeps being rocky and eventually break up and things go its coarse then interrupt it and just ruin all chances. hes said this "get back together in a couple years" thing before but he always crawled back but he wont this time i can just tell. and i dream about him every night us kissing and saying oh im so sorry and i wake up in tears becuase its not true.. any advce for me please about my relationship, please?

 

i keep calling him crying and he doesnt seem to wanna comfort me i feel pathetic and i just need advvice on how to handle it and what could get him back. thanks a bunchhh xoxox

 

(sorry for writing a freakin' novel i just need someone so bad.. please!)

[MetalGuitar]

I've sent you an email, please read it.

[lovecrazy]

HI my name is Laura.

 

And I myself have been dealing with depression for close to ten years. I just want you to know you are not alone in anything. Everyone on this site is here for you. And I am sure your family loves you. People make mistakes in life we are only human.

 

My father died when I was 10 I dealt with suicide thoughs at the age of 11. Tried and failed. I am now 22 going on 23.

 

People in school can be mean. I have had so many experiences. I was the smelly kid in class, I didnt care what I looked like or what I did with my life. I acted out in class, talked back to everyone, I understand kids can be very cruel. Have you tried standing up for yourself? Not fighting, just talking with them. Have you tried making friends? If so how?

 

Depression can be a very scary thing. I still deal with it at times. I am sorry you feel so empty,

 

have you tried talking with your father, or with a school counselor, or a teacher?

 

Your problems are a big deal. So dont feel they are unimportatant. They need to be addressed. Is there anyway that maybe you can show you dad your post that you made.

 

I hope you do plan on speaking to a theropist! Please keep us updated.

 

Would it be alright, if I instant messaged you later?

[chigal28]

Coryanne,

I sent you an e-mail as well....

 

-CG

[lovecrazy]

Darling-

 

These upperclassmen, are just jealous...tell them to go eat a toad...or something!

 

I will Im you when I get home from work....

 

I honestly would consider, going back to see a therapist, it helped me alot.

 

I learned that life is worth living. And that people do actually care about me. People in high school dont realize how stupid they are when they pick on others. It is hurtful....and I am very glad to hear you stick up for yourself. Seniors and Juniors in the high school where I went to were stupid. I got into so many fights, which I dont suggest by any means. Fighting doesnt solve anything.

 

You have to try and ignore it. I did, and eventually it died down, if they know it bothers you, then they will continue. Just try and ignore them. Or you can tell on them. But usually that causes more problems!

[hazlcha]

i mean this doesnt sound that bad at all, right? i know.

 

No, it doesn't sound bad. It sounds AWFUL. Those kind of experiences that you've had should never have happened. Please don't think you're pathetic for feeling hurt by what you heard your mother endure. I was heart broken just reading it, and if I were there I'd give you any support you need. You have a right to express those feelings, and you have by writing this post. That is a very healthy and good thing to do.

 

please tell me i am okay. please tell me im not crazy.

 

You are more than OK. You are opening up, you are seeking the way forward. It took guts to write your post and share your feelings with the world, and we care deeply. Keep that up!

 

he became my first love. he had been through situations similiar to mine, he understood me, he promised me a happy life and gave me hope that i wasnt a crappy person and i deserved to be here.

 

Remember, you're 15. As sad as these situations are, many of us have been there. And there's even good news about you in this. You have the capacity to love. Not all people who suffered in bad home situations can do that.

 

And I know you know what people say. There's other fish in the sea, etc... You know what? It's really true. You had something very special and very important. That can't be taken away from you. Now there will be new relationships, new places of love and healing for you. Acknowledge your feelings, and open yourself to new people, new ways of thinking.

 

As of this writing, 55 people have shared your story. That's 55 people pulling for you to succeed. That's a lot of positive energy. Now's a good time to challenge yourself to grow. I think you should consider talking to a professional counselor to help you validate your feelings. And I think you should do something good-exciting. Wait. You wrote:

sorry for writing a freakin' novel

 

There's an idea!

[lovecrazy]

I am sorry I didnt IM you last night,I got busy last night with other things!