Have you ever been outed?

[OutingMyself]

So...I've been outed. I am just barely out to myself and...well now more people than I care for know.

 

I feel violated.

I have explained this to the persons in question, and they seem to have understood why it was not there place to out me to others, no matter what, but still what is done is done and I am going to a big dinner this week and cannot but think that I'll be quite nervous about all this.

 

Has it ever happened to you? How did it make you feel? How did you handle it? Did you confront the person (people) who outed you? Why or why not?

[robowarrior]

Do you not support your own choices? Do you not believe in yourself? No matter who you are, we all have to defend what we stand for. The time of hiding is over, you just prepare a decent answer against all those who start asking question.

 

If they come to you saying something like ' is it true you are ...' You'll just say something like , well i kept lying against myself for all these years, but at one moment you just have to face the truth so yes i am...

 

Or if they come to you asking something like ' so what is it like to be... ' , just say something like ' same like it is for you , well its no big deal anyway , i am enjoying my life more then ever and.... ' fill in some small talk there.

 

So if its out, you must also now that there might have been people within the family who 'expected' something like that maby already. I wouldn't go to that dinner if you aren't ready to answer those questions. That dinner is supposed to be something for you to enjoy, if you go there with a head 'this big' then i would kindly reject and recluse for the time being until your ready to face everyone and stand for what you believe in.

[OutingMyself]

Rob, since coming out to myself, I have never lied. I would never lie, because that would be denying a part of who I am, and, thereforeeee, denying myself.

Yet, I do believe that it is up to the person in question (me in this case) to decide when, how and whom to tell.

i don't like people talking behind my back in any circumstances, but what makes it worse now is that it is a delicate issue, at least for me, and that is why i felt a bit violated.

 

I think I will go to that dinner and have fun. It's just that I just got this news and well, kind of freak out a bit! But no, I'd never lie.

[robowarrior]

Ok fair enough, keep up those defences at the dinner table if necessary. Remember whatever you talk to about to another person will 'spread' DEFINITLY. So be carefull, even if you totally trust a person, and even if that person is trustworthy, there's no way of telling that what you said won't come out.

 

For instance, i was getting my truckdrivers license , i told no one exept my dad. My dad must have told someone at his job, then someone at his job must have told someone else , and when i came at work (mind you i work a totally different job then my dad, in a totally different place) This guy i didn't know comes to me and asks me , are you getting your truckdrivers license?

 

I was like =\

 

The power of word to word communication amongst people must NOT be underestimated. It sure freaked me out , because im not that social and only told my dad but STILL that went accross my entire town and then back at me. Scary to say the least.

[FoxLocke]

I totally agree OutToMyself. Your sexuality is your business and your business alone.

However, as Robowarrior has stated, people talk. If you tell one they are bound to tell someone else, who they think is just as trustworthy as they are.

And if it as something as delicious as a person's sexuality then it will spread like wildfire. Thankfully, I have some trustworthy friends and aquaintances. And the guy I like is definitely trustworthy. If he tells anyone else I'll just tell them how we made out, repeatedly.

[Jinx]

Has it ever happened to you? How did it make you feel? How did you handle it? Did you confront the person (people) who outed you? Why or why not?

 

I've never personally be outed by anyone else that I'm aware of. For myself that is one reason I was initially extremely picky about the coming out process because I didn't want it to become common knowledge right at that stage, start small and work up without being overwhelmed.

 

Unfortunately in this life, there are some people who you think you can trust and further are fine with it and are not. Despite the fact I didn't have anyone really out me to some other unknown or known being that shouldn't know, I still trusted their comments that it was fine by them; take a couple months later and I was dropped.

 

It is the same principle, there are certain people in life which swear we can confide in them and so we do. Yet certain things just burst the bubble, sexuality being that in your case. For me it is a trust breaker when that happens, you trust them to keep such information private and once its out so are they. It just isn't an acceptable base for long term friendship, its just like a relationship. If you can't trust one another with valuable information not to be spread or used in a manipulative fashion then there is just about nothing there despite all memories and experiences.

 

I presume as for tackling the issue like others suggested you'll just need to prepare an answer which is simplistic and covers it in a nutshell at all the same time. As I've learned from first hand experience there will be those that have a "Okay, nice, pass the chips." attitude to those which do go ballistic. Its really hard to say what it will be but hopefully the first over the last, and all you can do is keep yourself grounded and neutral (as possible as can be) and remain assertive of the truth. It sounds hard I assume as it can be a nerve wracking thing but at least it will get it all done now instead of painful what if's that could of been put off and deeper longer item of anxiety.

 

That was one reason I came out, you get tired eventually of all the "What guy do you like? Are you dating? He is hot, what do you think? You'll make a nice wife. That guy likes you. Do you plan to get married?" and that endless supply of questions AND match making people tend to engage in when you're not out. Nonetheless, it allows one to be their self further without all the lies, in essense, it makes you a more open and honest person in the end. I know I hated to lie about it, and coming out was not the first on my list anxiety or not but in the end it would of been much more tragic to the psychological quarter of me had I kept it in.

 

I'm not condoning others outting others. I don't want to sound like that as I'm sure it seemed like it was heading there, that was more of a - Since the act has been done already, it has at least a couple benefits - paragraph.

 

You'll also need to assume the idea that not everyone follows the rumor mill, thankfully. Even though in this case it is true, there will be those that just have to ask like their life depended on it. Whereas others like I said in an earlier statement will either assume it is BS to say the least or just not care and won't act any different around you than they had last meeting. Its all dynamics of individual personality and beliefs of what swirls around. Thankfully though, rumors are a very fluid in with the new out with the old type, so this will probably be the hot topic for a tad bit then eventually something will happen and it will be forgotten like it never happened in the first place but all in all people still are aware.

 

Hopefully everything will go over well at this event and there will be minimal to no problems in people nosing around in such business that shouldn't of got out at this point anyhow. Best of luck on everything.

[Tigris]

I was outed on Christmas Eve!

 

I thought I was doing my so called Best Friend a favour by taking her out for a drink because she was going to be alone on Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Also, because she needed to take her mind off her 13 year old daughter's recent rape! (The daughter lives with Foster Parents and had done for a while!)

 

I didn't realise how much she'd had to drink in her house. We went to a pub down our street. Sometimes some of my Mother's side of the family drink there. I warned her not to say anything about me. I wasn't drinking because I was driving on Christmas morning! In total I bought her 2 pints of lager.

 

I introduced her to some of my family and at first there was no problem. The two older men (my Mother's cousins) left and two male and one female second cousins remained. Everything was going fine and then she 'outs me' by announcing that I am a Lesbian! I wanted to crawl in a hole and DIE!!!!!!!!!

 

I said, 'Please don't say anything, my Father doesn't know yet!' The Male cousins said they'd always known even though I'd been married twice, however, the female cousin remained silent! They advised me to tell my Father on Christmas Day. I couldn't ruin everyone's Christmas!

 

My two sisters' told me a while ago that if my Father found out they'd disown me and I wouldn't see my Nephew 15, Nephew 8 and Neice 6 ever again!

 

On the way home I asked, Why did you do it?' She said, 'He thought we were an item. Look at it this way I've done you a favour!' I couldn't believe she was so selfish! I was in turmoil worrying if I'd see my 2 nephews and neice again. That was the end of our friendship. The problem is she lives next door!

 

As soon as I got home I contacted my Fiancee. Both her and her youngest daughter (who's a lesbian) were angry! My Fiancee advised me to tell my Father as soon as possible before someone else did! I told him in January because there were going to be some big family parties.

 

How to deal with it? If anyone asks I look them in the eye and proudly say, 'Yes I'm a lesbian. I've been in denial for 30 years!'

 

It's easier for me though because of the way I have my hair cut and the way I've dressed in T-shirts, Jeans and Sweatshirts throughout my life. I do get dressed up sometimes in a suit.

 

Recently I dressed how I've always wanted to when I proposed on bended knee to fluffy_girdlebuns in Australia. I wore a dark grey suit, white dress shirt with cufflinks and a black paisley bow tie. I felt 10' tall by her side!