Confused

[waylon]

Right...

 

I've been dating a girl since January 1st 2006 which makes it almost 3 months.

 

Things progressed extremely fast which in retrospect may not have been a good thing.

 

She moved in with me after the first month (I know it was incredibly fast)...

 

Obviously the fact that we moved into together so soon had its consequences. The whole honeymoon phase of the relationship came to an abrupt end but our relationship did deepen in other areas.

 

I was previously in a 4 year cohabiting relationship, so I know all the ins and outs.

 

Lately we've had a little friction in our relationship which has left me a little confused...

 

My girlfriend has reached a stage where she is feeling that she would like to have less sex (we are having less whether I like it or not). She feels that we should be building on other areas of our relationship and she is afraid that us completely exploring our sexuality with one another will eventually destroy the relationship.

 

So here I am, a guy who actually enjoys fooling around with his girlfriend feeling a little rejected and frustrated. From my point of view I cant see how sex is going to destroy our relationship, its not as if we only have sex and do nothing else... I also really miss the physical aspect of the relationship when I think about how it was earlier on.

 

At the moment we're still having sex but its very infrequent. I'm enjoying it because its a lot more intimate than before and I really do feel connected to her when we're at it. I just feel like I have no say with regard to the subject, I cant initiate and I feel like she is in total control when we are having sex. I feel pretty confident with my love making skills and I feel a little trapped in the sense that I cant express myself sexually.

 

Am I wrong with regard to this..? Is she correct in assuming that us having a really passionate sex life at this point in our relationship is going to destroy it..?

 

I'm totally in love with her and have felt this way basically since the first day I met her. I just don't understand why because she's reached a point where she views me as marriage material all of a sudden she's concerned about our sex lives.

 

Why do we have to restrict one aspect of our relationship to make another grow? Why cant every aspect of our relationship be 100%?

[Jonquil]

It's not a matter of right and wrong. She's feeling what she is, you're feeling what you are. Feelings aren't wrong or right.

 

My girlfriend has reached a stage where she is feeling that she would like to have less sex (we are having less whether I like it or not). She feels that we should be building on other areas of our relationship and she is afraid that us completely exploring our sexuality with one another will eventually destroy the relationship.

 

Did you ask her WHY she's feeling like this?, ie where's it coming from?. I think your answer is in there. Sounds to me like that's her past talking. Maybe in a previous relationship it started full throttle like this, and ended up being only about the sex, and little else... she got hurt. She's in the same situation again, her fears have been triggered, so she's protecting herself.

 

Find out what's really causing the fear, and address that. Reassure her the past wont be repeated. Give her time and emotional support... her fears are real to her, just as yours are to you.

[waylon]

I did discuss it with her and she says that it has nothing to do with her past...

 

She says that this has never been an issue in her past relationships and that I am the first guy she's been with where this has been an issue of conflict.

 

So now I'm feeling like there's something wrong with me.

[Momene]

Well I understand how yow you feel but sometimes it changes and in a few weeks/months/years, you might want sex less often than her, then it will change again and so on.

 

You can always masterb8.

[waylon]

Yes I could do that...

 

This isn't about just wanting relief though, its about being able to explore the sexual aspect of our relationship and I would never get that from doing that...

 

I'm not talking about jumping each other like rabbits all the time here, I'm talking about being able to express myself sexually from time to time.

 

I feel that its important.

 

BTW

 

We don't have conflicting sexual desires so its not as if either of us would be engaging in an activity that is morally offensive to the other.

[Jonquil]

Mmmm, I'm not sure I really buy that (just playing devil's advocate). I mean the fear is pretty specific.... "she is afraid that us completely exploring our sexuality with one another will eventually destroy the relationship".

 

She could have said I'm afraid us moving in together so soon could destroy the relationship, or, anything else. I still ask the same question. Why the fear?.

[waylon]

Mmmm, I'm not sure I really buy that (just playing devil's advocate). I mean the fear is pretty specific.... "she is afraid that us completely exploring our sexuality with one another will eventually destroy the relationship".

 

She could have said I'm afraid us moving in together so soon could destroy the relationship, or, anything else. I still ask the same question. Why the fear?.

 

I agree with you I think that something did happen in her past but she's too stubborn to admit that there may be deeper undying issues here.

 

What do I do though..?

 

If I discuss it with her she gets upset and says its all I think about. So its pretty much a taboo subject.

 

Do you think that over time her perception will change..?

[Jonquil]

Maybe it's not a matter of her being stubborn to admit something like that to you... maybe she just doesn't trust you enough, yet. Although the relationship has happened fast, really allowing yourself to trust someone, and they you, takes time. It's a process that can't be rushed no matter how much you want it too.

 

If she gets upset at you wanting to discuss this, you can bet your bottom dollar there's a wound she's protecting.

 

I think you should lay off the subject, for now. Build the trust. Tell her in one statement how her choice makes you feel, and what you would like (I'm sure you already have), but that you understand this is how she needs things to be right now, you don't fully understand why, you wish you did so you could help her, but you respect her choice.

 

She needs to feel something so that she can let the fear go that the sex will destroy the relationship. Highly likley that's trust. Highly likley it's just a matter of time and patience.