It's been a year. Here's an update.

[Empathy]

And most of you that are feeling the pain of a break up right now are probably not going to like what I have to say. I'll just begin by saying that I feel as if I've made little to no progress at all 99% of the time. Especially recently. It feels as if the break up happened only a month ago. I keep having dreams about him and his girlfriend. Especially the worst kind...I think you all know the kind I mean. Those extremely vivid dreams where the ex realizes he was wrong and takes you back...Yeah...Nothing worse than waking up to the reality.

Then there are the random flash backs. The kind where I'll be having a great time with my sister or my friends, just laughing and feeling carefree and then literally, out of nowhere, with no cause at all a memory will hit like a bolt of lightning right through the heart. It's quick, it's hard, and it HURTS. When I tell people, they say dumb stuff like, "Well try not to think about him." And I'm just thinking, "That's what you don't UNDERSTAND! I'm NOT thinking about him! I have no control over the lightning bolt thoughts!" lol. They just happen! I try to do things to keep myself occupied. I try to build walls and the thoughts always find a crack to slip through. I'll also hear something or see something that reminds me of him and I'll find myself falling again. If somebody says anything about Russia I automatically think of his girlfriend...that "insert expletive here"...

Then there's the dating issue. Ever since my ex, finding a guy that seems "worth it" is impossible! For some reason, the break up with my ex has not only ripped my heart out but it's raised my standards impossibly high. I know that this is normal, but for goodness sake! How long will I go on being so hard to please?! I meet a guy that I think is great and then I'll realize something about them that I just can't overlook. Something I'm sure I would have been able to overlook before my ex...It makes me feel as if I'll be alone forever.

I just want to know how long I have until I'm over this jerk. And I know that I'll never be over him entirely. I know that it will always hurt just a little bit. But I want to know how much longer I have until it stops making up 85 percent of my thoughts. I'm also aware of the fact that no one can tell me. But I just wish someone could.

[Rebel]

I'm right at 6 months here, and I'm doing ok. I think it varies for everyone. I still get everything you described... The biggest thing I had to overcome after she left was this overwhelming feeling of "I'm NOT supposed to be here, doing this right now... I'm supposed to be at home with the woman I love"

 

All you have is time. If you were together for a substantial amount, a year may not be a lot of time. I was with my ex for a collective 6 years, so I'm sure I'll be dealing with it in and out for some time. Hang in there and chin up

[lonely days]

I think even if you meet someone really great, sometimes you will still have lingering thoughts of what could have been. I still have thoughts about all the girls I've been in a realtionship with at different points in my life. I'll see something that reminds me of so and so and wonder what there up to and how there doing. Our past shapes who we are and unless you had no feelings at all for that person you will always have a little place in your heart for them.

[sidehop]

Sometimes it takes a long time...

 

But one day I hope you can let him go completely & even forgive him. I once had a g/f that I couldn't get over for almost 1.5 years. Then another girl about a year ago that took me good year to get over...and some others only few weeks. It sounds like you truly loved this person but you have to realize sometimes things are just not meant to be as perfect as it may seem.

 

You'll find happiness again...cry when you're sad, laugh when you're having fun and let the body do its healing without worrying about what's going to happen next. Life is just too short to worry and wonder about someone that you thought you could be with when there are so many other opportunities and happiness waiting for you

[GottaLetItBurn]

Lonely days..I think that it's true that if you cared about them they will be in your heart for the rest of your life.

 

I just hope that part becomes smaller each year, and disappears when I find the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

[Scotcha]

I don't know how long it will be but it's not going to hurt forever. Sometimes it hurts for a long time but one day they'll cross your mind and you'll look back and realize that the pain is only a memory. You remember how hurt you were but you just don't feel it anymore.

[Waiting and Wondering]

Hi Empathy,

 

Unfortunately, I do not have words of wisdom for you, but I do want you to know that you are definitely not alone - I am in the same position as you. It's been about 8 months since my break up and I continue to experience the same feelings that you describe, including the whole lightening bolt phenomenon. I know how terrible it is. Just when you finally manage to forget about things and have fun, a vivid memory suddenly strikes you and it STINGS. I am also experiencing the same problems with meeting other people. I was dating this new guy for awhile but 75% of the time I just kept comparing him to what I had with my ex boyfriend and it started to drive me nuts. Everytime I meet someone, all I keep thinking is "it's not the same." I've actually lost interest in meeting anyone and feel like I'll always be alone. While I do know that of course it can't ever be the same with someone new, I just can't stop comparing everyone else to my ex, so I know what you mean about the high standards. When things were good with us they were so good, and that connection we had is what I want, and is what I can't seem to let go of. We fought a lot, but it was always over really stupid, immature things in retrospect. Ugh., I hope that it does get better for you and I...I just keep telling myself to give it more time. Hang in there.

[dstanzler]

14 months here. I have changed a lot, she hasn't. She still has my heart...and I'm waiting.

[Empathy]

Yes. You are in the exact same spot as me. And it seems that you had the same kind of connection with your ex as I did with mine. I've also given up hope on ever finding anyone else. I truly believe that (minus all the rough spots in our relationship) I had the best (connection wise) and once you've had the best, what's the point of settling for less? I sincerely don't think it's possible for me to find a connection like that ever again. I either have to find someone better or I'll remain alone. I'd rather be alone than settle for the next best thing I can get. I'd go my entire life telling myself "The connection is strong, but it's nothing compared to my ex..." I know there's still time to find someone. I'm in no hurry by any means. I just don't think I'm ever going to find someone good enough.

[dstanzler]

The problem with meeting new people that I have:

 

Is that I want to do all of the same cute stuff that I did with my ex...

only its with someone else

 

Every relashionship I have is like a crappy remake of my relashionship to my ex... every girl, every conversation

 

So whats the use. At least you know that your ex is probably feeling the same way.

 

Dave

[Waiting and Wondering]

The problem with meeting new people that I have:

 

Is that I want to do all of the same cute stuff that I did with my ex...

only its with someone else

 

Every relashionship I have is like a crappy remake of my relashionship to my ex... every girl, every conversation

 

So whats the use. At least you know that your ex is probably feeling the same way.

 

Dave

 

Dave...you hit the nail on the head. That's exactly how I feel. I am glad there are people here who understand how I am feeling...most other people don't understand why I can't just move on.