Sam BLAZES! 10HR Drive to Get Dumped-Want her Back

[dfcannon]

Toddb,

 

Glad to hear you had a calm weekend and a chance to chill a bit. Just a couple of days ago, a woman (sn IMySelfAmHell) sounding very much like your ex posted a thread titled "i'm insane, HELP!" and I think you ought to check it out...to see what I think is going on in your ex's mind.

 

Best case scenario is that your g/f sees this and learns how to deal with her conflicts, and acknowledges that it's her problem and asks for your understanding and forgiveness. Then I'd expect you'd give her a second chance. Worst case is she really doesn't want to change, despite how it's hurting her, and you need to recognize that and move on. Your next meeting should proceed according to which girl shows up....

 

As for how to handle her, well it really comes back to you. Lately at least, it's been too much about how she'll react and trying to anticipate that and please her. This meeting, from your point of view, it has to be about her winning you back, if she so chooses. So, what would it take? What will she have to say or do to convince you? This is where the pendulum needs to swing into your direction for a bit, which means she has to chase you a little. Play off your true feelings of ambivalence, hurt and skepticism...that will help guide you. And hold back your impulses, at least for now, because they haven't always been serving you too well.

 

But, I think you're 90% there. You are REALLY listening to her and are really present and aware in everything that happens with her now. You have your doubts now, which is natural, and you have a sense of yourself again. Now, just accept that for this to work again, she has to please you, too. Nothing you've ever done is "wrong," it's just not been working with this particular girl. So it's more about how you two interact than anything else. Next meeting you should have clear in your mind what you want (e.g., respect, contrition) and play towards that objective. Then the stuff that happens will happen according to those objectives.

 

Try thinking about the last stuff I said and then answer your own questions 1-5. I do think what you ultimately need is some time alone with her, not with that friend (urgh!), and you probably should use that newfound caution you have to gradually take her back as she proves herself. It's not time yet to wear your heart on your sleeve too much -- yet -- because that's again giving her more than she deserves right now imo.

[toddb]

Alright lets get pro-active, NOT retroactive

 

 

What do I want?

 

What do I need to do to get what I want?

 

She's going to have to win my heart back, and its going to take time...I know ONLY MYSELF can determine what that is...

 

but, what SHOULD I NOT DO?

 

 

You say play off my true emotions...to me, that means dont show them...to others, play off means to expand on those feelings and emotions...mine throwing me a bone here?

 

T

[dfcannon]

What I meant by play off your own emotions is to expand and build from them...not supress them. However, I also cautioned to not be too impulsive, mainly because she gives false signals and your impulses can get ya into a bit of trouble....

 

The idea here is that there's no way you can anticipate every move she might make and how you should respond. She could throw a thousand different things at you, and you'd be overwhemed trying to have all that mapped out ahead of time. So, I think it would be good to start with something more simple and basic, such as what your objectives are and how you feel right now, and then respond to her from that basic viewpoint.

 

But if this is all too abstract, here are my thoughts on your five questions:

 

1) What to do if she calls - Be cool and friendly, positive, confident...not too needy. The idea is not to be cold and rejecting, but just to maintain your own space. Make her come to you. If she really goes overboard with tears, etc. on the phone, just try to smile to yourself that she really is quite a character and don't pile on...tell her it would be cool to talk about it later in person, not on the phone. Don't travel to see her...make her stop by, or wait until school starts.

 

2) How to remain CCC - By thinking things through and having a sense of what she needs to do to satisfy you, you are putting the burden back on her and not on yourself. I think that will make you more CCC. I would not expect you to be completely carefree, so of course you'll have some emotions. Don't worry about it...you're not a stone, after all.

 

3) If she wants you back - That's great, but tell her it's been a wild ride lately and you need things to change, for the sake of your own happpiness and hers. Don't just fall at her feet...she's falling at your feet...and you are accepting her, cautiously. Don't just let her back without talking about what she thinks happened and why things can work again. Let her do a lot of the talking and just listen...you don't want to lecture her.

 

4) Do I tell her how bad she hurt me - No way. You can tell her it's not easy to take, but at this point in the relationship, this is not the time to bare your soul to her imo. Save that for a day that she's more stable and mature.

 

5) What to say is she asks to see you - Say yes, depending on when, because you have yadda yadda yadda going on....Be open, but not wide open. Don't travel to see her. Make her meet on your terms. Also, if that friend of hers that I don't like is part of the deal, wiggle your way out of it. I think the two of them together are going to put you in a weak position. You need to have your ex alone, where she will be more herself and not influenced by her friend(s).

 

Hope this helps! Hey, this is all worth talking about even if it doesn't work out, because you'll be that much better prepared for the next girl.

[toddb]

Well…she called yesterday around 5 o’clock my time. I had honestly forgotten what her “ring” on my cell phone sounded like it had been so long we were talking about our jobs, talking about what she had done in the past few days, talked about how her time in Cleveland had/was dwindling really quickly, and had a really good conversation.

 

I never once brought up us, or me and her, or us as a couple…nothing! We talked about me going on my vacation out west, on seeing Nelly and O.A.R in concert here this week, and we talked about her having fun and stuff. Asked her about her birthday, “if she had a good time?” NOT “what did you do” … to me that is less intrusive and more conversationalist So we talked about all that stuff for a while, and talked about working out and school starting and a little tailgating/college football talk…also about her trip to Cedar Pt Amusement park and how much fun this one roller coaster was...just relaly good convo...

 

So after about 20 mins of GOOD conversation…just fun and light and I could tell she wasn’t liking it that I was bettering myself and doin all this fun stuff w/out her and w/out second thoughts of her(even though I am and think bout her all the time!) and goin to Colorado and stuff w/ my cousin and HER friends(aka girls)

 

And then she goes “I have some bad news to tell you.”

I’m thinking “I cant get anymore bad news from you girl, u broke up w/ me…what is it?”

I must not have reacted the way she wanted and she goes again “I have some really really bad news to tell you…I haven’t even told my parents yet,” To get my attention.

I’m thinking “If somebody died, u would be crying, if something bad happened, you would be crying…has to be one thing….MONEY”

So she goes “I got three more phone bill charges on my credit card today from Italy(from her calling me!!! To her benefit she had no idea how much they would be, but SHE called ME! Plus, I HAD OFFERED to pay some of it WHILE we were together…BUT NOW LOOK, WE ARE BROKEN UP…AKA NO OBLIGATIONS! Not to mention I've driven three times to see her, dropped numerous amts of money on phone cards while she was in Italy and cell bills!)

And they totaled $150.00(her charges)

 

I knew what she was goin to ask, and she didn’t get the nerve to ask it right away because I KNEW that she wanted me to pay some of them just by her tone of voice…so we talked about how much BS it was, how expensive it was and what a rip…and I was NOT going to say “well…I’ll help u take care of some of it…”I MADE HER ask me…AND SHE DID!!!

 

She goes “I know you’re going on your vacation(grrrrr she had the nerve to ask me to take away some of my vacation money!) but I was wondering IF YOU COULD THROW IN 10, 20, MAYBE A LITTLE MORE MONEY to help me cover my phone costs cause I’m paying rent for my apartment for a month and for my school apartment for a month…and I haven’t gotten my loan yet…”

 

I WAS ENFURIATED!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I go “I’ll see what I can do about it.”

 

After that, we talked for another 10mins, asked her what was new, whatever(I was boiling inside! And wanted to ask her “is this why u called me to ask for money?) But I didn’t. So w/ all this, we talked more about her job and I heard her getting ready and she goes “well…I have to go to my kickboxing thing soon so…”

I go “well I’ll let u go then, so have fun getting all hot and sweaty and working out…” and she got sad. Really sad on the phone. I could hear it in her voice and in her actions and demeanor. It hurt to hear her sad actually. And I don’t know if its from what I’ve said or whatever…but she goes “ok…” and I go “well I’ll tal to u later this week or something maybe, after Colorado or whatever…” and she goes “ok…yeah…” perked up a bit, we said our goodbyes…and hung up...I dont like her sad, and the fact is my feelings for her are still pretty strong(albeit a lot pissed right now but the inner stuff is still there... thats a sad and happy face at the same time)

 

Two theories on the money thing: 1: She took a MAJOR hit in pride because I’m not calling her and groveling at her feet like how of her other ex’s have been and STILL ARE and I’m standing out from that crowd! nd maybe a lil bit asked me to give up some dinero because her pride is so low BUT it takes A LOT of a person to ASK A RECENTLY BROKEN UP EX to borrow money…maybe someway trying to get back with me?

2: Wanting to see how deep her claws are still in me, and seeing if I’ll “come back” to her and see once she gets me back IF she STILL WANTS ME…well toddb IS NOT playing that game!

 

So now what do I do? Besides the stuff I’ve mentioned in the other posts, the other day she was at Cedar Point Amusement park and they have those signs w/ names on them…u know, little license plates? Well her name and my name ARE NEVER on those signs…NEVER EVER and she even told her best friend that…WELL GUESS WHO’S NAMES WERE BY EACH OTHER, AND OUT AND IN THE OPEN? As well as the only ones left!! MINE AND HER’S right NEXT to each other. My ex called her best friend all “beside herself” as my ex said and told her “what does this mean? What is God trying to tell me? What the hell is going on?” All the friend did was go “maybe u oughta think about somethings that you’ve done in the past..”

 

& so she calls me two days later and tells me this…excuse to call or begging?

 

I’m spent. Help.

[dfcannon]

She really is a character! "Really really bad news" involves 150 bucks...lol. Then she hits you up for some cash. Okay, she is living up to the idea that she can throw a thousand possible things at you....

 

First of all, you were excellent on this call, I think. You should be feeling pretty good about yourself and how things are swinging back your way. Not there yet though. Sorta reminds me of a quarterback who's down by a few points with 2 minutes left in the game, and you're completely engineering a drive and in the "zone." Anyway...

 

Second, I'd have reacted the same way about the money...hang on and let me see what I can do...then think about it. She's a tricky devil, eh? She should not be asking you for money, of course, so it's a no-win for you. It's really more about damage control now. You offer her 0, and if you get back together, you were "not there for her" and "backed off your word" later on down the line; if you don't get back together, you'll likely stew and wonder whether you were too tough and should have helped her a little. If you offer her 150, she'll probably think you're a sucker and you'll not see her or the money again, possibly. I think your best bet is to follow her lead here, because she did give you an out...offer her $25 bucks, and tell her you need to save for your big trip. I think it's a reasonable gesture, because yes, she's testing again, and really it's a small price to pay for the peace of mind of knowing you're being exceptionally cool and if it doesn't work, you did all you can. In other words, give her some money, but not for her (she doesn't deserve anything), but for yourself...you do stuff for her if you get back together. This way, if she walks with the money, you won't be so pissed because you did it for yourself, anyway.

[toddb]

what about an enticement? Tell her on friday night that "hey, if you want to pick up your money, stop by in my hometown and I can give it to ya..."

 

OR SHOULD I MAKE HER ASK ME IF SHE CAN STOP?

 

 

just a thought...

 

 

toddb

[dfcannon]

Not such a good idea...because it will look like just that...an enticement with strings attached. It's a little too heavy-handed and almost makes it look like you want to buy her back. A better way to achieve the same result would be to ask her how she wants to get the money...mail it, stop by your apt on the way to school, mail it directly to the phone company. Then it's back on her again...and you get a little instant return on investment because her response will be interesting....

[toddb]

after the long must needed vacation to colorado(and getting snowed on and almost hit by lightning!) I am back

 

Driving back from the mall last night, and LOW AND BEHOLD my ex called me on the way back from the Twin Cities. WE havent talked in over a week and a half....Of course she only calls me when she has time(and probably exhausted her other friends to talk to) so WHY DID SHE CALL?

 

I dont wanna be friends with her, so how do I let her know that I dont want to be friends with her and ONLY want to talk to her if she wants to get back with me? I understand that that may not happen right away, IF AT ALL(which is fine!) but I dont want to be TOO blunt and push her away IF she's thinking about coming back to me...but thats only if she's willing to work for me back, not the other way around. I've already moved on so to speak and fell for another girl(but it was in colorado so like it matters!) but still...I know i'm capable of pulling wool so to speak

[dfcannon]

Glad to hear you were able to fall for another girl...good for you. I agree with bzborrow1, and will add this:

 

It's always much, much better to have the kind of conversation you want one-on-one and in person -- not on the phone. So, since her last phone call was rather ambigious, anyway, I'd just blow it off and wait until I see her at school. I think it would be a good thing to meet at some kind of cafe or restaurant where you can talk for a loooong time. And just use your instincts and feel your way along. The pressure is still on her to come back to you, anyway.

 

If by the time you're wrapping things up at the cafe/restaurant, she's STILL going around in circles, I'd call her on it...gently...if you want. Asking her what's up you seem confused is not being too needy. Better to have her blurt something out on her own, but I'd say if you have to, it's okay to probe.