Break up after 5 years

[metal999]

Well I'm new to this site and I guess I'm just looking for support or maybe someone elses point of view. My girlfriend left me after a 5 year relationship becuase what she says is my lack of direction(I'm in college but not sure on career) and the fact that we don't get to see very much do to school and work for the both of us. She is also complaining about being mad at me for those reasons. I think it has to do with her having all her stress compounded by everything else in her life, and using me as an outlet. It's not like we don't get along well with each other, cause we do better then I do with most of my guy friends. I believe I was a good boyfriend and that is confirmed by her. She says I was a great boyfriend and a great person and that I treated her great. She also says that she still loves me but has a gut feeling that this relationship just won't work. I'm just not sure what to do, should she says she doesn't want to be with me right now and she can't obviously give me an answer for the future(not that I expect one) not sure if I should quit while I'm ahead or should I wait it out and see if she comes around. It's really hard cause we have the same friends and none want to take sides, so it's hard to talk to them. Any info or thoughts would be greatly appreaciated. Thanks

[friscodj]

Hi metal999, welcome to ENA!

 

Well, I have been in similar situations before. I assume you guys are traditional college-age, in the neighborhood of 21-22. A lot of change happens during those years, especially at school.

 

Being in a relationship through these years "ties one down" so to speak and some may feel like they didn't have the chance to live life because of this.

 

So I suggest you go out and do the things you couldn't do when you were in a relationship. She'll do the same and may realize what she had in a great boyfriend and person. How long you wait for her to "come around" is up to you, but I suggest you not focus on the "waiting" part and focus on yourself, your direction, and getting out there and having fun during your college years. Who knows, in doing so you may meet someone else...

[metal999]

Yes I didn't mean to imply that I was going to sit here waiting for her call by any means. I just mean do my own thing, and achcomplish what I need to for myself. We had a very good relationship so there's not much I couldn't do before that I can do now. I guess I should have said our ages to it may have helped. I'm 26 and she is 22. It's pretty hard to get my head around the whole thing cause this kinda came out of nowhere, we're were even talking about moving in together in the fall so it's got me pretty messed up. Anyways you are right I am going to focus on myself and try and have fun. Thanks again for the support.

[RayKay]

Hey metal999,

 

Welcome to enotalone, though I of course am sorry for the situation you are in.

 

Now this does not make it "easier" on you by any means, but a lot of people tend to go through a big period of change and growth in those late teens/early 20's as they become to know more about whom they are, what they need. Now this is not true for all cases but I find females *tend* to do this more in this age period because in the experience of people I know at least all their teen years they tended to "live for their boyfriends" and they forgot to live for themselves. And so they go through it as they get into college/university and are exposed to more and perhaps become more confident in themselves.

 

I think you girlfriend's "gut feeling" is more her maybe feeling you are different peope, or realizing she needs something else, even if she does not know what yet. It is possible that feeling is her needing to just be on her own for the first time since she was 17/18, it's not something wrong with YOU persay at all, it's just she knows she is not ready to say for sure you are the one.

 

Whatever the case it is certainly not fair that she gets angry at you for those feelings, or resents you for them.

 

I really advise you step back, tell her you love her but you do not want to pressure any decision...and then you distance yourself a bit, have fun, go out without her, talk to new people, join new clubs. Ultimately she will either decide that she does want YOU, and wants to work through this with you realizing she can still have a life even in a relationship, or she will decide she wants to be on her own. Either way...don't let her lead you on...if you feel she is not being fair to you, or being what you need in a girlfriend, it's better you end it then drag yourself through that.

[metal999]

Thanks for the advice, it's pretty much how I have left it. I told her that I love her and want to be with her but do not want her to feel like she's "giving in". I'm giving her space to let everything sink in, and in the mean time I'm getting myself closer to where I need to be in life. Thanks again it really helps to talk.

[friscodj]

This is a super-tough situation. You had a great relationship together, but it ended? It probably seems unfair to you, like you did all you could and still lost her...

 

It's timing. And there's nothing you can do about it but leave her alone and let the chips fall where they may. You are older than her, and while only 4 years, 26 vs. 22 is a big difference in terms of growth and maturity in many cases. It seems for some reason around 25 is somewhat of a milestone age for self-realization and "finding oneself" I've seen...

 

You did the right thing in what you told her about "giving in". Now, the hard part is living it. Be strong and we'll be here during your grieving process...