Can one love more than the other?

[adidas7fire]

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 1.5 years. Lately, I've been feeling as though I show that I love him more by sending emails each morning to him (which he loves), calling just to say "hi" or "I love you", just doing sweet things around the house. Yet, I always have to be the initiator and it's made me feel like sometimes I am the only one in this relationship. I know that he's got school to worry about considering this is his last semester before graduating college so I'm sure that plays a factor. On certain nights, he comes home late because he has to work late and then when he gets home, instead of talking to me, he is on the phone with friends for hours.

 

My question is.. is it ridiculous for me to be feeling the way I do? Has anyone else gone throught this? I know that he loves me and we plan to marry in the future but I can't help but want to sometimes be pampered like a girl and shown that I'm loved, on days not considered holidays.

[NJRon]

Everyone needs to have love shown to them differently. Unfortunately, until it is communicated, the other person rarely knows exactly what that entails. Have you let him know what shows you that he loves you?

[adidas7fire]

Yes, I have told him things that I like. For example, if we are watching TV and some chick gets flowers randomly from her man, I will awww at that while he's there saying "That's so sweet." At times, he will even agree with me. But if I tell him everything that I want, how can he be spontaneous and unpredictable? I guess he's just that type of person that knows all the time that I love him but considering I'm the type of chick that likes to hear it, likes people to see it, I find it important sometimes. That's just me.

[RayKay]

Possible, but it is also the case that different people also can show love differently...

 

 

My late boyfriend once sent me this quote, I am not sure of the original source though:

 

"Just because someone does not love you the way you expect them to, does not mean they do not love you with all they have"

 

Now, I don't think that means you should stay with someone whom does not fulfill your emotional needs, but I do think that it does mean you should look closer at whether you are mistaking a different way of showing affection for an absense of love.

 

Some people show love by working hard, trying to make their partner and family comfortable, others show it by writing poetry. Is one better then the other? No...because it is very individual. It is important that people recognize their own partner's individual needs. My bf and I show our love in different ways, but each of us feels loved by the way that we are shown that love - it works for us. For others, they may need different expressions of love.

 

I don't think it is ridiculous you feel as you do...I know that based on what you described if I was in your situation I might feel neglected and a bit unloved as well. I think however you need to express to him your concerns and feelings, rather then expecting him to be able to do things he does not know you need. What happens if you DON'T initiate?

[becallamjr]

I completely understand that. I guess I'm considered as a hopeless romantic. The flowers, candy, cards, etc. All that fun stuff for no reason besides I was thinking of them. If you want him to do those things for you and want a way to imply it, stop doing the little things for him, he will take notice and will ask why you have stopped. Then tell him.

[RayKay]

Yes, I have told him things that I like. For example, if we are watching TV and some chick gets flowers randomly from her man, I will awww at that while he's there saying "That's so sweet." At times, he will even agree with me. But if I tell him everything that I want, how can he be spontaneous and unpredictable? I guess he's just that type of person that knows all the time that I love him but considering I'm the type of chick that likes to hear it, likes people to see it, I find it important sometimes. That's just me.

 

How can he be spontanous and unpredictable if it is not his character to be that way, or he does not know that is what you like? It's a mistake to expect people to behave as we expect them to without communicating it to them properly.

 

 

Instead of saying "aww that is so sweet" which really is not "telling" him anything about your needs, why don't you specifically say "I would really love to get flowers at the office one day for no reason". Don't be critical when you say it, just say it lightheartedly and matter of factly.

[adidas7fire]

Both of you have great replies. I guess because I was once showered with love no matter what and then when that relationship ended and I found this guy who I AM madly in love with, some things were different. Like for instance, I know that he does pay attention to detail when for instance, usually when we are at home together, I'm usually silly and commenting on this or that or talking about random things... but lately I've been quiet and haven't said much. His reaction is to ask me what's wrong -- why am I being so quiet -- when sometimes I just want to be quiet... and thus, even though I say "nothing's wrong", he doesn't think I'm owning up to the truth and moreover, I end up having to make up something.

[friscodj]

I don't know about this one. My last relationship was like this. From what you've said, how you feel like you're the only one in the relationship and he spends more time talking to friends than he does to you, I think this is a big red flag. You say "lately" this has been happening, which leads me to believe the relationship used to not be one-sided...

 

So what happened? What caused the change? Sudden or gradual decline in his interest? You really need to have a serious talk about this, ask the hard questions and get hard answers. I can see these feelings you expressed above growing and causing big-time problems. Nip it in the bud, you can still do it...