Advice please... one or the other?

[deviousj420]

I have been with M for a little over 2 years. Our relationship has been VERY rocky and trust is majorly lacking because I have lied to him.

 

I can say I honestly DO NOT see myself with him in the future because he wont even tell me he loves me. He doesnt do the 'little' things like ask how my day was, offer a back rub when im sore, etc...

 

I love him though and I dont want to hurt him, but I am... only he doesnt know it...

 

I have been talking to G for the past month or so and hung out with him a few times. I really like him, he has a career going for him whereas M has no motivation, he is complacent were he is now and wouldnt mind staying there forever. G is caring, sweet, makes me laugh, affectionate, which M is not and doesnt have the greatest car which had attracted me to M in the beginning anyways...

 

So, my problem is:

*I feel horrible for lying to M but almost justified because of how he is towards me - He is verbally abusive.

*G makes me happy, he does live about 30 mins away tho and seeing him often would be difficult because of his job.

*I could possibly see myself with G, however I still need to get to know him better and I cant say the same for M because I feel our relationship has allready been tainted.

 

Jumping from one relationship to another is not a good idea i know, but i would stay single n take things slowly with G. I just dont want to hurt M more than I allready have but feel I would if I were to leave. Im hurting, confused, scared, lonely and desperate for some clarity.

[kellbell]

Hi there....

 

Ok, if M is abusive, lacks so many qualities you value in a partner, and you cannot see yourself with him in the future, then I feel it is best to let him go. You are staying with him out of fear, pity, comfort and guilt....not love. Believe I was in your position before so I know how hard it is to make a decision like this. But you owe it to yourself to be happy and honest about what you want. The longer you stay in this relationship...the more difficult it is going to be to end it.

 

 

About G...I feel this is a case of the "grass being greener on the other side." G is everything M is not so it is easy to get caught up with this new guy. Plus G is offering the emotional support you need in order to carry on with M. And that is so wrong...you are stringing him along and preventing yourself from finding true happiness. Although it may be tricky to jump in relationship to another as you pointed out....it is a good idea to take things real slow with G. But first and foremost, deal with M first. I wish you all the best and take care.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Well said Kellbell. I agree.

 

Devious, you need to break it off with M. Like a band-aid, just rip it off. Its not at all fair what your doing to him and while the initial ripping off may sting a bit, better to do it now than when its really stuck and will hurt a lot more.

 

I don't think your justification is fair either. If he is hurting you verbally or isn't emotionally available to you you need to express that or take care of it by removing the source of pain from your life.

 

I think going from one relationship to another can be OK. Sounds like you've been done with M for a while anyway. But do it the right way.

 

Break it off with M first, and then move on. You'll feel a lot better about yourself and the new relationship if you approach it honestly and with a clean slate.

 

Good luck!

[Scout]

From what you say about M, it seems like you should probably leave the relationship whether there's another guy involved or not. In fact, why have you been staying in this relationship? Based on your post, I don't get the feeling he's going to be devastated if you two break up. He doesn't seem that into the relationship either, actually.

[Hope75]

Trust me you are hurting M way more by staying and lying to both him and yourself then you would if you left him.

 

You have already said that you do not see yourself with M for the long haul, and are not happy in the relationship, so why stay out of obligation? Do you think that's fair to him? Or you?

 

Starting a relationship with G born of infidiliity and lies is not a good way to begin a new relationship, one you see as possibly long term. Fortunately, you can do the right thing here, which is to leave M, and spend some time taking things slow with G and seeing if there really is something there or if it's just the excitement of something being different than M.