My sexually repressed bible banging crush

[FoxLocke]

I wrote approximately a week or so ago about my crush and him saying things that I did not approve of.

Well, to cut right to the chase, he called me last night. We talked about an hour or so and needless to say I am confused and ambivalent about him. I still sorta have feelings for him but I am approaching this with caution, because we have alot of different views on different things.

 

Apparently, him and the girl--who he got into a verbal spat with(infront of me)--made up and are now really cool again. This took me by surprise because if someone talked to me like that I wouldn't want to hang around them...But, she is a forgiving person, obviously.

So last night he called me up and asked me how I was doing, what I was up to, and saying that he missed hanging around me. Then we got into some small talk and started talking and laughing like we always do...

Anyway, I told him that I missed hearing from him outside of class...Then he said, "Aw, that's so sweet. I missed you too..."

Then he asked me what I did over the weekend. I told him that I went to work and then caught a movie after I got off. He replied with, "Oh you should have told me! I want to go somewhere with you..."

I said, "Cool, we can definitely do that. I didn't ask because I thought you didn't have any minutes on your cellular..."

Him: "Oh I have them now, so you can call me anytime."

Me: "Cool...So what are you doing over spring break?"

Him: "Probably just going home to spend time with my family, nothing really big..."

Me: "I'm probably just going to go to the mall, hang out, and stuff like that...Too bad you're leaving, we could have hung out again."

Him: "That would be cool! I really don't have to leave...Maybe I could come sleep over or something..."

 

Okay, at this point in the conversation and beyond I realize He is totally gay and we have all of this chemistry between us...

 

However, he is completely entrenched in The Fundamentalist Christian lifestyle; whereas, I'm growing away from that.

I can really tell that he is just regurgitating everything he's been taught in regards to the bible on matters such as: sexism, homosexuality, and all that...But even Stevie Wonder can see that this guy is gay.

 

I think, overall, what doesn't attract me to him is his overzealous attitude about his religion. This is why it bothers me. I happen to be spiritual; however, I am not allowing a religion to control my life. I've been in that place and it is not a good place to be in. I can tell that he is still grappling with it, and part of me doesn't want to deal with that. I don't want to be that secret lover of some closeted repressed evangelical Christian type who gets hurt in the end.

 

I am caught between a rock and a hard place. On one hand I like this person; I'm attracted to this person; However, I don't feel like being with someone who views their feelings for me as an abombination or something.

 

Maybe I should confront him on this? Then that would mean I would have to outright tell him my sexual orientation...Which I'm sorta not ready to do. Because he has been a very good friend to me...Yeah I know if he rejects me he was never a friend to begin with. But, all the same, I'm still trepidatious about it.

[jamesy1234]

snap, I have exactly the same situation.

 

Dont waste too much time trying to figure this out. But I guess you know your friend is gay by the way he is talking, but will he risk his lifestyle for this ?

 

I guess, you should carrying on with what you are doing, but try and get out of him one way or the other .

 

Let me know how you get on !!!! Maybe he will just try and excerise the demons of homosexuality out of you.

 

So sad when this is what people think !!!

[Prufrock06]

"That would be cool! I really don't have to leave...Maybe I could come sleep over or something..."

 

He said this to you?!?! Okay, I have no doubt in my mind now that your "sexually repressed bible banging crush" is gay and is reciprocating the same feelings you have for him. LOL!

 

Yet this guy continues to puzzle me because someone of his fundamentalist beliefs shouldn't be acting in such a manner, right? Wouldn't we expect someone like this to be so repressed as to be nervous around you, as to not want to call you or (again, I'm still shocked by his use of this word) suggest a "sleepover"...So I wonder if maybe this is some kind of muted "cry for help", some way for him to suggest to you subconsciously that he wants to discuss these issues with you but doesn't know how to broach the subject?

 

Then again, he might also be wanting to experiment with you as a way of attempting to purge himself of these feelings he sees as troublesome; ie. if he can say that he fooled around with another guy, he can convince himself that he doesn't like it and that it's not the "right" thing to do. Don't want to rain on your proverbial parade, but it's something to consider and you're such a nice guy that this emotional toying doesn't deserve to happen to someone like you, who's so confident with himself about his sexuality.

 

I say arrange to do something with him this weekend and confront him about it. Easier said than done, yes...but just think of how much clarity it will bring to this confusing situation, regardless of how it turns out!

 

Hope these $0.02 helped.

[FoxLocke]

It is so frustrating. The logical part of my brain tells me to just not look at him as anymore than a friend. However, he keeps making veiled passes at me...BUT, not wanting to own up to being gay.

I guess I should confront him about it, and let him know. I'm not going to be Jack Twist waiting around for Ennis Del Mar for twenty years just because he is afraid he'll be gay bashed if he comes out. I absolutely don't want that...

But on the otherhand, I don't want to cut ties with a good friend. Perhaps, I should just keep it totally plutonic, even if I have a thing for him. I'm sure it'll eventually ebb. I'm not going to be anyone's sexual experimentation just so they can "figure it all out." It has to be all or nothing.

 

I don't feel like being bothered with someone who's still caught up in that web of confusion. And I don't want my first real gay relationship to be some big secret. If I have someone I would like to tell people.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

"Aw, that's so sweet. I missed you too..."

That right there told me he is definitely gay. No matter how comfortable straight guys are in their sexuality, they would never say that to another guy in that fashion. It's hard to explain, but I am pretty sure of it.

 

As for his religious views, I wouldn't give up just yet, but I also wouldn't wait for something that, unfortunately, may not develop because of it. I say this because, just like you, he may grow away from the Fundamentalist Christian lifestyle and evolve into what he wants to be, not what he was taught to be. If he truly wants this lifestyle, then there is nothing that can be done. But if he is wrestling inside his mind with what he wants as opposed to what he's supposed to have, then you have a dilemma.

 

Love is powerful enough for people to shun everything else they believe in (that may hinder that love) and embrace what they truly want, despite the obstacles and the right-wrong debates. For example, my friend, a full blooded Italian, fell in love with a Jewish woman. In order for him to be fully accepted by her and her family, he would have to convert to being Jewish. So, out of love, he studied Hebrew, flew to Isreal and had a ceremony (I forgot what it was) where he was converted. One part of it, they had to gently stick a needle on the tip of his penis. He almost backed out because of that little tidbit, but he went through it and is now happily married.

 

Now if that ain't love...

[KIDD]

 

Love is powerful enough for people to shun everything else they believe in (that may hinder that love) and embrace what they truly want, despite the obstacles and the right-wrong debates. For example, my friend, a full blooded Italian, fell in love with a Jewish woman. In order for him to be fully accepted by her and her family, he would have to convert to being Jewish. So, out of love, he studied Hebrew, flew to Isreal and had a ceremony (I forgot what it was) where he was converted. One part of it, they had to gently stick a needle on the tip of his penis. He almost backed out because of that little tidbit, but he went through it and is now happily married.

 

Now if that ain't love...

 

 

WOW!! That's a nice story... That shows he really loved her. Anyway Foxlocke, I definitely think he is gay now too by what you've mentioned.I say just relax & go with the flow. I mean if you two are both interested in each other, I'm pretty sure you can put away both of your differences & you never know what could happen later down the line! If it doesn't go well, it just wasn't meant to be I suppose. I say pursue him & see how it goes. I hope I gave some good advice!

[AwdreeHpburn]

Yep!

 

I agree too, Foxlocke. I think you're going to have to either ride it out or straight up ask him.

 

I don't get the christian references though. I'm not christian so I don't get why that is an issue. Because you're moving away from that?? Or because his religion says he can't be gay?

 

Either way, he is so what is he going to do? Not be? And what are you gonna do, hide who you are so he doesn't judge you? That sounds like an awful relationship anyway - even for a friendship.

 

I hope you can ask him, confront it , whatever, and deal with the reaction whatever it may be.

 

If worse comes to worse, we're here to help you through it!

[FoxLocke]

Yep!

 

I agree too, Foxlocke. I think you're going to have to either ride it out or straight up ask him.

 

I don't get the christian references though. I'm not christian so I don't get why that is an issue. Because you're moving away from that?? Or because his religion says he can't be gay?

 

Either way, he is so what is he going to do? Not be? And what are you gonna do, hide who you are so he doesn't judge you? That sounds like an awful relationship anyway - even for a friendship.

 

I hope you can ask him, confront it , whatever, and deal with the reaction whatever it may be.

 

If worse comes to worse, we're here to help you through it!

 

Hi Tar Ree Saw,

 

Well, I used to be devoutly Christian, but I'm in the process of deconverting. The reason why is because...(1.) I don't agree with about 95% of the bible anymore...(2.) The bible looks down on gay people and anyone who doesn't fit the Christian mold. Through alot of soul searching I'm realizing that, perhaps, Christianity is not the way for me.

 

Unfortunately, I live in an area where Christianity is the pervasive religion. Where I live you are automatically assumed to be a Christian, no ifs, ands, or buts. And if you aren't people will try and convert you. And don't even let it be known that you are gay and have any intention of practicing it...Then you are assumed to be possessed by an evil spirit or cursed or something.

 

So therein lies my dilemma! The guy I like--who is quite obviously gay--is a devoutly fundamentalist Christian. His entire life revolves around church and he is always talking about being saved and how he prays and stuff. But, we have all of this chemistry between us...And he has all but said he was gay on one occasion.

And I can relate to him because I used to be very religious and I worked really hard to make myself straight through prayer and ex-gay conversion therapy...But it obviously didn't work. And I can see that he is going through the samething.

 

So I want to be there for him as a friend...But I see where you are coming from. If I am ever going to have a close friendship with him I have to be able to be truthful about myself.

But then I am scared to tell him I'm gay because I don't want anyone trying to convert me back to Christianity and trying to pray demons out of me and etc...This is why I'm hightailing it from my state the moment I get my degree.

[FoxLocke]

Okay, he called me again tonight. And we got into another conversation about spring break.

I asked my mom whether or not I could have a friend come over and stay for a few days over the break. She said it would be fine.

Anyway, I told him it would be okay...but only for about two or three days because I have to work. So he got kind of excited about it.

Then we got into a conversation about the sleeping arrangements. Okay, our house has four bedrooms. One is my mom's, the other is mine, and the other two are guest bedrooms...Mind you, I told him that we had guest bedrooms(and a pull out couch in the den)...But I said...

 

Me: "Well we have two guest rooms, and a sofabed. but if you want to you can sleep in my bed...it's pretty big."

Him: **pause**""Oh yeah, we can do that. Since your room has the television and DVD player."

Me: "So you don't mind sleeping in bed with me? I sleep kind of crazy...I could end up on top of you or something..." **laugh**

Him: "Boy, you're silly. I don't have a problem with it...Just as long as you don't snore."

 

and after that, we got into this conversation about our sexual status...Which he started...

 

Him: "I have a question for you...

 

Me: "Shoot..."

 

Him: "Promise me you won't get mad..."

 

Me: **laugh** "Promise."

 

Him: "Are you a virgin?"

 

At first I thought he was going to ask me was I gay. so I just said...

 

Me: "Yes."

 

Him: " See, I could tell. I'm a virgin too. The both of us have so much in common."

 

Okay, what should I make of this conversation? I think he is trying to tell me he's gay or he wants me to say I'm gay. The more we talk to bolder he becomes with me...I can tell my attraction is a mutual one. BUT, I don't want to end up having sex with him or something and then he starts getting weirded out because of his religious beliefs. Furthermore, there is no way in heck I'm going to let him sleep in my bed with my mom at home...Then I'll definitely have to come out then!

 

I think I should go ahead and tell him...and if he remains my friend that's cool and if he doesn't to heck with him.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Wow. That's the Manny Ramirez Special... straight out of left field.

 

I think I should go ahead and tell him...and if he remains my friend that's cool and if he doesn't to heck with him.

Perfect slogan, not just for him but for everyone else down the road.

[UT]

*hugs FoxLocke* awwws I think our little Fox is getting a boyfriend. He's so big now. I'm so proud if him. And Fox... 2 rules... (1)always condome and (2)never forget the lube.

 

Fox, obviously he's gay... but tell him before he decides to come and live with you. like... "just so you know.." or "before you do something you might not want I must tell you..." well you know best yourself.

 

With me and my sweetheart it was kind of the same thing... just that I didn't know if he liked me the same way. I already knew he was gay and he knew I was gay and we were like really good friends and by the time... we were kinda on friends... more like best friends basis I was head over heal in love with him. Well.. assuming you are going to try and make this work so I'm not going to say anything about that but that I think you should give it a chance. too many people nowadays don't take the chance. Okay they risk being burned but what do they stand to gain?

[Prufrock06]

Fox, obviously he's gay... but tell him before he decides to come and live with you. like... "just so you know.." or "before you do something you might not want I must tell you..." well you know best yourself.

 

 

Couldn't agree more. And it seems from your latest post, FoxLocke, that you're kind of eager to tell him in the sense that everything seems to be coming to some kind of crossroads with this plan for him to stay over for a couple of days. So try and tell him before he ends up coming over (I know it's hard, buddy, but you can do it! and then if he still agrees to come over, then you're golden. Just think of how awkward it might be were something to happen and either of you not knowing what the deal is, especially with him not knowing your sexuality. If he knows about it beforehand, though, then it seems to me like any subsequent interest he shows means that UT's right: you've got a boyfriend

[FoxLocke]

Thanks guys! I must admit that I would love for him to be my man. We have all kinds of things in common. Everything he talks about I can relate to. Today we hung out again and I could not quit smiling...And he noticed and commented about my smile...lol. I just really wanted to lean over and give him a kiss. But that would be way too forward.

 

I know I don't have to tell him how I feel about him. But I should tell him about my sexual orientation. Because if it isn't him that I date it will be some other guy...and as my friend he should accept me and the person I care about. So as a friend to another friend I should allow myself to trust him. So I'll take all of you guy's advice...

 

 

Oh and he can sing too. Today, when we were hanging out he told me he wanted to audition for American Idol. I asked him would he sing something for me. And he sang "I'm in the mood for love." He can sing really well too. It was so sweet...=0)

 

Okay, I'm gushing. I stop now.

 

Anyway, part of me wants to take the risk. And part of me is scared of rejection and ridicule...Like if I tell him then he's going to hold up a crucifix and say he'll pray for me or something.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey, thanks for the explanation, gotta admit I still don't get it but I AM super glad I don't live in that world. Sounds like the opposite of a nirvana or heaven...scary.

 

Best of luck to you dude. I hope, for your comfort, you do get the "hell" out of dodge.

[leprechaun_shoes]

hey FOXLOCKE!

i have been following ur story very closely and i gotta admit that u are in one cool suspenseful situation man is that exciting! i feel like i'm reading my own story sometimes except mine's in girl version and i'm the "bible banger", haha. i actually get the feeling that this will end up being one interesting (a positive "interesting") ride for both of you so i'm cheering you on for the courage to tell your friend abt ur situation. for some reason i believe you can trust this guy, especially since u guys are already friends and it seems like he is pretty excited abt coming over and all, that is one great BIG advantage! abt ur nite together, i just wanted to advise that even if he does have romantic feelings for you (which are likely) it might still be a big step for him to be physically intimate foxlocke, even as much as he might want it... i only say this because i've sorta been there and it's important that he learns to feel comfortable in his own skin before he does anything he might end up regreting and starts hating himself and in the long run hurts both you and him. it seems like u really do care for this guy though and you have lots in common, so especially if he is understanding abt ur feelings for him, possibly even reciprocal, u might wanna help him learn to embrace himself, and not just for ur advantage of course, but i think it's something he might really really need to hear from someone who genuinely cares for him...you know how scary it can be in teh beginning, especially if he's torn between beliefs and his sexuality. i dunno know if this might be helpful but in the case he opens up to u abt himself and his own feelings, u might wanna remind him of these two verses that remind us to come just as we are, and i don't mean to be preachy or anything, i just think he might appreciate them: if he has trouble accepting himself or is feeling ashamed or wrong, remind him of this, "for i am persuaded that neither death nor life nor angels nor principalities nor things present nor thing to come, nor height nor depth nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God" (rom 8:38-39) and i know this helped me overcome any self-imposed or outside condemnation: "However as the Lord has apportioned each one, as God has called each one, so let him walk...each one, in the calling in which he was called, in this let him remain" (1 cor 7:17&20). i hope everything goes excellent foxlocke. do keep us posted!

oh yeah, and don't worry, "he's not going to hold up a crucifix and say he'll pray for you or something!" u'll be fine

ps. for some reason ur nickname makes me wanna say "foxy loxy", lol.

[Jinx]

even Stevie Wonder can see that this guy is gay

 

Had to quote it because I just loved it, when I first read that comment it really made my day. Anyhow moving onto the issue at hand aside of things I find entertaining....

 

Anyway, part of me wants to take the risk. And part of me is scared of rejection and ridicule...Like if I tell him then he's going to hold up a crucifix and say he'll pray for me or something.

 

He may just do that. It is really just a 50/50 I have learned. When in that phase it can go anyway. I remember when I was in my own homophobic phase and my friend came out to me, I just assumed the poor boy was suicidal to be telling anti-gay acting individuals that he was gay, but of course in the end in worked out, I think he knew about my own masquerade just by the way he acted then again.

 

It may be he is just waiting for someone like you to call his bluff. When my friend came out to me, it was just that. I was a psuedo bible thumper and thought I did a pretty good job but he really made me think about my true self when he decided to set everything aside that I had ever said or did and tell me, for better or worse. That may just be what your friend needs too, a kick in the you know what in order to realize himself.

 

Truly it depends just how deep into the closet he is or wants to be. Even if you tell him, he may accept or reject. Its just how it goes. While he may be as gay as the eye and everything else can tell, he may not be able to swallow the idea even though it is painfully obvious. I remember my first crush, when I was interested in her, she was probably the first woman I could pretty much conclude was a lesbian but she was huddled so far in the back of the closet she went into denial and the whole bit and what we had really was lost (friendship to acquaintances).

 

Then I travelled to my hometown awhile after everything and there I by chance ran into her, and her girlfriend. I kind of shake my head and laugh in a way, because it sees like an initiation right to be gay or something, you have to go through that bitter stage of denial before you can truly become yourself. Except potentially in the case of someone who is so open sure and has an accepting environment.

 

Just need to remember and that which many have said and I have learned, the good friends stick with you through thick and thin, coming out included. Anyone else, you really have to wonder. If they're going to dump you off at the side of the road for being * * * * *, what else are they capable of? If you didn't come out, what would be the next thing that they'd throw you out of their lives for? Its the people that accept are what we need. If he decides that he can't deal with you being gay then so be it, he needs to be aware that you will make sacrifices and if he wants to stick by his religion and teaches thats fine but they're not going to corral you in, or change you from being who you truly are. If he accepts but still remains religious he'll probably just need time to accept himself in the final analysis hard as it may be. Then there is always the chance that coming out will receive a response such as, "Me too" or along those lines.

 

I do wish you the best on this and hopefully, just hopefully something will come out of it that is positive. It would be wonderful if all he really needs is a reality check about being himself and you being the person to do that. It maybe more or less but just thinking in an optimistic way for this particular scenario you've been in.