18 Year Age Difference...

[finneganswake]

Now, I do admit to often falling for guys a little older. Usually between 3-7 years age difference. And its not borne out of some desire for a father figure or anything like that. I just find that I get a long a bit better with guys that are older.

 

I've met someone though and it has totally taken me by surprise. I'm 20, he's 38. We randomly met recently, struck up conversation and have found ourselves really taken with each other. So far, we have just been talking on the phone, hanging out for coffee, etc. Defintely taking it slow, although we both are uping the anty in terms of flirting, etc.

 

For one of the very first times I feel like I'm being treated well; he doesn't play games, calls when he says he will, and can actually admit (which most guys in their 20s, in my experience at least, can't/don't want to) that he wants a committed relationship (not implying marriage). When I brought up my feelings about the age gap he said he understood if it made me uncomfortable and that I can break things off whenever, that he has never fallen for anyone much younger than his own age before, but that he feels strongly for me and wants to see what can develop. And, as an aside, I am positive that he isn't married or running any sort of scam on me...he's being honest. I've been to his place, met some of his mates, etc.

 

So I do realise that my asking this question on the forum shows that I am a little uncomfortable with the age gap, but really want to get past it. For now, I am definitely not considering such eventualities such as "what happens when you're 50, and he's...??". Can anyone here offer me a way to think about this in a rational, clearheaded way? I guess I am asking if I should feel bad or wrong about feeling so strongly for him? We can't help who we fall for, can we?

[NJRon]

I don't know if it has anything to do with whether you should feel "bad" or "wrong", because I don't think you should. Instead, you need to ask yourself are you in a position in your life where you think you could actually commit, to anyone, not just him. I mean, you are only 20. Have you been with the people and done the things that you want to do that may preclude a committed relationship with anybody.

 

If you have, and you are comfortable with everything, then I see no reason why you shouldn't pursue it. But yeah, you may not be able to totally help who you fall for, but you can entirely control your actions and whether you decide to pursue somehting or not.

[finneganswake]

Well perhaps under normal circumstances I could give it up. But...

 

He's Australian.

 

The accent is unbelievable! I get butterflies in my stomach when he talks, even if we're talking about something totally non-sexual like the stock markets (I know, "stock markets?!" you say. I like stocks...I'm a self-admitted geek).

 

Obviously, I'm kidding about not being able to break up just because of his hot accent...kinda...

[NJRon]

Hehe... yeah. I think you kind of need to take the accent out of the equation if you want to hit the "rational and clearheaded" approach

[trashy]

I think you should be more concerned with how you will feel when around his friends. Age gaps like that are generally taboo. Everywhere you go people will be thinking that you are young enough to be his daughter. You will be the age of his friend's children. You need to make sure you take all this into consideration!

[bexcelant]

Ya it's taboo but only in the USA. In South America it's normal. In China its normal too. Here we put so much emphasis on age that it's a social taboo. Course there are people who don't care like Donald Trump or that guy who married Anna Nichole Smith. There are others more at our level. My uncle is 68 and married a 33 year old..getting along fine and have a new baby.

[finneganswake]

Trashy, I see you point...but using your rationale, he would have fathered me when he was 18...thats not usually considered a normal age that guys have kids, so no, people wouldn't see me as his daughter. If not for the age factor, then definitely for the fact that he is white and I'm black.

 

And I wouldn't really say its "taboo" either. Perhaps frowned upon in some areas. We're in the UK though. If and when I meet his friends, I would think that the first thing he says wouldn't be "Hey guys, meet Finneganswake and she's only 20!" but rather just "Hey guys, meet Finneganswake!" We talked about it tonight actually and he made a good point: how often, when you're telling a friend about a new relationship, do you mention the person's age? When a friend is telling you about a new relationship, do you typically ask "how old is he/she?" Rather, you usually talk about how awesome the person is, where you met them, etc. It's assumed that if you're dating someone, they are obviously an adult as welland that if you like them, its because you have some things in common.

 

If his friends were to come to know my age, I'm sure he'd get a few pat on the back, some winks, some "alright, well done mate!" type comments, but, if they are good friends, they wouldn't necessarily make a big deal out of it.

[vixens husband]

Some of my problems are probably because of age gap (check my posts), I say "some" not all because I think it could have worked. I am 46 she is 23. We met just before she turned 20. We have both experienced for the past three years the looks and inuendo of our friends and family and the downright glaring disapproval of strangers.

 

Look in retrospect my advice is "don't" if its worth anything, once you are past about 30 the age gap become irrelevent but in your 20s it is important. Even ten years is important at that age. I am trying to think of examples but I can see it in my wife, she will come out to family and friends with me but she often feels out of the loop, I am sure, she makes friends more readily with their (early 20's) kids than with the parents, she has nothing to talk to my friends about and she is an extremely intelligent and well developed woman. Like it or not we will develop along the lines of how we perceive ourselves and how other people see and reflect us. Our culture casts a stigma on the very young wife and this is something you would have to live with for ever, it will affect you.

 

Sorry for the doom and gloom. I feel like Marvin the Paranoid Android (if you don't know Marvin don't go out with you Aussie man any more (BTW, I am also an Aussie male, love your comments about the accent).

[finneganswake]

I do know who Marvin the Paranoid Android is!

 

I appreciate your input. But, I think your age difference is perhaps a bit greater than mine.

 

Sure the relationship might have difficult moments, but what relationship doesn't?

[Miss M]

VH makes some excellent points. And it's a good idea to think over the age difference. In the beginning when you're first "falling" for a person, it's easy to gloss over things, but it's a good idea to also stay grounded and think of how you will feel when your relationship has fallen into a routine. Yes, there will be comments and looks from friends, family, strangers, and you have to evaluate how well you're able to deal with that. And consider that there will be no end to the looks from strangers, (since there is no end to strangers). Even the race difference adds another measure of comments and looks, so be realistic about how much you're able to handle.

 

The oldest guy I ever dated was 16 years older than me, but he looked even 10 years older than that. And I'm often taken to be 5-10 years younger than I am, so it was ... "interesting." We only dated for 2 months, but he got the winks and pats on the back. Others thought I was his daughter because we even looked like we were related. We only dated 2 months, so I didn't ever get around to introducing him to my family, but I still don't know how my father would have reacted to knowing I was dating a guy who looked even older than him.

 

But then again, there are many couples with vast age differences who are committed, extremely fulfilled, and very happy. I think it works best when you are both very comfortable with yourselves.