Depression in my own words

[sugarandspice]

hey guys

as you well know i suffer a lot with depression,,,ive been on anti ds for about a year now, i take the dose for bulimia. but obviously it hasnt stopped it, but i do think i binge on less amounts of food. I still have really bad lows aswell and i still think about life and death far too mcuh to the point it scares me and i just dont see the point of being here when im down and we dont live very long anyway....just need some meaning.

 

i used to have faith in god when i was younger and i suppose that kept me going through thinking there was something there and that there was some sort of afterlife. I used to believe our sole (our feelings) lived on and it was only our body that died. Ive never written about this before.

but as i grew up those feelings faded, and i guess doing science at school paid a big part in things!! i then had the opinion and the horrible feeling at the bottom of my belly and back of my head all the time that theres nothing there. No comfort. No afterlife. when you die i now think you just die and thats it nothing else. its just the feeling of when you werent born, nothingness. nothing. and it makes me feel all the time well whats the point?!!

 

i used to always have this feeling when i was under stress. Like for instance i was in a practical exam or was doing something i had been really worrying about. I would think omg this is it, im here right now, i have to deal with it....and i would panic and panic...and wouldnt be able to concentrate.

 

for years ive always had this stupid feeling where im lying down in my living room and looking into the dining room and the thought suddenly entres my head of omg this is it this is life and i will die some day...i never know when and then what???nothingness for ever. and i scare myself. i think one day im not going to be here, have no feelings for eternity, just nothingness. it scares the * * * * out of me.

 

when im down i think about death a lot more. I think whats the point in being here when all i do is throw up and panic about my weight and hate myself and live in a nightmare, and i think to myself i hate life and i dont want to be here and you dont live long anyway and i have nothing to live for and nothing to get up for each day. Every sec of every day is a struggle with bulimia and i just dont see the point of living when theres no way out of this nightmare.

 

i think theres something wrong with me as im sure normal folks dont think like this. Also one min i could be feeling ok, the next wanting to rid myself. i also get anxious and panicy and have a feeling of racing. i get this when i think about food and tell myself i must not binge. I get sooo panicy around food and cant relax. i cant relax full stop to be honest, just can't calm down... alot of the time i cant sleep at night...i sleep a lot in the day. sometimes i feel this energy bursting out of me...i usually just go and binge...i cant explain it very well but i dont think its normal. How i feel prevents me from functioning normally everyday! when im almost hyper i guess i cant do anything, i cant relax, i cant read, i cant take any information in. i can easily turn to being depressed and then cant function either. i binge and then i get down about my weight. i cant be bothered to do anything, i cant even do washing! or even wash my hair. i just cant function in everyday life in the way i feel. I know its not normal!!

im going to get a docs appt and tell her what ive written here as i cant go on like this im starting to think i really have some disorder. ill stop rambling!!!!!!!!!!i just wanted to write and get out how i felt.

x

[mittens]

Do you have friends close friends, cos i myself suffered bad depression for a whole year once and was on the apprpriate tablets for it, and i used to think that, how i am now is this: life is what you make it its only boring and not worthwhile if u just sit around and let every day pass you by, i got off the tablets cos all they did was make me worse, i started talking to my mum alot more and telling her how i felt and i found that it helped me see that my life was that shallow cos only i had let my self go, my way of getting better was my mum i told her everything and a close friend who i talked too aswell helped me see that there was more to life than what i was doing to myslf, i also made my own appointment to see a therapist and she also made me feel better just voicing how i felt to her made alot of difference as soon as i felt like i was worth something my eating pattern got healthier too cos i pulled myslf out of that barrell and became the lid

[sugarandspice]

thanx for your reply. i do have my mum i talk to a lot. ive always felt though that ive never belonged to anyone or anywhere. My parents split when i was 10 and i could never understand how my dad or how any dad could just not love his family and not care and just disappear. i cant get over that even now i was crying myself to sleep the other night just thinking about it. He was never a real dad anyway. It pisses me off so much how can he just not love us? my mum at that time also started to see someone else, which i felt hard, i guess i felt abandoned and not wanted and not loved! i developed my e.d as a way of punishment, something to focus on and as a way to tell me hello! notice me! im not happy!!!ive written about it so many times. I still cant get over what happened when i was younger. it still haunts me and i am living in the house i have lived in my whole life which doesnt help.

 

Anyway i gabble!!!friends!!ive never had a close pack of friends. In fact i went through school being so alone and bullied and not having anyone.last year i looked at groups of friends that have grown up together and feel heartbroken that ive never had that. ive always been alone. And ive looked at families who are together and who go out together and have a laugh and i feel heartbroken again. I dont belong anywhere.

 

Going to uni ( i went for a term before i gave up my course) was prob the best time of my life. I was myself, no on knew me, i had a huge circle of friends. so many people knew me and i just loved the social life. Unfortuanlty i couldnt cope with the course and gave up. I thought i would fail it before i went and i guess i was too scared of failour to carry on with it. I was too anxious and worried all the time about the work. but at uni i didnt get down as much and if i did ever get down then i had my friends around me!! for the first time in my life i felt i belonged somewhere and had lots of friends but i have given all that up now. Thats the only reason i wanted to go to uni, to belong somewhere and to show myself i could have a good time!i didnt want to study the course i was doing.

 

recenlty i have felt down due to a guy. I thought i belonged with him and wenever im with him i want to live. but then it really hit me that hes not right and i am with him for the wrong reasons and it hit me like a tonne of bricks and i was just so down i wanted to die in the last week!!! as i dont belong anywhere and dont have anyone to get up for!!!! i wrote a post on here about him.

 

 

 

i suppose the fact i just want to belong somewhere and to a family/friends/bf !!!!! plays a huge part in how i feel.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I can relate to that, I have come cloes to being OK through religion and the like on a couple of occasions though..Buddhism is a good one.

And well...if there is nothing after this life, then you wont care when you die. But there is plenty of reason to think that there is something else after we go..study Philosophy a bit, youll see what I mean. Although, the thought that Ill never end even after death seems alittle derpessing in itself some days.