dealing with divorce

[ruffjp]

This is the first time I've posted, I am currently going through a divorce after 16 years of what I thought was a decent marriage. My wife just graduated from college with a Bachelors degree in nursing. Our relationship has been very trying from time to time, but I thought we would always find a way to keep things together. She has steadily grown apart from me the past two years, I saw it but thought when she graduated we would come back together as the financial pressure would be relieved. We began attacking one another and I said things in anger that I could never do. One day she just announced that she was done, she still loved me but didn't want to be married anymore. Since that time she has emotionally separated but I have not. Our circumstances dictate that we must still live together and the emotional seperation is killing me. I still want her and love her with all my heart and don't know what to do. Our divorce will be final on march 2nd.

[butterflycloud]

Have you been for counselling?

[ruffjp]

We have not been to marital counseling at this point I don't think she would go.

[brando]

It almost sounds as if she waited for her schooling to be done and then told you she wanted out of a marriage. That sucks.

 

Well the best thing to do is to let her go. Your going to have to be strong here, real strong. Show little, and i mean very little emotion. Listen to what she is saying and show her you understand. You will ned to hold onto those emotions for now. Part of loving a spouse is to want them to be happy. And if this is what she thinks will make her happy, then support her decision on this.

I read somewhere that when a lover tells you they no longer want the relationship, then let them go. Convincing them to stay, or to try and change their minds is selfish, it isn't out of love.

 

I recently got over a divorce. My x wife intiated it and i did all the wrong things, i reactd like a child, it wasnt pretty for me. All my insecurities just flowed out of me. I resisted, and i found out later what i resist will persist.

 

I mentioned this once before, but sometimes in situations like these, one sometimes has to remember the solution to a chineese finger puzzle, the first reaction is to pull ones fingers apart to escape this little puzzle, and that just binds and tightens the fingers up. One needs to stop and think and DO THE OPPOSITE of what their intial reaction may be.

 

If you should remember and try to do the opposite over her decision, react in accordance with her, it will at least save you face.

 

Right now anything you do that does not validate her decision is a big strike against you. That is why perhaps even agreeing with her that it is a good decision to end this marriage will carry yo a long way rather than resisting it.

 

A tough situation to be in, I know i never want to be there again.

 

be well, and take care of you.

 

brando

[ruffjp]

Thanks for the input. I am having alot of trouble with the seperation of emotions because our situation dictates that we live together for another year. She was just recently in a car accident and her injuries have left her off of work for a good while. I have been the only real support for her through this so far, and it doesn't seem to mean anything to her.

[brando]

Thats a tough situation. Where is her family? Maybe they can come and pick her up and take care of her, it isnt fair to you at all. I give you credit for living with her and helping her.

 

I would seriously talk to her about contacting her family. She is taking advantage of these injuries, and seems to be using you. Dont let her do that. Regardless of her situation.

 

 

I am curious. I dont think you mentioned it, who filed for the divorce???

[ruffjp]

Her mom is about an hour away and it was two weeks after crash before her mom even came to see her, so her mom is not very reliable. I am also making sure kids get to and from school, doing everything around the house. I suppose I am just laying down and letting everyone walk on me but I can't leave the ones I love to suffer. By the way she filed for the divorce.

[NJRon]

I can't believe how selfish she is being. She needs to live with the consequences of her actions. I empathize with how you feel and why you are doing what you are doing. However, it will hurt both of you more in the long run if you don't allow her to confront the repercussions of her decision.

 

If she filed for divorce, I hope you have retained a lawyer of your own.

[brando]

Well i can understand you have the kids to take care of, and her injury is also a burden you are dealing with.

 

I guess its ok in a sense to assist her until the divorce is finalized, you both are still husband and wife.

 

I guess your sitiuation is difficult, painful, fustrating and just plain sucks.

 

Well i agree with the previous poster, make sure you contact a lawyer and dont get swept up in her injury, you still need to take care of you, and your kids.

 

Hope things work out for the best.

[silhouette]

I've been separated from my husband for 2 years..I have lived in Nc for 2 years and he in colorado. I was told by the da and social service to move and not tell him after he held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me. I have been trying to get a divorce but im not sure how and am low on funds. I just want free advice on it before i decide what i should do. I know he will fight for custody over the children, but feel he is a danger to them. He is on drugs and has pscological problems. (he thinks hes a wizard and a reincarneted warlord) these were his excuses for being abusive. my children and now 4 and soon 7. they were 2 and 4 when i left for nc. they dont remember him but my oldest does remember the gun. I dont want him to have any form of contact with us, nor do i want him to pay child support. I'm with a very nice man who supports us and feels the same way. I want to strip him of parental rights and just keep him as far away from me as possible..i am scared that he will find me tho. He told me once that if i ever left him he would either kill himself, disappear and never pay child support or kill my children and i then himself. What can i do. in the town hes in..hes the home boy and the cops are on his side. they think that (thats just him and he doesnt meen it) and (he has every right to those kids as i do)..i dissagree.

help

[ruffjp]

Well tomorrow is my court date 930 am. I am still very confused about what has happened in my relationship, but I have come to grips with the fact that we will no longer be married. I don't quite know how we are going to deal with living together, but I suppose god will work it out. We just really don't have any choice at the moment and I figure god has a reason for putting us in this situation. I am just going to go with the flow of things and see what happens.