new gf scared of any commitment

[jalex20]

I just started a relationship with this girl, it hasn't been long at all - about 2 months or so. Anyway as far as I can tell (as she explains), she is totally afraid of commitment - and I don't really know how to deal with it. A bit of background - both in mid-20s and we're both living in the same town (both from different overseas countries) to study here).

 

Here's a bit of background. We hooked up in Dec about a week before she went home for Xmas. After that, she came back but I was on holiday for a bit. Came back to a nice email saying "I saw my ex-bf and I am confused and really don't know what I want". Apparently this meeting was completely by chance (a friend verified) - and bear in mind he lives in a diff country. Thinking email dumpings as lame, I rang her and said cmon lets talk. Anyway she saw me one time before we had our talk (she had an exam so this was a week later) and she said she likes me more than platonic, but just got scared by moving too fast; asking can she take it slow. I said OK. A week later she came over 'as a friend' we just hung out, and spoke about various things like traveling around the country we're currently in. She basically then asked if we could still be together, because she decided that after seeing me-hanging out that it is what she really wants....

 

So since then we've been seeing each other a bit. Going out together to various social things, as well as hanging out just the two of us. She had to go home for a week for some exams, but she sent me an email or two saying she missed me, etc. She missed her flight back on Valentines Day (that was not intentional but we spoke on the phone; so she came back a few days later. Even though she had to work almost instantly, we spent a lot of time together and it was amazing. She told me she wasn't into valentines/romance tpye things. One night, I made a candlelight dinner with champagne etc. She said wow nobody had ever done something like that before. I also gave her a card I made and kindof a joke gift (mutual joke, but not distasteful nor like some vomit worthy teddybear or something). She said thanks etc, etc. BUt it was kinda hard to judge her reaction. On Sat she left some stuff (inc her ph) at my house before going to a party. Her ph kept going off so I thoguht I'd return it. She said (via email - no phone remember) she'd come get it on Mon but I wasn't going to be there; so I dropped it back to her house on Sun. Sun had aweird tension in the air; basically it was like she didn't want me there. Fair enough, granted she was busy (I could see it as when I arrived late at night she was reading like crazy - I saw her before I even knocked on the door). Though having said that, I thought a few mins to say hello should be ok. I was a bit taken aback, so I didn't contact her on Mon. We already had plans to go somewhere on Tues, so on Mon night she sent me a message basically saying "I'm bored at work, look forward to seeing you tomorrow, ". Didn't reply until Tue afternoon where she said "Heya hope you're alright - didn't hear from you. ". The Tuesday (last night) going out thing was fine, maybe a little bit weird cos we both knew Sun was a little strange. So we get back to mine and eventually start talking. She explained that she doesn't know why she was like 'leave' on Sun, and that she's independent and isn't one of those 'let's see eachother constantly' type of girls until after a long time (6 months). But then she said stuff like 'I haven't liked anyone this much this quickly ever', and 'I don't know but I'm so stupid, I don't know why I feel like I have to wait before moving on (in terms of moving to fast, not as leaving)". She was obviously a bit upset. Then she said things "you know, it's almost like your too nice to me and I don't believe it", etc (actually that was what she said her good friend suggested to her - and she agreed). Ahh yeah, I also asked her whether she likes things like the candlelit dinner or not - she said she liked the card I made, and that she did like the dinner but previously she thought she didn't because nobody had ever done that for her before. Also, she told me that her friend told her that "yes whenever someone gives you something, you dont like to feel indebetted" - which she also said was correct. She said she started talking to her friend cos she saw the present. I reassured that she wasn't stupid etc, and suggested maybe to stop constantly thinking/planning and just feel. Anyway I can't remember all that was said, but the impression I got is that she does feel strongly but she doesn't know what's up with wanting the slowness/gaps/breaks.

 

Gosh this is long. Be surprised if anyone is still reading.

 

Basically she is a meticilous planner, constantly planning everything - from the days, weeks and months ahead. She even told me that her friends in backhome tease her about that - i.e. she's famous for it. I don't really want ot be another burden in the schedule. actually she also said "I know you have things to do, but you're always available", to which I told the trust "well, I make myself available". On leaving on Tues night I said - when you want to catch up, call me. She suggested Thursday (despite having work). Then she said she'd call me today.

 

I'm not sure whether I'd have to see her everyday to be content, I really don't think so. But I would need the occasional reassurance that I was cared for and/or wanted even if due to other commitments, we couldn't meet. I.e. that she would want to see me if she could, rather than schedule in an appt for me. Should I try and probe her past to see why she is so fearful? She did tell me there's only ever been one guy she's actually loved. Probably it's better to let her work it out? Ordinarily, if I was having these sorts of problems already; I'd have left. But I don't know why, there is something about her - like I fell for her the first time I met her. So I guess it's hard to believe that that feeling was so wrong, cos I've never felt it before. And my impression after talking last night is that she also feels strongly for me, which is what is making things harder/worse...

 

I really don't know how to play this situation which is completely new to me!

 

Thanks for reading, any advice is appreciated.

 

jalex.

[Derek]

My first thoughts are:

 

she isn't ready, she doesn't have the maturity to explore the deeper levels with you yet, thus the timing is wrong.

 

Maybe she is the right one for you, but she may not be the right one right now. Maybe she needs time on her own or even with other guys to realize who she is and what she wants.

 

How about you tell her what you feel, but you can tell her the timing seems to be wrong for your relationship, tell her to go and find out what she needs to find out about life and you be sure to say you aren't going to wait...

 

Maybe the realization that you aren't always gonna be "too nice" and you won't "always be available", will even out the relationship instead of it being one-sided.