attracted to the bad boys for me?

[1824blue]

Bare with me this is slightly complicated...

 

I have this ex boyfriend (we will call him brad) who I dated for 2.5 years I was age 19 - 21 (I am now 23) It was a great relationship, he was a great boyfriend. On paper he was everything I would look for in a man, except the fact that I kind of always had wondering eyes away from him, I never felt like I truly wanted to settle down with him, I felt like I still had more that I wanted to experience and maybe there was more out there. He loved me with his whole heart and for all the right reasons, he brought out the very best in me, was always there to listen and always knew exactly what to say. Or most of the time, he was also human We hardly ever fought, it was a great relationship. We broke up because of unavoidable circumstances, he moved away for a year of school and I moved back home after the Olympics that I had been training for the past 4 years in the city we were living in at the time.

 

We have kept in touch ever since on and off, but have not seen each other in person. He has not really been in a relationship since. i however have been in a few relationships since. A couple that lasted less then 6 months and the most recent that lasted a year. My relationships since have been with men that I was super attracted to physically, (more so then Brad) but they were with men that were not really emotionally available to me, it was almost like it was the challenge for me that I was attracted to. My last relationship was close to if not totally emotionally abusive. I loved him but in the end i allowed myself to be walked all over and I kept coming back for more until it finally just ended for good.

 

Due to my experiences being involved in other relationships after Brad I have grown to realize how special Brad is and was, and that I think I may be more attracted to the wrong kind of men for me. Speaking personally, but it is important...the sex with brad was great however that fire and passion and the feeling of crazy desire was way stronger with the men that were not so emotionally available, or I wanted to fix them, or what not.

 

I am just wondering if this is a problem I have that I am more attracted to men that need fixing, or present more of a challenge that I need to let go of? If so how do I? Also how important is that steamy physical attraction in a long term healthy relationship?

[RayKay]

Hi 1824 -

 

I don't think it is "uncommon" to be attracted to emotionally unavailable men...I think many of them also have a certain outgoing, confident, busy nature where they have many friends and are highly regarded in general.

 

I think often we are attracted to those latter qualities, not so much to the fact they are "emotionally unavailable" as often we only realize the latter as we get to know them more.

 

It definitely can be a problem though to keep going for these types...I find in those relationships you never quite feel "a priority", you never get that emotional fulfillment, and that partnership you need at some point inside you. It's also important to realize right now maybe that crazy desire is there because you are trying to "win" these men over, and seek their approval, and it's blinding you to the possibility of mutual crazy passion

 

Physical chemistry is important, however so is emotional, intellectual, spiritual chemistry. I really do believe you can find the whole package, but it just takes some time, and being aware you want someone whom can offer it all. Realize that sometimes the greatest passion and physical chemistry can be found when the rest of the relationship has a LOT going for it too.

[NJRon]

I have a history of going after emotioanlly unavailable women. It's my own fault that I end up getting hurt in the end. It is definitely passionate because you work so hard to "win" them and when you do, it's a rush.

 

Now, however, I'm kind of over the whole need for the rush. I'm finding the attraction of a more mellow love much more appealing.

[Karibo]

Oh my God! I am almost scared at how similar your story is to mine! It's as if I have written this!

 

I was with a guy for three years and we had a fabulous relationship, he went to uni so we broke up after a year realising that there was more out there to be experienced. Then I fell for a couple of guys (brothers lol) who I expereinced amazing physical chemistry with, with great sex but they were emotionally unavailable and became abusive. I have realised that I am generally more attracted to the bad boys because it's something about the amazing sexual chemistry that they have, but I now realise I deserve to be treated with great respect, and that looks definetly aren't everything. I understand however that these kind of relationships are incredibly addictive. Two years on from my fling with the first guy and we still have the exact same addictive sexual chemistry and its incredibly hard to stop. You can read about my earlier post if you like - "I can't take this anymore".

 

I advise you to try and look for a balance in future men - Look for people who you find quite attractive but also have a great personality - difficult I know! I know what you're thinking - that there won't be so much of that exciting sexual chemistry, but surely that is far better than being abused by these men?? Anyhow, sexual chemistry grows and develops over time when you are genuinely in love and respect the other person.

 

I've begun to realise that yes, sometimes it is fantastic and I feel totally ok with just sleeping with these types of "bad boys", but ONLY if I know for sure i will not become emotionally attatched, but even then, that is near to impossible and you end up getting hurt, or addicted.

 

Please start to respect yourself as a person and not just your bodily desires. It is good to have fun and gain expereince, but please be careful, with your emotions and with protection.

 

Hope this helps

 

Karibo

[Cyberchick]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm just reading through these posts and Karibo, I really like what you said --- to look for a balance in men. I'm with someone right now where the sexual chemistry was off to a rocky start, but slowly over time, I am finding the passion with him and the emotional bond. Like 1824blue and many others on here, I have had a past with men who treated me really badly but with who the sex was great. I was involved with a man a year ago with who the sex was amazing but lied to and manipulated me, and was inherently selfish. But I still have trouble getting him out of my system in many ways. Sexually I would prefer that guy to my current guy but in every other way I prefer my current boyfriend. And the sexual chemistry is deepening slowly. I'm just learning how to open myself up to my bf now and it's difficult but I'm being patient. I really think he's worth it.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Unsuitable men...the last one I was attracted to I thought was for all the "normal reasons" at the time, eg he was good looking, slim, intelligent, fairly amusing..and VERY confident, at a time when I wasnt.

 

It took an unfortunate and unpleasant incident with this guy, and a lot of time, to work out that what I craved (I fancied him BADLY) was not HIM, but what he HAD..eg, confidence. Looking back, it becomes painfully clear..hindsight..tch.