Turning off my "critical" attitude of others

[Celadon]

Some of you have read my previous posts about how I struggle with getting annoyed by people. You gave me good advice about not trying to control people, just accepting them, etc. (Thanks!)

 

Today I had a little "AHA!" moment. Basically, it's that somewhere deep down a part of me must be convinced that 'controlling' other people will bring me happiness. Of course, this is totally wrong, and I've proven it over and over through one irritating situation after another. My mom is like this, though, so I finally see where I got it from.

 

Anyway, to help me CHANGE my attitude, I've got another question to ask everyone. Bear with me, this may sound stupid. (At least I'm being honest!)

 

If you don't have expectations of people that they "should" act a certain way, then how do you relate to them? In other words, if your attitude is totally "I'm okay, you're okay" where does your satisfaction come from in dealing with people?

 

Yes, I'm asking for you all to be analytical about something that's probably intuitive, but break it down for me if you can. I'd really appreciate it, 'cause my intuition seems to be broken.

 

I know I have to accept the fact that changing the other person is not the solution to my irritation. (Well, sometimes it is, if someone's yelling in my ear and I have to ask them to stop, for example.) But what do I do after that? Like, what if my co-workers are goofing off? After I accept that I'm not going to try to control them, what do I do or think next? What would you do?

 

This is probably a weird post, but thanks for any thoughts you might have.

[melrich]

what if my co-workers are goofing off? After I accept that I'm not going to try to control them,

 

Hi. I'm not sure about teh terminology here. By goofing off do you mean they are not doing their work? Or do you mean they are clowning around briefly to have some fun?

 

If the former, I don't think anyone would have been telling you to ignore bad behaviour.

 

If the latter, why not join them?

[ocrob]

It sounds like your are either a perfectionist or very uptight. I am guessing that you are just serious about doing a good job and that is respectable. Just be the best you can be and don't worry about other people. If you truly do not like certain people, then keep your distance. You just may have other ideals and ambitions and that is ol, Some people are more mature than others and you just have to try to deal. Try to be accepting and just do your thing.

[Celadon]

Hi. I'm not sure about teh terminology here. By goofing off do you mean they are not doing their work? Or do you mean they are clowning around briefly to have some fun?

 

Hi melrich. Well, they clown around so much that, yeah, they do a minimum of work. One guy will surf the internet then go talk about something he just read with another co-worker for 10 minutes. Then he'll do a little work, but within 20 minutes he's back to talking again.

 

I'll join them a couple of times a day, but not three times an hour. I find it's a bit challenging for me to keep my "equilibrium" (and not be critical) when they're habitually slacking off. But as I said in my OP, keeping my peace about me is definitely what I need to learn to do. I have to figure out how to turn off my brain. LOL.

[Celadon]

Great. Today my boss shafted me. He asked me to tell a co-worker to get a project done this week. I did.

 

Then when he talked to her, he made it sound like I was the one pushing for her to get it done. What a classy boss, I tell ya. (yeah, he's also one of the goof offs...)

[talo]

Great. Today my boss shafted me. He asked me to tell a co-worker to get a project done this week. I did.

 

Then when he talked to her, he made it sound like I was the one pushing for her to get it done. What a classy boss, I tell ya. (yeah, he's also one of the goof offs...)

I would like to address your last Post first K8tie. From this and your previous posts in other threads, it sounds like you do not have clearly defined responsibilities (expectations) in your workplace. Is this the case? If so, I would suggest you set about getting or setting some.

 

For example, if you are a co-worker, how come you have to 'pass on the boss's expectations'? You are not a supervisor are you?

 

As seen here, a workplace does have expectations and if clearly defined, lead to a happier workforce; ie, there is no expectation put on anyone other than those defined.

 

If I am reading your situation correctly, it is no wonder that you are 'having trouble with expectations', especially at work.

[Celadon]

As seen here, a workplace does have expectations and if clearly defined, lead to a happier workforce; ie, there is no expectation put on anyone other than those defined.

 

That is very insightful, talo. Thank you. And it leads me to thinking that perhaps I have a deeper issue with expectations and authority. Given how I grew up, with parents who did not provide much guidance, that could explain a lot. I've do prefer strong leaders, but never considered the question of how to approach expectation-less (confusing) situations before. Sometimes I resent having to give situations structure when I am not the leader; I feel that would be taking on responsibility that goes beyond my job. Such is my situation now.

 

BTW, regarding my rant about my boss - yes, I am senior to my co-worker, so it is logical that I would tell her to finish up the project. However, it was my boss's idea, so I felt he should take responsibility for it, not make it seem like it was my doing. I'm still disappointed by that, but oh well. It's not worth holding onto.

[NJRon]

There is nothing wrong with setting expectations. I think the issue is getting so wrapped up in other people meeting those expectations instead of observing where they fall and then either enforcing your expectation, or changing it.

 

As an example, Valentine's Day. A woman may *expect* to receive flowers. Instead, she receives a card. She can choose to be disappointed because the gentleman didn't meet her expectations of flowers, or she can adjust her expectations and realize a card is adequate to meet her needs.

 

That's really boiled down, because we base expectations on two things. Our needs/Wants and on communication. If you *want* flowers and don't tell him, but he says he is planning on sending you a card, you would probably set your expectations on getting a acrd, while getting flowers would be even cooler. If you tell him that you want flowers and he gets you a card, then he failed your expectations. If neither of you communicated this fact at all, The he would fail your expectations (for not receiving the flowers) and you would fail his expectations (not being happy receiving a card).

 

In your workplace, it works the same, except expectations are often SET by people... communicated one-way. Through the chain of command. If you have a set of expectations about work, and they are not being met, you can change your expectations, or keep them and be miserable in your job, or find a job where the expectations in the office are similar to those you have.

 

I don't think it's a bad expectation to have that people work diligently through the day and not goof off. I think that the expectation is different than those of your co-workers and, apparently your boss. thereforeeee, your expectation is out of line with your work environment. The only way to adjust expectations is through communication.

 

One of my expectations is if a supervisor asks me to do something... especially if it concerns how I amange someone else, then they NOT go to that perosn and speak with them directly about it. I feel strongly about chain of command and do not appreciate mixed signals. That's just my expectation and it fits into some work environments and not in others. If i was in a different environment, I may change it, or leave and find a new environment that fit my expectations.

[talo]

Nice post NJRon.

 

Hi K8tie,

 

....it leads me to thinking that perhaps I have a deeper issue with expectations and authority. Given how I grew up, with parents who did not provide much guidance, that could explain a lot.

Yes, expectation and authority issues may well be part of 'the family way'.

 

I've do prefer strong leaders, but never considered the question of how to approach expectation-less (confusing) situations before. Sometimes I resent having to give situations structure when I am not the leader; I feel that would be taking on responsibility that goes beyond my job. Such is my situation now.

As seen here, it is not so much a matter of being expectationless, it is more of 'seeing what expectations are'. If I expect, I am setting myself up for either 'fulfillment' or disappointment, a high or a low. I have learned that I am in fact more fulfilled and less disappointed if I do not 'hold expectations to tightly'. In other words if I do not expect with 'great expectation', but with more of a 'mild interest'. In this way I am not so attached to outcomes, and am more interested in process.

 

You talk of "taking on responsibility that goes beyond my job". As seen here, your 'real job', your real responsibility is your response-ability. Ie, your ability to respond in order to 'protect' your response-abilities. Protecting your responding abilities is not taking on responsibility that will jeopardise your ability to respond to situations appropriately. As seen here this is your real "situation now".

 

...it was my boss's idea, so I felt he should take responsibility for it, not make it seem like it was my doing. I'm still disappointed by that, but oh well. It's not worth holding onto.

As seen here, what your boss has responsibiliy for is the fact that he asked you to give this instruction to your co-worker. How you deal with the fact that he 'made this instruction yours' is up to your response-ability.

[NJRon]

Hey, I like that... response-ability