Why can't he just accept my past?

[babypink61]

I always thought that it's good to be honest with your partner . . . that's why my boyfriend and I share everything with each other, and sometimes we would openly discuss our past relationships. We don't really hide anything from each other. So I had mentioned that I once had a friends w/ benefits relationship with one of my friends' bestfriends (I did not know him until she introduced us). At first he didn't seem to care . . . but after a couple of months I could tell that something was bothering him. And then he finally told me that he had a problem with that, even though that had happened way back before I even met my boyfriend. I don't understand why he would even be bothered by this? His excuse was that he was just bothered by my whole attitude towards the whole situation. And that I didn't think it was a big deal at all. Basically he said that I had "cheapened" myself. We've had talks about this and I thought he was over it. But then last week all of a sudden the topic popped up again and we got into an argument, and now we are on a break. I really don't know what I should do. I don't even know why he's behaving this way. He's had one night stands before, but he didn't think it was a big deal because mine was actually "planned". Where as, his was something that happened unexpected. Talk about double standards! I think his whole point is that he wants me to admit that I regret what I did but I am not going to do that because that's not how I feel at all. It's not like I cheated on my past boyfriends or something.

 

We've been together for almost a year now and I am very happy with him except for this. I think I am willing to keep this relationship going as long as he tells me he can forget about my past. The last time I spoken with him was a week ago and I don't know how long this break will last . . . should I just break up with him? Argh . . . I'm so indecisive . . .

[Mandy22]

I definetly don't think you should break up with him. It seems unfair that he would be ok with his one-night stands in the past with random girls, but have such a problem with your friend with benefits. Sometimes I find guys can be really sensitive, so if the topic of past relationships comes up with my boyfriend, I just tell him to let the past stay in the past, that it's not important to our relationship in the here and now. I think it is good to have an honest relationship, but things are private, and you really don't have to share everything with your partner. If there are some things that really wouldn't have an impact on your relationship, or something that he could live with not knowing, then I wouldn't tell him.

Also, you didn't cheapen yourself as he said. If he can have one night stands with girls, which is kind of the equivalent of just using them for sex, why can't you have had the same thing with one guy? I think you should make that clear to him. Double standards aren't cool. Also, I would let him take his break. Don't contact him, you did nothing wrong here. He will come around and will probably feel immature for acting the way he did. He should just accept that no one can change their past, even if they want to, and its no way to live worrying about it.

Good luck

[redhook]

As a man I can understand where he is coming from. It is his problem to deal with not yours however. When a man is in love we want to believe that our girl is a pure wholesome one that would never have done anything we did. It is hard to understand but that is how we men think. Give him space and he most likely will end up missing you and want you back.

[LiquidCherry]

I can understand jealousy. I'm a little jealous of my boyfriends past even though number wise mine is more extensive. I don't bring it up ever though, I doubt he even knows as it's not his problem, it's mine. It doesn't make sense, it's an immature attitude and I don't think it *should* effect your relationship.. Problem being that it is.

 

Does he still bring it up or is it you asking him if he is still bothered? If he's bringing it up at this point that is a problem. If he only says he's bothered when you ask him about it I'd say to stop asking. And if he ever says that you've cheapened yourself again tell him that you're going to find someone who can value you for something other than sex. You might be better off doing that anyway.

[babypink61]

I think he does try really hard to forget about this, but I think he's just having a hard time coping with it. The only time he really lets it all come out is when he's drunk (where the truth comes out . . . ). It's either that or something will trigger it . . . like if we watch a show on tv and the topic of FTF happens to pop up, then he'll make a comment about it . . . .

 

I've really never had breaks with any of my boyfriends before . . . so I'm not sure how it's suppose to work out. If he hasn't called for a week, does that mean he's over me and just gave up on the relationship? I really miss him but I have to stop myself from calling him because I think he's the person at fault and I feel that he should make the first move . . .

[Mandy22]

I know sometimes guys don't like to talk much about feelings, but if you can sit down with him and really try to figure out why it bothers him so much. Maybe there is something much more underneath, or a reason why he can't seem to move past it. I would just try to convince him that what happened in your past, doesn't have anything to do with him, with your relationship now.

Once my boyfriend called a break and it was hard for me not to call him too, even though I knew that he should make the first move. I gave him his space and after a week he came back telling me how sorry he was.

I think you know deep down what he is really like, and how much he cares for you. If he cares for you as much as you think he does, and you know deep down that he is a great guy, then he will come back on his own.

[RandomAdvisor]

He's had one night stands before, but he didn't think it was a big deal because mine was actually "planned". Where as, his was something that happened unexpected. Talk about double standards!

 

Double standards pretty much sums it up. This is similar to a man being a stud if he sleeps around, but a woman being a * * * * * for doing the same.

 

His past behavior was no different fundamentally than yours. If anything, it could be argued you were more responsible because you had one steady partner you were doing it with, whereas he did it on the spur of the moment and ran a greater risk of exposing himself to STD's.

 

Emotions aren't rational and often make no sense. We also can't help what we feel sometimes. That being said, he shouldn't be lashing out at you with hypocritical double think arguments over this issue. DO NOT apologize to him. You have nothing to be sorry for. A break was the way to go. You should wait for him to call you and apologize. And if he still hasn't called you in a couple of weeks, consider the relationship over. I'm betting though that after being together for nearly a year he'll apologize.

[novaseeker]

It is a double standard, I agree.

 

I would not feel comfortable being with someone who had previously had FWB type relationships, myself, but I've never been one for casual sex in my own life ... it's just not something I've been pulled towards myself, and I also find it a very unattractive thing in a potential partner. But in your case, your BF doesn't seem to have issues with casual sex, as long as he's the one engaging in it, and that's a double standard.