Friend is spiralling downhill

[Ran_into_a_rainbow]

I have a long time friend who I care about very much. Long story short, I've watched her over the years make one bad decision after another when it comes to life decisions, especially her love life.

Presently she is involved with a loser who has made her agree from the beginning that she is just there to please him and to cater to his needs. They have quite the wild sex life and invite different people to join them. The problem now is that she is starting to fall for this guy big time. But she refuses to tell him her true feelings because she's afraid she'll lose him.

 

People, this is not your regular type of relationship. He is a manipulator and an abuser of crack/cocaine. He's introduced crack to her and they both smoke regularly. He trips out on her and goes on these weird tantrums because of the drugs. He disrespects her in so many ways, it's too long to list. Yet she continues to take the abuse because she "likes" him and says she has "chemistry" with him.

 

It is very difficult for me to watch her go through so much pain. She has very low confidence in herself and I believe she feels she can't find anyone better. I know from watching over the years, that she tends to choose men who give her "fake love"...meaning they say many things to make her feel special but their actions speak the complete opposite.

 

My problem is that I am sooooooo sick and tired of trying to help her in what I think is the right direction. I am trying hard not to "live her life for her". She makes her own decisions for her life. But yet she comes back to me crying and complaining about these problems she puts herself in.

 

She agrees with me when we discuss her issues. But she turns around and does nothing to make the situation better for herself. Lately I feel so fed up with her that I want to just walk away from this friendship. I hate myself for feeling like I am abandoning her. She doesn't have many friends. But I simply can't take listening to her cry about this abuse when she continually does nothing to rectify the situation she's placed herself in.

 

I think that the bottom line is that we have now grown into two very different people. I have high morals and I hate admitting to myself that I think she has very low morals.

 

I've thought about telling her that I no longer want to hear about this man she's involved with because it kills me to listen to all her problems when she doesn't take any of my advice. Aren't you suppose to surround yourself with like-minded people? Should I do anything at all or nothing? Any advice would be great! Thanks.

[NJRon]

It's hard to watch someone you care for destroy their life. However, there is nothing that you can do. She will only start changing when she wants to.

 

The best thing that you can do for her is show her some tough love and tell her that until she cleans her act up, you can't be her friend. Don't let her drag you down with her.

[Ran_into_a_rainbow]

Yes, I feel like this friendship is mentally draining for me. And yes, I certainly feel like she is destroying her life. I know she is suicidal and I am actually worried that she will one day go through with it. She's had counselling, support groups...everything! I just can't help her anymore and I don't want to continue worrying about her like I have.

[coollady1957]

I know exactly how you feel about trying to help a friend, but it does become exhausting and draining. My friend has been on a down hill spiral for a long time. I posted this thread below about it, and got great advice and comments back from everyone.

This thread tells about what my friend has done and gone through and what I have tried to do to help. Maybe some of the advice that I received, might be beneficial to you as well.

[ElektraHere]

Hey Rn2aR

 

I have been on both sides of that coin. I have been the draining friend and I was in a really bad relationship that caused me to spiral downhill fast.

 

Everyone told me he was a creep, a liar, and he was just using me for his own gains. I refused to believe my close friends and my family so what did I do? I shut them all out. WRONG choice. When all was said and done that's who I needed the most. So my advice is don't tell your friend to get rid of him because when someone tells us something like that we always seem to do the opposite. Unfortunately she will have to learn for herself.

 

If you feel that it is draining and that the drugs are something you will not tolerate then tell her that you must put the friendship on hold. When I started shutting out everyone that is when the picture became alot clearer.

Good Luck

[Darketernal]

I think you should let her fall on her face hard big time, a person who refuses to listen must 'feel' , and that's the truth. Don't help her, not now. When she gets dropped by that guy like a brick, is in total emotional despair , you can go tell her I TOLD YOU SO , and explain to her that there is no one else to blame for her misery but herself because she let a person into her life that was only out to use and abuse her, and that she should have used her 'brain' before throwing herself in a damaging relationship.

[ElektraHere]

Darketernal I think what you are saying is awful. If you really are there friend and care for them despite what they are doing you never hope someone falls flat on their face. Also to tell someone "I told you so," is rude and doesn't help the other person who is supposed to be your friend. I would hope you never have a friend that would treat you like that or that you would treat your friends the same way.